Monday, March 28, 2011

Ben cuts to the chase.

I found out last week that my seven-year-old nephew, Ben, has been learning about animals in his home-school lessons. How did I find that out, you ask? Because my sister told me about this conversation that she had with him:

Ben: [pensively] Mommy, when will Catchy marry?
Tammy: Well, when God brings the right person into her life, I guess.
Ben: Oh. [mulling that over] Well, don't you think that she should go ahead and mate?
Tammy: [chokes on Dr. Pepper]

Man . . . forget online dating - I'm putting Ben in charge of things for a while!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

More random thoughts by Avery.

At the beginning of Spring Break, my sisters and I decided to meet at my mom's one evening to watch a DVD. I was planning to have cereal for dinner (don't be jealous) but needed a banana to put in it so I called my sister Erin to ask if she would bring a banana to my mom's. I was worried that she would forget, so I sent her a text a while later asking her to have my eight-year-old niece Savannah get me the banana because I knew that Savannah wouldn't forget. I call Savannah "Nana Nut" so my SUPER clever text said "Can you have Nana Nut bring me a nana??"

[pause for you to discuss my cleverness]

ANYWAY, apparently Savannah thought that my text was hilarious (well, naturally . . .) and, while Erin and the kids were on their way to my mom's, Savannah started this conversation:

Savannah: I have a good name for nicknames.
Erin: What do you mean?
Savannah: Well, people can make lots of nicknames out of my name. Like Catchy calls me Nana Nut . . . and GaGa calls me Nana . . . and Emma calls me Vanna . . . and some kids at school call me Sav . . .
Erin: Yeah - you're right!
Avery (5 years old): Yeah, and my name is good, too. Catchy calls me Avesy, Tammy calls me Aves, people call me Avey . . .
Erin: That's true!
Savannah: [bringing the conversation back to her . . .] I like the name "Sav." I think you could just name a little girl "Sav." I think that would be pretty.
Erin: [picking up the hint] Do you want us to call you Sav more often? Would you like that?
Savannah: Yeah.
Avery: Yeah - and I think you should call me "Abby."
[confused silence]
Savannah: Okaaaaaaaaaaay. Ummmmm . . . that has nothing to do with your name . . .
Avery: Yes, it does. It starts with an A and ends with a Y.

Makes sense to me. I think . . .

And she's serious about it. In fact, later that week they were at a Which Wich (sandwich shop where you fill out an order form and then they call your name when your order is ready) and, when Avery filled out her order form and handed it Erin, she discovered just HOW serious Avery is about this whole Abby thing . . .

But I'm not sure what's more upsetting - the fact that she wants to change her name or the fact that she chose juice over a soda.

I have clearly failed her as an aunt . . .

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Murdering the dead - a first degree syntax crime.

My sister Tammy sent me this picture that she took off of her television the other day. It's a good example of how important sentence structure is . . .

So two things went terribly wrong here: 1) she got convicted for "murdering her husband shortly after his death" (a crime, incidentally, that is punished by lethal injection after you're executed) and 2) she got convicted when she got sentenced instead of getting sentenced when she got convicted. This is either a poorly worded sentence or a case out of Louisiana.

In either case, someone have her call me - I know a good lawyer . . .

Monday, March 21, 2011

Save the urinal!

I've told y'all before about how I use a tracker service for my blog that tells me, among other things, how many people look at my website each day, what cities they're located in, and what search terms people are using to land on my blog. I sometimes like to entertain myself by looking at the different search terms that people have used - yes, I'm easily entertained. Now most of the time, people use pretty predictable terms like "catherine chronicles" or some variation of that, but SOMETIMES I get treated to a little dose of crazy.

For instance . . .

1) "to see a horse in human flesh, descending on a hammock through the air": Now, I wrote about dream interpretations once and talked about an interpretation I had seen for a horse in human flesh descending on a hammock. So I get why that search term landed someone on my website - that's not the disturbing part. What concerns me is that someone out there obviously just had a dream about a freakin' horse in human flesh, descending on a hammock through the air. Seriously, people - this is unsettling.

2) "clip art dropping man in toilet": Wow - who knew that the Mafia used clip art? Interesting. Veeeeeeeeery interesting . . .

3) "my dog ate a swiss cake roll will it kill her": Nooooooooo, silly! Swiss Cake Rolls can't kill anything but skinny people. If your dog is acting a little unusual, don't worry - it's just experiencing sheer bliss.

4) "evil elves" and "reindeer lickers": Someone out there has a very different understanding of what happens in the North Pole than I do . . .

5) "meaning of jumping on Ding Dong bandwagon": I've never heard of jumping on a Ding Dong bandwagon but I'm here to tell ya, folks - if ever there was a bandwagon for me jump on, that would be it.

6) "worst idea ever catherine chronicles": Shutyerface.

7) "who me clip art": If this is not a toddler running a google search then I think this person needs to focus on some good grammar clip art right now and THEN worry about discovering who he or she is . . .

8) "rolled my ankle on a curb": Okay, well . . . thanks for letting me know. Hope it's better . . . ?

9) "pooped doorless stall restrooms" and "pooping no door on stall": Wow. This is something people search the internet about?

10) "picture urinal conservation sign": Interesting. I wasn't aware that there was a urinal conservation effort. Who knew?

So those are the latest in the crazy searches that somehow led people to my page. But, hey - I'm not judging . . . I don't care how they get here, just as long as they get here!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do a little searching about that Ding Dong bandwagon . . .

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Irrespons able editing . . .

One of my friends sent me this picture of a sign at a dry cleaners in Conroe:

But they ARE respons able for the twitching in my right eye . . .

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

We ARE talking about my A/C, aren't we??

While we were out driving this weekend, I saw a business with a name that was NOT well thought-out . . .

I'm glad this guy has embraced his last name but, frankly, I'm not sure it's an appropriate choice for a business name. And, come to think of it, I'm not sure the twin peaks on the sign are exactly appropriate, either . . .

Monday, March 14, 2011

Finger-lickin' good.

My 8-year-old niece, Savannah, just recently started playing in a softball league. She was struggling at first with her batting but she has been working really hard and has improved so much. In fact, the other day at her game, she actually had a home run! It was a BIG deal. In fact, my sister Erin was cheering so enthusiastically that she ALMOST dropped her nachos . . . and we Palmores take our nachos VERY seriously.

ANYWAY, to celebrate her big night, Erin and Matt took her out for a celebratory dinner. Someone suggested that they go to Chili's but Savannah quickly quashed that idea . . . until she remembered how much she loves their ribs. So Chili's it was.

Pretty soon, Savannah was covered in barbecue sauce and eating ribs with gusto. About a rib-and-a-half into her feast, she stopped eating, looked up, and had this conversation:

Savannah: [rib mid-air, barbecue sauce from ear to ear] So . . . are these like a human's ribs?
Erin and Matt: [stunned silence]
Savannah: [eating the ribs with gusto again, unconcerned about the answer to her question]
Erin: [laughing] Are they a HUMAN'S ribs?
Savannah: [chowing down] Yeah.
Erin: [laughing harder] No, honey. They're from a pig.
Savannah: [rib in mouth] Oh. They're good.
Erin: Would that have bothered you? If it was a human's rib?
Savannah: [shrugging her shoulders and licking her fingers] They're gooooood . . .
Matt: Wow.

So we now know THAT disturbing fact about Savannah. But, as funny as that story is, let's be honest - we're all gonna be a little uneasy the next time she says she's hungry and there's no food around.

Fortunately, I think I'm safe - MY ribs haven't been visible to the naked eye for years . . .

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Just my luck.

This morning, after I got out of the shower, I slipped in my bathroom and fell. Well "fell" really isn't the right word - it was more like a "feet flying in the air/sliding across a wet floor/slamming into the wall head-first" kind of thing. In fact, it was EXACTLY that kind of thing. And I won't disturb you with details on how far along in the dressing-myself process I was or was not but, suffice it to say, I was not prepared and/or appropriately dressed for that little adventure. One minute I'm singing along contentedly to the radio and the next minute I'm riding a Slip N Slide across my bathroom floor, thinking "Is this a bad omen?"

I should have just gone back to bed.

But I didn't. Instead, I went on to court for a scheduling conference on a new case that I just filed against a new perv. As I was walking toward the courtroom, one of the heels on my shoes slipped on the slick tile and threatened to roll my ankle and/or flip me onto my backside. My arms flailed frantically and, somehow, I was able to catch myself. I looked around quickly to see if anyone had seen me so that I'd know if I needed to kill any eye-witnesses in order to protect my dignity. But no one had seen so I took a deep breath, pulled myself together, and walked on into the courtroom thinking, "Was that ANOTHER bad omen?"

I should have just gone back home right then and there.

But I didn't. I went on into the courtroom and was informed by my boss of some issues that had just come up on one of my cases. They weren't big issues but they were enough to make my eye start twitching. And I knew right then that my heel-slipping and my "bathroom-turned-water-slide" were more than just accidents - they were messages from the Lord Himself telling me to GO HOME.

But did I? No.

I went on to work and, when it was time to decide where to go to lunch, we decided to do Double Dave's because it was Fat Tuesday and we needed to celebrate it in style. All I wanted at Double Dave's were the pizza rolls and the chocolate chip pizza so, as soon as I paid, I went to the buffet, picked up a plate, and found myself staring at an empty spot where the pizza rolls should have been.

Oooooooooooof course.

But, eventually, they put the pizza rolls on the buffet and I ate to my heart's content. And when it was dessert time, I practically hurdled over the other tables to get back up to the buffet for my chocolate chip pizza yumminess. But, wouldn't you know it, there was none there. That's when I shook my fists at the sky and shouted "WHY????" . . . until the lady brought a fresh chocolate chip pizza out to us.

I'm not a superstitious person but I must say that, looking back on my day, I think maybe I should have taken the hint and just crawled back into bed. But I didn't do it because there was a light at the end of my tunnel . . . I was getting together with some of the girls from work for a movie night. I always have fun with those girls so I knew that, if I could just get through the day and not get myself killed, I'd have a fun night hanging out with them.

So I got to my movie night at my friend Audrie's place. As I walked to her apartment, I felt relief that the day was over and that I could finally just relax and watch a movie with my friends. So that's what I did - I relaxed, laughed with my friends, laid on a couch, and watched a movie. No cares in the world - it was the perfect ending to a day that didn't start out quite right.

After the movie was over, I left Audrie's apartment and my friend Erin and I walked toward where our cars were parked. Aaaaaaaaaaand that's when I saw that my car had been towed.



So I stood around the parking lot for about 45 minutes trying to figure out where my car was and how much it was going to cost me. I knew that a company called "Quik Tow" had towed it because some residents had complained that there weren't any spots available by their units for them to park in. And, although there were no signs around ANYWHERE indicating that visitors were not allowed to park in those spaces, my car was towed because I didn't have a parking permit for the complex.

It was awesome.

So, after I found out where my car was and that it was going to cost me $200, I headed over to the storage lot to pick her up. A driver met me there to do the paperwork, run my credit card, and return my car to me. When I gave him my driver's license, he saw my badge for work and asked me about it. I told him what I do for a living and then he said something amazing to me: "I'd like to extend you a professional courtesy and release your car to you free of charge."

I stood there dumbstruck while he explained that he really appreciated what I do for a living and that he wanted to do that for me. I wanted to start kissing the bullet-proof glass between us but felt that was inappropriate and might work against me in the end. So, instead, I just thanked him profusely and got his card from him. And I thought I'd pass his name along to you all so that you could give him a call if you ever need a wrecker: his name is Joe with "Quik Tow" (yes, I'm spelling that right) and his number is 713-409-9420. He really was a nice man and he DEFINITELY didn't need to do that for me so I hope you'll keep him in mind the next time you lock your keys in your car or need a tow truck for some reason.

So, imagine that - a bad day made right by a tow truck driver of all people. I mean, that's not a profession that gets to bring a lot of joy to people's lives, you know? But Joe brought joy to mine, that's for sure. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.

So now I'm heading to bed to put an official end to a crazy day that started out with a bruised ego on my bathroom floor and ends with a happy heart and a car in my driveway . . .

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Message erased.

I consider myself to be a peace-loving person, I really do. And I'd like to think that most of the time people would find me to be mild-mannered, calm, and in control of my emotions. There's just not a lot that will ruffle my feathers.

But there is one thing that will whip me up into a murderous rage in mere seconds. And it happened to me this weekend . . .

Me: [dialing phone number of friend]
Phone: [ring! ring!]
Me: [waiting]
Phone: [ring! ring! ring! ring!]
Me: [still waiting]
Phone: Hi. This is Missy. I'm sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as I can. Thanks! [pause] To leave a call-back number, press 5. To leave a message, wait for the tone.
Me: [yeah, I know.]
Phone: When you are finished with this call, hang up or press "star."
Me: [I knooooooooooooooooooow!!]
Phone: [beep!]
Me: Hey, Missy! It's Catherine. I saw that I missed your call so I was just calling you ba-
Phone: Message erased. To re-record your message, press 3. To end this call, hang up or press "star."
Me: [breathe, Catherine.] [pressing 3 . . .]
Phone: Record your message after the tone. [beep!]
Me: Hey, Missy! It's Catherine. I saw that I missed your call earlier today and I'm so sorry that I'm just now calling you back but I -
Phone: If you are happy with your message, press 1. To erase and re-record, press 3. To end this call, hang up or press "star."
Me: [(through gritted teeth . . .) Stupid son of a . . .] [pressing 3 angrily]
Phone: Record your message after the tone. [beep!]
Me: Hi, Missy! It's Catherine. Sorry that I'm just now getting back to you - it's been kind of a crazy day. Call me when -
Phone: Message erased. To re-record your message, press -
Me: [(yelling into phone) IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU!!] [pressing 3 . . . begrudgingly.]
Phone: [beep!]
Me: Hi, Missy! It's Catherine. Call me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand that's when I start hitting the star button manically, while pursing my lips, gritting my teeth, and cursing quietly under my breath.

So next time I'm just texting Missy . . .

Friday, March 4, 2011

Random Thoughts by Avery

I had my nieces Emma (10) and Avery (5) in the car with me at one point this weekend and we were chatting about what they had each done that day. Emma was telling me a story about their dog Marley and, apparently, Avery got a little bored with it . . .

Me: What did you do today, Emma?
Emma: We went out to Niblets [that's a side business/flea market for vendors that my brother-in-law is starting - click here if you want to know more!] and there's a big field so we let Marley out to run around.
Me: Oh, I bet he thought THAT was super fun.
Emma: Yeah. But we didn't worry about closing the gate because he doesn't usually like traffic so he stays away from it. But you know what happened, Catchy?
Me: No - what happened?
Emma: He ran out of the gate and was in the ditch RIGHT by that busy street there! We were so worried that we has gonna run into the street but he didn't. So we brought him back in and then we definitely closed the gate after that!
Me: Man! I'm so glad he didn't get hurt!
Emma: Yeah - me, too. I mean, he was REALLY close to the street. I was so scared that he-
Avery: When you eat beans, you fart.
[long, stunned silence]
Emma: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Wow. That was really random.
Avery: Yeah. [matter of factly] I know it was.
Me: [laughing] Avery - you are one funny girl.
Avery: Yeah. I know I am.
Me: [laughing harder]
Avery: What? I do.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand then the rest of the ride turned into an Emma-Avery backseat duet of "Beans beans, they're good for your heart . . ." This was a turn of events I had not anticipated - one minute I'm talking to my nieces about their days and the next minute I'm feeding them lyrics and saying things like "No, no - it's "the more you fart the better you FEEL . . ."

But at least I learned two things about Avery during this little exchange: 1) she will never be accused of being too humble and 2) she doesn't give a fart about Marley . . .

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

So much for positive reinforcement.

I recently started watching a show called "Heavy" on A&E. It's a show about people who have a lot of weight to lose so they go to a weight-loss facility for radical transformations. Each episode follows two people through their 6 month weight loss program. It's a pretty cool show - I find myself tearing up at least once per episode because these people really have to deal with a lot of different emotions as they're learning this new way of life. It's pretty emotional.

I'd like to say that it's been a really inspiring show that has given me renewed motivation for eating healthy and exercising regularly but, the truth is, it hasn't always had that effect. Sometimes I watch it and feel SUPER motivated, that's true. But more often than not, I find myself looking down at my belly and thinking "Man! I'm good . . . " It's usually on those nights that I sit on the couch eating Cheetos and saying something like "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang that guy's fat!"

What? I love Cheetos. What can I say?

Anyway, the other day I was watching the show and I noticed something. At the beginning of each episode, they have the two patients weigh in for their starting weights. These are always big numbers - very rarely under 300 lbs. So it's a really tough moment for the two people who will be trying to lose weight - they're usually embarrassed by the number that pops up on the digital scale for all the nation to read. But the worst part about it is that the scale measures the person's "gross weight" but, unfortunately, due to some poor planning by the designers of this scale, the screen reads a little insensitively:

Someone did NOT think that through. I mean, it might as well say "EWWW" or "OMG" or "Hurry - get off before I break."

Think, people. Think.

And pass the Cheetos . . .