Friday, August 7, 2009

Shark Week - YIKES!

So I've been watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. And it has scared the BEJEEZUS out of me. Seriously - why do people go in the ocean? I don't get it and, frankly, I never really have.

I remember learning about sting rays in 8th grade. My teacher explained that they blend in with the sandy bottom of the ocean so people don't see them and they step on them. She said that when you step on a sting ray, that's when it swings its tail around and buries its barbs into your leg. This horrified me - I sat there wide-eyed, sweating profusely. Then she said that the best way to avoid being stung is to drag your feet through the sand as you walk in the ocean. That way you will bump it rather than step on it and you'll avoid getting a calf full of barbs. That lesson traumatized me because I had never known such a danger existed. But you better believe that I drag my feet through the sand every time I'm in the ocean now.

I'm not so much a natural-body-of-water kind a girl, I'm more of a oh-my-gosh-what-just-brushed-my-leg kinda girl.

ANYWAY, learning more about sharks this week has been both captivating and terrifying. But, despite the efforts of the Discovery Channel, I don't think I've learned the lessons the producers and editors intended for me to learn. Rather, I've filtered all their information through the very unique filter that the Good Lord gave me and this is what I took away from all the shows this week:

Discovery Channel's efforts: They showed lots of stories of survivors of shark attacks who chose to not let their attacks interfere with their love for the ocean. So they all got right back in there once they were healed. We have to realize that sharks aren't evil, they are just great hunters and WE mess things up when WE come into their territory.

My take-away: These people are CRAZY. If a shark bit me and I lived to tell the tale, I would never step on a beach again. In fact, I would boycott all things oceanic - I wouldn't even eat Sea Salt chips - and would refer to the shark as "Bastard" in conversation. You would NOT see me on Discovery talking about what a beautiful animal it would be. You would see me holding a spear gun on a boat on a Discovery show that would be called something like Hunting Bastard.

Discovery Channel's efforts: I learned that in areas like Seal Island in South African waters, Great White sharks will swim down low and then sprint toward the surface of the water and fly through the air, just to nab a seal swimming on the surface.

My take-away: Seals must taste pretty good because I can't think of a single piece of food I'd be willing to sprint for.

Discovery's efforts: When you are being eaten by a shark, it will throw you back and forth like a rag doll and, in the commotion, you should hit it in the right spot on the nose or grab and squeeze the eyeballs so that it will let you go.

My take-away: There is no way that I would have the presence of mind to do that in that moment because I'd be too busy thinking things like "Do you think the shark saw my bathing suit riding up on my right cheek before it bit me?" And then I would be dead. And rightly so . . .

Discovery's efforts: Survivors who have lost limbs are doing great with their prosthetics. And they are getting right back into the action.

My take-away: I definitely could NOT do Hip Hob Abs with a prosthetic leg.

Well, I couldn't . . .


Phyllis Eddings said...

Once again, we are of the same mind.

Emma said...

Hysterical! I'm not a natural body of water gal either.....I go in, but I am not relaxed!! Think I'll continue to skip Shark Week :)

Anonymous said...

hAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! Where's the friggin book? You're the only one with cahones big enough to use the word Bastard in your blog. Awesome.