Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Dating in the Dark = Cringing in the Light

Well, against my better judgment, I tuned in to watch this week's episode of Dating in The Dark. I can't help it. It draws me in like the Hunting Channel does sometimes - totally against my will. I sat down, propped my feet up, clenched my butt, and turned the TV on.

So again we have three girls and three guys who come to the House of Horror to meet in the dark. They come from their separate wings of the house and enter the dark room to meet as a group. They all sit around a table talking louder than normal and laughing a little too easily at bad jokes. Since they can't see anything around them, they spend a lot of time talking to the table or to the space above each other's heads. It's amazing to me that even their inability to see where they should be talking makes me nervous for them. What does that say about me?

And then begin the individual dates . . . and the awkwardness I love to hate.

First, we see a series of individual dates that leave me nervously saying things like "Oh my gosh, I would NEVER do that." For instance, Sasha (obnoxious red head who thinks she's pretty darn sexy) decides to play the ever popular game of "Let's feel each other's profiles" with Chris. She feels his profile and he just lets her do it and laughs. There is definitely a "ha ha - this is funny" feel in the air. Then he goes to feel hers and suddenly Sasha brings out her best "I want to be a porn star" look. He clumsily runs his entire hand down her profile - and I mean CLUMSILY - and she closes her eyes, opens her mouth, and puts her head back as if this if the most sensual experience she's ever had. As his fingers come down across her lips, she tries to grab one with her mouth. He just laughs and moves on, clueless about the hilarity that just happened. I thank the Lord for the invention of the infrared camera.

Then Jenn has a date with Chris and she asks what ALL girls ask on the first date: "Will you do push ups with me on your back?" I roll my eyes and groan at the cheesiness but secretly promise myself that if a man ever does push ups with me on his back, I will marry him right then and there. Mark my words . . . I will.

All the girls like Chris and really want to just compete for him. But the show pairs them up according to compatibility and then we have to see the compatibility dates with the three couples. I think to myself that these should be entertaining. And by "entertaining," I mean "gut-wrenchingly awkward." But that's what does it for me, folks.

Date 1: Chris and Megan. Chris brings Megan a plate of 6 different foods that she must taste and guess what they are. For the record, I would hate this little game because I'd be afraid of what food he would put in my mouth. If he put fish or mayonnaise or, heaven forbid, mayonnaise-covered fish in my mouth, I would slap him and walk out. And the infrared camera would catch all kinds of faces of anxiety and fear on my face as he put the next sample in. No thank you. Megan was a good sport, though. Her first bite was an apple and she correctly named it. Then she said it was a bad apple and quickly looked for somewhere to spit it. Then she realized that she couldn't see anything so she had to spit it in her hand. Chris, ever the gentleman, tells her to put it in his hand so that he can put it on the plate. She complies bashfully and I instantly like this girl. I mean, how can you NOT like a girl who has to spit out an apple into a guy's hand on their first date?? That's a girl I can relate to. She names all 6 items correctly and then he tells her that she gets to pick her reward. I'm sure he was expecting her to say she wanted a kiss. But, instead, she says she wants him to tickle her arm. I totally want to be her friend.

Date 2: Sasha and Billy Ray. Neither of them are pleased with this match-up but they sit on the love seat and talk. Sasha goes in for her apparent killer question: "How soon after you start dating will you be ready to get married?" I clench my butt. He scratches his cheek nervously and utters "Oh Good Lord." I like this guy. Then he says, shrugging his shoulders: "I don't know - maybe a year or two years??" Then she sits up and says "See, my answer would be 'I might not EVER be ready.'" She has a triumphant air that suggests that she might want to follow that statement up with "Boooooooyah!" I'm confused because I can't figure out why she thinks she has scored some victory. And Billy Ray makes a face that suggests that he feels the same way I do. Yep - I like him. I begin wondering if he can do push ups with me on his back.

Date 3: Phil and Jenn. Phil is super cute and a Marine. What else to do you need to know, girl?? I look at Phil's muscles and think that THIS is the guy she should ask to do push ups. But, instead, she sits on the love seat and talks to him while she secretly pines away for Chris. Then Phil suggests that they do some salsa dancing. Have you ever seen salsa dancing in the pitch black? It wasn't pretty, friends. Poor Phil ends the date with no chemistry. Not even an arm tickle . . .

Then all the girls choose to go on another date with Chris. He is flattered that they have ditched the other guys and are only interested in him. The girls come in the room and he is sitting on the love seat with his arm up on the back of the seat, looking cocky. I roll my eyes. Jenn brings strawberries and whipped cream and decides to feed them to him. Why can't people realize that this is not going to be the sexy move they think it will be if they can't see the other person's mouth. I watch her dip a strawberry in the whip cream and then ram it into his nose. Then his chin. Then the side of his mouth. And then his mouth. He's got whipped cream all over his face. It's awesome.

This new cocky Chris decides he's going to kiss all of them. When Megan was on the love seat with him, she was talking about her family and you see Chris take his index finger and start moving it toward her lips. He's going for the finger-on-lip-shhhhhhhhhhh-don't-say-a-word-just-kiss-me move. But he can't see anything so it makes it difficult. But it's hilarious to watch the approach. His finger hits her chin and then the side of her mouth and then he says "I'm going to do something." Huh? She stops talking and looks concerned. Then he puts his finger on her lips and she says something that makes me love her even more: "I've got red lipstick on." She says it with a tone that's sweet but also says "I better not get out there and see that you've smeared my red lipstick all over my face." She's awesome. I begin to wonder if she can do push ups with me on her back.

Chris goes in for the kiss with Jenn and she says what every guy wants to hear in the moment after their kiss: "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." What?? What kind of reaction is that? I'm sure he wished he could take back the "WOW!" that he exclaimed after they kissed. Then he has his date with Sasha and she goes in for the kiss with him. I think for a second that she is trying to eat his face off and then I realize she's just trying to kiss him. She ends by biting his upper lip with gusto. He looks traumatized. I've got one eye closed and am making the face you make when you're about to get hit in the face with a ball and you see it coming. It's awful to watch.

Then comes the big reveal. They all choose to see Chris so he's the only bachelor who goes in the reveal room. He seems pleased with all of them and then says that Megan is a bigger girl than he normally dates. I think he's an idiot because she's precious and he owes her another date for messing up her red lipstick. Then he sees Sasha and says that she is also a bigger girl than he's used to and that he's not attracted to red heads. He's probably not into girls who try to rip his upper lip off, either. Then he sees Jenn and, not surprisingly, she is totally his type because she's fit. Or at least the most fit of the three. So he wants to go forward with Jenn. I pronounce him Supreme Idiot for not picking Megan since she was the one he liked the most in the dark and she was SO cute, too.

Remember from last week that one person goes out on the balcony and they have to wait to see if the other comes out the balcony door to pursue the relationship OR if they go out the front door of the house without looking back. Chris goes out on the balcony hoping to see Jenn. The hitch is that any of the girls can choose to walk out on the balcony to choose HIM so there could potentially be an awkward moment if the wrong girl walks out. My shoulders get tense and I think how an arm tickle would relax me. Then I think no, it would tickle and make me more tense. Then I think PAY ATTENTION TO THE SHOW, CATHERINE!!

Chris looks at the balcony door then at the front door. Then the balcony. Then the front door. I'm biting my nails. We hear a door knob and we see that it's Megan coming out the front door. I shout "Good for you, girl!!" and get ready for the next stressful moment. Chris looks back and forth and I start sweating. Then Sasha comes out the front door. I shout "Good for you, Chris!" Seriously - that chick was crazy.

Then comes the moment of truth. Will Jenn come out on the balcony or will he be rejected by all three. The camera shows the balcony door and the front door as the music builds. I have my remote control in hand, ready to throw it at the TV if they go to a commercial break. Then the front door opens, and Jenn walks out! Poor Chris is left up on the balcony with no one!

It's painful. It's awkward. It's embarrassing.



Sasha Perl-Raver said...

Actually, Billy Ray asked me when I wanted to have kids and I responded with the marriage question and then he asked me my question and I said I didn't know if I was ready for that either. Editing, my friend. Also, Chris told the guys his plan from the jump was to make sure all three girls went for him. Billy Ray can confirm it. Remember, this is reality TV and it's totally manipulated.

Sasha, the sexy but obnoxious redhead.

Anonymous said...

Reading your comments after the show makes it so much more fun.

Emma said...


Anonymous said...

Hey Anonymous, did you NOTICE that Sasha the sexy but obnoxious red head just gave the inside scoop to the Catherine Chronicles?!? CC is like the new TMZ!
sincerley, Anonymous (but not oblivious)

Phyllis Eddings said...

Catherine, this means you too are famous!

Catherine said...

Sasha - thanks for the inside scoop . . . it's good to know these things! Editing is just one more reason I will NEVER go on a reality TV show. And thanks for giving me the mother of all butt-clench moments when I saw your name in my comments section. :) Sorry for the ribbing - thanks for being a good sport about it! :)

Unknown said...

I am going to officially disown you if you say butt clenching one more time. Do it again and I will trade you in for Sasha!

Unknown said...

Catchy, why are you apologizing? It's your blog. Besides, who goes on a reality show, googles their name and then "corrects" a blogger's comments? Someone who is obnoxious and/or crazy.

Andy said...

Looks like Diana made sure that no one from any other reality show ever posts on your blog.