Friday, June 19, 2009

I would NEVER do that . . .

My roomie Melissa and I recently got caught up in a reality show on the Discovery Channel called "Out of the Wild: The Alaskan Experiment" - have you seen this one? It's obviously based on the book "Into the Wild" which is about the guy who went into the Alaskan wilderness but didn't survive. So this reality show takes 9 contestants into the wild and they have to try to make it back to civilization. They each have a GPS tracker on and they have the option of pushing a rescue button on the tracker which will summon a helicopter to take them out of the wild forever. One by one they reach their breaking points and elect to bail out of the "experiment" until the final four reach the end of the challenge and make it back to civilization.

The experience they have on the show includes over 50 miles of hiking through brutal conditions and terrain, spending the night in tents or occasional cabins in below freezing weather, and eating squirrels, mice, ptarmigan, and porcupine. At least once on each episode, you see them skinning and gutting some animal that they've caught for dinner. Once they showed them squeezing guts out of a mouse's rear and I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I put my lunch aside and thought to myself: "There is not enough money in the world to make me eat a mouse, especially after I've just squeezed guts out of it's butt . . ." Then, as the show went on, the narrator explained that the contestants were not competing for money but, rather, for the satisfaction of having completed the challenge.


If I'm going to eat a rodent of any kind, I expect to be paid handsomely for it. But, even if they paid lots of money, I think I can safely say that I will never be signing up for that show.

That got me thinking about other things I'd never do. Like . . .

1. I'll never sign up for The Biggest Loser. I mean, don't get me wrong - I'd love the challenge and the training and the resulting weight loss. But there's no way in HELL that I'm standing on a scale on national television in biker shorts and a sports bra. Plus, I'm not sure that I'd ever get past the trauma of the producers looking at me and saying "Oh, yeah - she'll be PERFECT for the show." No thank you.

2. I'll never bungee jump. Why do people think this is fun?? First, I don't want to plummet head-first toward any surface. Second, I don't want to be stopped by a rope that's tied around my ankles. That just seems painful. Plus, I think I would end up like that poor mouse because the whole experience would end up squeezing something out of my butt. I bet it would be the mother of all chiropractic adjustments, though. But that's not enough to make it tempting - I'll say "no thanks" to bungee jumping.

3. I'll never streak across a baseball field, or anywhere else for that matter. Why do people do this?? They are CLEARLY not burdened with the insecurities that I have. I mean, there's no way you can suck your gut in while employing football-like dodging techniques to avoid being captured by the poor policeman who drew the short straw and had to chase you. Plus, the thought of any part of my body jiggling on the Jumbotron gives me sweaty armpits. No - I think I'll leave streaking up to the crazies.

Can I get an Amen on any of these?

Well, I'm off to bed. Here's hoping that I don't dream about fat, naked people bungee jumping on the Jumbotron!


Anonymous said...

Bungi-jumping is a lot of fun, and ptarmigan is DELICIOUS!!!!

Emma said...

Put me down for a big ole NOOOO on all of those, too!! :)

Phyllis Eddings said...

Bungee cords are for strapping things down on the back of a moving vehicle. Or keeping my gate shut.

The closest I can come to killing my own meat, is cutting boneless chicken down to smaller portions.....I'd become a vegetarian if I had to butcher my own meat. Can't do it.

Joley said...

Things I'd never do: go on a storm chasing adventure. What kind of nut would do something like that? I can only imagine! :)