Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Dating in the Dark = blood pressure on the rise!

I got home from work tonight and decided that I would spend the evening cleaning and organizing my room because it has been SORELY neglected this summer, what with my crazy trial schedule. Plus, I'd had a productive day at work and thought it made sense to continue that level of productivity at home. Sooooooooooooooo I walked in the door, sat down, and watched TV all night. Judge me if you must but I HAD to watch TV - these brain cells aren't gonna kill themselves, friends.

And what ELSE am I gonna watch on a Monday night but our favorite hour of awkwardness . . . Dating in the Dark, of course!!

So we meet our three guys and three girls who are going to be sharing this whole Dating in the Dark experience together. First we meet the guys: Matt (who is looking for the mother of his children), Jose (who admittedly has zero game), and Jeff (a divorcee who always dates really hot girls). I decide that Jeff is going to irritate me. Then we meet the girls: Deanne (a freelance TV news reporter who wants to be the ultimate soccer mom), Renee (a jewelry designer who is worried that the guys won't like her), and Gina (a girl who describes herself with words like feisty, passionate, short-tempered, and short-circuited). When people describe themselves with the word "passionate" that's usually code for "crazy" so I'm looking forward to seeing what fun Gina has in store for us.

The group meets in the dark room for the big group date. Prior to meeting the girls, Jose suggests that the guys bring each of the girls a chocolate heart and then asks the rest of the guys if they thought that was too cheesy. The guys answer him with an awkward silence. Allow me to assist, Jose . . . Yes, it's cheesy. But the cheesiness was countered by the fact that you asked that question. You're forgiven. So they guys go into the room with chocolate hearts in hand and meet the girls. This moment is always uncomfortable for me because everyone feels like they have to be "on" so everyone is laughing too hard at everyone else's jokes. And there's always someone who is being just a tad obnoxious. Tonight, that person is Renee. The guys ask the girls a question and Renee and Deanne answer it. Then it's Gina's turn and she apparently talks a little longer than Renee wanted her to. So Renee handles the situation maturely by saying "I guess it's all about Gina" and then throws her chocolate heart at Gina's head.


Wow for two reasons, actually. First: WOW to the fact that she actually just threw something at someone's head for talking too much. Second: WOW to the fact that she actually hit Gina's head in the pitch black. That's pretty amazing aim, friends.

So Gina - passionate, short-tempered, short-circuited Gina - handles the situation by becoming openly angry and making the situation SUPER comfortable for everyone. Renee makes a completely insincere attempt to apologize (allow me to paraphrase - "Geeeeeeeez, I was just kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiding. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooorry." Something like that . . .). Gina won't drop it. Renee "apologizes" again. The guys jump in and say "She was just kidding." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then back to Gina not dropping it again.

Awesome. I KNEW Gina would be crazy!! My pits are sweaty and my blood pressure is off the charts.

And then the moment that made me swear that I'll never marry . . . two of the guys come out of that room saying that they are attracted to Gina.

W . . . T . . . F . . .???

Seriously?? I've spent my whole life being normal and . . . and . . . and - well, I give up. Need . . . to . . . lower . . . blood . . . pressure.

But enough about my nervous breakdown. Back to the show . . .

So the couples go on their first dates. Unfortunately, there was nothing too noteworthy about those dates. I yell at the television things like "why isn't anyone trying to feed anyone anything??" and "what am i suppose to blog about if you don't have an awkward conversation??"

Then the guys get to see what the girls sleep in. The guys make a comment about Renee's flannel pajamas and I take MAJOR exception to that. Flannel jammies are ok . . . right?? RIGHT?? Oh geez. I'm normal AND love cute flannel pajama pants . . . I have no chance, do I?? Then the girls get to see what the GUYS sleep in and they air poor Matt's dirty laundry - literally. Apparently, Matt sleeps in a white undershirt with major pit stains. The girls freak out over this. I mean, are we really surprised by the fact that a guy might have a shirt with pit stains? Is it really "freak out" worthy? You really need to save your freak out moments for bigger things - like when someone throws a chocolate at your head. Oh wait . . .

Poor Matt has some fall-out from the pit stain incident. Renee goes on a date with him and calls him out for having pit stains and says mature things like "we were all like 'oooooooooooo'" and then leaves an awkward silence. Poor Matt looks so embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. I'm really rooting for Matt, pit stains and all.

I'm also really rooting for Jose. He seems like a nice guy, too. He goes on a date with Crazy Gina and he decides to go in for a kiss. But first they have a conversation about an inch and a half from each other's face. Jose asks her "How comfortable are you right now?" and she answers that she's comfortable. Meanwhile, I'm yelling at the television: "I'm uncomforable! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M UNCOMFORTABLE!!!"

I LOVE this show.

Then the show sets the couples up according to their level of compatibility and they get to go on dates with their matches. Nothing too exciting there . . .

Deanne and Jeff go on their date. Jeff talks about how he's accustomed to dating really hot women. He says that he's not usually emotionally compatible with these women but it's ok because they're hot. Seriously? Is this guy serious? Deanne begins to worry that, based on the way he talks about looks, he must be really hot and out of her league. I think that's what irritates me most about this man. I mean, he's nice looking. But she nailed it on the head - he talks like he's a freakin' super model and will accept nothing less than that. And Deanne is super presh so I'm irritated that she's feeling insecure now over this guy.

Blood . . . pressure . . . rising . . .

Then Renee and Jose get matched up by the show and Gina is MIFFED because she has already set her sights on him. My crazy radar goes off and keeps me from hearing the next few lines. Renee tells Jose that she wants a man who will put himself out there. Jose takes that to mean that she wants a man who will try to awkwardly kiss her on a bean bag chair in the dark. She doesn't really even pucker up in return. Rather, she tells him that she's not used to kissing someone she hasn't seen. Then Jose talks about how he's confused. I'm laughing uncomfortably in my chair. My dog is looking nervously at me. Renee comes back and tells the girls about her dates. She mentions this kiss and Gina starts snorting and pawing at the ground. She handles it maturely and makes the situation SUPER comfortable for everyone by saying "So what? I'm sloppy seconds?"

I know, I know. It doesn't make any sense. But IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm not going to correct her . . .

Then Gina goes on her compatibility date with Matt. She's irritated about this date because of the pit stains. He's convinced that they have a great connection. I really want to root for Matt but I'm kinda questioning his sanity at this point. He offers to kiss her to help her get back at Jose and Renee. To Crazy Gina's credit, she did change her tune about Matt and apologized for saying anything bad about him.

The couples then go on their final, uneventful dates and THEN it's time for the big reveal!!!

First up: Gina and Matt. The light shines on Gina and Matt looks happy. He's already said that it didn't matter to him what she looked like because he felt so connected with her in the dark. And, you know what - I believe him. But, as it turns out, he's happy with the way she looks. And he then says that she looks like a very sweet, nice person.

Except when you throw chocolate at her head.

Then, while she's waiting for him to be revealed, she starts whispering "Please be hot. Please be hot." Seriously? Is that the standard that we're all going for? Why are we suddenly eliminating normal-looking guys from the running? ANYWAY, Gina is disappointed with the way Matt looks. And then she says the words that I will never forget: "I mean, could I see this person on top of me?"

Once again: W . . . T . . . F . . .???

Run, Matt. RUN!!!

Then Deanne and Jeff get to see each other. They both look happy and relieved at what the other looks like. She thinks he's super hot and has perfect bone structure. He says he's on the fence because she didn't make his jaw drop. This is where I start to shake my fist and curse the people on TV. I mean, he JUST spent several dates with someone he feels REALLY connected with and excited about and now he's on the fence about her because she was just "cute" and didn't make his jaw drop??

That's when I realize that I'm clenching my teeth and beating the arm of my chair with my remote control. And that my roommate is trying to shove a valium down my throat.

Then Renee and Jose see each other. Renee opts for the flower-the-size-of-a-small-child-in-the-hair look for her big reveal. They both look relieved and happy when the light comes on. He says she's very very pretty. She thinks he's dreamy with perfect white teeth and dark eyes and silky baby smooth skin. But she's not sure he'd be someone she'd be into. Well, she never really articulated that but that's what I gathered from all the "uhs" and "I don't knows" that she was uttering.

Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for - THE BALCONY.

First, Matt goes out to see if Gina will meet him out there. He's looking at the balcony door and hears the front door click. Gina is dumping him. She says that she thinks she hurt Matt and that hurts her. I yell "I doubt it!" Then she says that she knows that makes her a "superficial bitch." I yell "You said it, not me!" and throw a chocolate-covered almond at her face. Poor Matt looks hurt and knows that she must not be the girl for him because he wouldn't end up with someone so superficial. He knows that he'll be fine. And I know that his pits are sweating BIGtime at that moment . . .

Then Jose goes out on the balcony to see if Renee will meet him out there. Big shocker - she dumps him, too. At least she cries about it, though. I have to give her credit for that. But that doesn't help poor Jose who is left on the balcony feeling every insecurity known to man.

Can I just say that I am SO disappointed in the girls on this show. I mean, I think that guys get a bad rap for being superficial but on THIS show, the guys seem to be the more open-minded sex when it comes to looks. Come ON, girls!!!! You're giving me major blood pressure issues!!

Last, but not least, Deanne goes out the front door. Jeff is agonizing over whether to go out there because Deanne just didn't light his fire when he saw her. But he goes out on the balcony to give it a shot and my blood pressure goes down a bit. And, luckily, Deanne is wearing what can only be described as a baby-doll flight attendant dress. So that was a bonus for Jeff.

The show ends with Jeff talking about how this show has fundamentally changed him as a person. You know, because he met someone who was cute but then considered dumping her because she didn't make his jaw drop but then decided to give her a shot . . .

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there goes my blood pressure again.


Emma said...

Crazy! Absolutely crazy! Is there money involved or something???? :)

Unknown said...

What do I keep telling you? Men love crazy bitches! It's just a fact, one that can't be explained but a fact nonetheless. That show was ridiculous! Why did that Jeff guy go straight after the news girl when his divorce scarred him for life? People are stupid and this show proves it!

Anonymous said...

great article!

Anonymous said...

I mean... seriously??? I do have to say I am kind of a crazy bitch at times and people (my husband) think I'm hot so maybe there is a recurring theme- orrrrrrr maybe not.

But these girls are just fame seekers-that's all. They aren't looking for love- they are looking for their ten seconds of fame (in the dark) on TV. They want to be discovered and this show is their only chance. I think they think if they are crazy enough or loud enough, they'll get noticed, but I'm thinking if I were a casting director, I'd be thinking- please- no crazy biatches for me. They can keep their chocolates and their attitudes.

I'm just sayin...