Blah blah blahg

It's one o'clock in the morning and I cannot think of a single thing to blog about. So I thought I'd just tell you what I've been up to and thinking about in the last week.

Please don't be jealous of how exciting my life is.

On Friday, I had to depose a defendant in a case that will go to trial in September. We were talking about his substance abuse history and he told me that he had smoked marijuana and "wets." I asked what that was and he explained that it's a joint that is laced with Angel Dust and is dipped in embalming fluid.

I'm sorry . . . WHAT??

Where do people come up with these things? And WHO came up with this one in particular? Do embalmers get that bored? I mean, I know I'd be dead so it wouldn't matter, but I don't want my embalmer to be high. And I CERTAINLY don't want him to be so high that he actually thinks soaking his joints in embalming fluid is a brilliant idea.

I also don't want him to be cute because he'll be seeing me naked when I can't suck my stomach in. But I digress . . .

This same defendant explained to us that he was kicked out of the Klan because they found out about his sex offenses. I asked how they found out about them and he said . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . they did a background check. The freakin' Klan did a freakin' BACKGROUND CHECK. Who knew?? Not I.

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When I was leaving Huntsville the other day, I had to get gas so I stopped at a gas station that's right by Huntsville high school. The marquis at the gas station said "Go Hornets!" and that's when I realized that the high school mascot is a hornet. Really? A hornet? I mean, sure they hurt when they sting you. Sure they should be avoided whenever possible. But there is something inherently UNthreatening about a mascot that can be killed with a newspaper. Someone should have thought that through.

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I've been thinking that I need to start working out more. And since I actually heard my bra creak this week, I thought there's no time like the present. So I pulled out the ol' WiiFit Board to weigh and, you know, throw myself into a hopeless depression. I selected my Mii and the WiiFit starts telling me things like "I haven't seen you in a while." and "It's been a while since you worked out." and "Why are you such a worthless fatty?" I stepped on and the WiiFit program let out a surprised "Oh!" I rolled my eyes and started yelling "Yeah yeah yeah - just hurry up and get it over with." It gave me my results and I had to endure the whole WiiFit experience of watching your Mii blimp up as your weight is revealed. I've described it for you before so I won't bore you with those details. But I WILL remind you that it's brutal and it took me three days for my self esteem to recover. After the program gave me my weight and acted appalled at the results, it asked me if I wanted to set a weight-loss goal. I said yes and chose a goal. Then it got sarcastic with me by saying things like "You didn't make your goal last time. Do you want to pick a more realistic one?"

Why do I use this thing again??

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I've been watching NCIS a lot this week - why am I so addicted to this show? I've noticed recently that every time they go search a murder victim's house, the house is always neat and usually has one little messy pile of mail somewhere in the camera shot. It's made me start thinking about how how I should pick up my dirty laundry before I leave so it's not out if people have to search my house. I mean I don't want them to walk in and see my - oh my goodness . . . this show is turning me into my mother.

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And now I'm sitting at my computer typing this and I've noticed that, at some point in the last few hours, my throat has started getting sore and my left nostril is stopped up. I hate it when only one nostril is stopped up. It's so annoying. And, inevitably, it runs but you have no suction power to keep snot from running freely down your lip. You feel some . . . ummmm . . . drippage . . . and you try to sniffle it up but there's nothing - one nostril sucks in completely, the other stays stubbornly in place, and you have to run to get a tissue before the floodgates open. Tonight I had to put a tissue in my nostril to keep it plugged up. I looked pretty attractive - I'm not gonna lie.

So here I am sitting here with my creaky bra and a tissue hanging out of my left nostril.

Wanna come hang out?