Thursday, August 6, 2009

Blah blah blahg

It's one o'clock in the morning and I cannot think of a single thing to blog about. So I thought I'd just tell you what I've been up to and thinking about in the last week.

Please don't be jealous of how exciting my life is.

On Friday, I had to depose a defendant in a case that will go to trial in September. We were talking about his substance abuse history and he told me that he had smoked marijuana and "wets." I asked what that was and he explained that it's a joint that is laced with Angel Dust and is dipped in embalming fluid.

I'm sorry . . . WHAT??

Where do people come up with these things? And WHO came up with this one in particular? Do embalmers get that bored? I mean, I know I'd be dead so it wouldn't matter, but I don't want my embalmer to be high. And I CERTAINLY don't want him to be so high that he actually thinks soaking his joints in embalming fluid is a brilliant idea.

I also don't want him to be cute because he'll be seeing me naked when I can't suck my stomach in. But I digress . . .

This same defendant explained to us that he was kicked out of the Klan because they found out about his sex offenses. I asked how they found out about them and he said . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . they did a background check. The freakin' Klan did a freakin' BACKGROUND CHECK. Who knew?? Not I.

* * * * *

When I was leaving Huntsville the other day, I had to get gas so I stopped at a gas station that's right by Huntsville high school. The marquis at the gas station said "Go Hornets!" and that's when I realized that the high school mascot is a hornet. Really? A hornet? I mean, sure they hurt when they sting you. Sure they should be avoided whenever possible. But there is something inherently UNthreatening about a mascot that can be killed with a newspaper. Someone should have thought that through.

* * * * *

I've been thinking that I need to start working out more. And since I actually heard my bra creak this week, I thought there's no time like the present. So I pulled out the ol' WiiFit Board to weigh and, you know, throw myself into a hopeless depression. I selected my Mii and the WiiFit starts telling me things like "I haven't seen you in a while." and "It's been a while since you worked out." and "Why are you such a worthless fatty?" I stepped on and the WiiFit program let out a surprised "Oh!" I rolled my eyes and started yelling "Yeah yeah yeah - just hurry up and get it over with." It gave me my results and I had to endure the whole WiiFit experience of watching your Mii blimp up as your weight is revealed. I've described it for you before so I won't bore you with those details. But I WILL remind you that it's brutal and it took me three days for my self esteem to recover. After the program gave me my weight and acted appalled at the results, it asked me if I wanted to set a weight-loss goal. I said yes and chose a goal. Then it got sarcastic with me by saying things like "You didn't make your goal last time. Do you want to pick a more realistic one?"

Why do I use this thing again??

* * * * *

I've been watching NCIS a lot this week - why am I so addicted to this show? I've noticed recently that every time they go search a murder victim's house, the house is always neat and usually has one little messy pile of mail somewhere in the camera shot. It's made me start thinking about how how I should pick up my dirty laundry before I leave so it's not out if people have to search my house. I mean I don't want them to walk in and see my - oh my goodness . . . this show is turning me into my mother.

* * * * *

And now I'm sitting at my computer typing this and I've noticed that, at some point in the last few hours, my throat has started getting sore and my left nostril is stopped up. I hate it when only one nostril is stopped up. It's so annoying. And, inevitably, it runs but you have no suction power to keep snot from running freely down your lip. You feel some . . . ummmm . . . drippage . . . and you try to sniffle it up but there's nothing - one nostril sucks in completely, the other stays stubbornly in place, and you have to run to get a tissue before the floodgates open. Tonight I had to put a tissue in my nostril to keep it plugged up. I looked pretty attractive - I'm not gonna lie.

So here I am sitting here with my creaky bra and a tissue hanging out of my left nostril.

Wanna come hang out?


Emma said...

The hornet thing was my favorite!!.....mascot being killed by a newspaper! Thanks for my morning laugh!

Unknown said...

Listen! i will never use the wii fit!!! It sounds terrible and your not the only person who has commented on it.
i say just get rid of it and start the hip hop abs and the ballet pole thing you have had for so long!

Phyllis Eddings said...

1. You're my hero. Just want you to know that.
2. ROTFLMAO at the KKK background check.
3. I suggest you watch more HOUSE if you want realistic "house visits". They find some neat ones, but usually they are normal, and sometimes they are the most disgusting places you can imagine. Those always make me feel like a somewhat accomplished housekeeper. (the only thing that DOES make me feel that way!)

Deborah said...

speaking of mascots - we have one by us that makes me laugh "The Hutto Hippos" and the color is purple, so the town has purple concret hippos placed throughout the town and various businesses. I would be so embarrassed to go there...but then again - how intimidating is a "Highlander". I know it's your alma mater and I worked there - but I never understood that. I do love the bagpipe brigade at the pep rallies, but i'm sure every other school made fun of them! Don't you think???

Emma said...

OMG, Deborah!! Totally cracking up! You are right about the threatening was that....too funny!

Catherine said...

Hey! No making fun of the Highlanders!! A man in a plaid skirt is ALWAYS intimidating!!

Emma said...

Only if you are a shoe salesman!! :)

Catherine said...

That was funny, Tam!