Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Uttermost Confusion

Hey, everyone! I'm in trial this week and was concerned that I wouldn't be able to post something to my blog while I'm working into the wee hours on, you know, my job. Soooooooooooo my sweet mom stepped in as a guest blogger today and bailed me out! And I'm so glad she did!!! Thanks a million, Mamasita bonita!!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you Nora . . .

While my friend and I were out shopping, we happened to pass a store with a marquee proclaiming it a Consignment store. Well, nothing says bargain like the word "consignment". So in we went and, almost immediately, my friend found two gorgeous lamps. Even I, from the "my-taste-is-all-in-my-mouth" School of Home Decorating thought they were stunning. But if we hadn't already been stunned by the uniqueness of the lamps, we were definitely stunned by the price tag. It seemed quite high. After all, it was a consignment store. So my friend stepped over to the counter to ask about the lamps and inquire if the store ever had sales.

Who knew the Devil from the Devil Wears Prada moonlights as a consignment store clerk! Oh, she had it all: Eyebrows cocked? Check. Looking over her glasses? Check. Tammy Faye make-up? Check. Two unsuspecting customers? Check, check. As we approached, it was apparent she knew she would be forced to put down her Mocha Mocha Latte and open the "Stupid Question Window."

Well, about halfway through my friend's question, the look on the woman's face turned from the "you dare to interrupt me" glare into a face contorted as though she had just stepped in something squishy and stinky and perhaps that we had put it there. Then she said, as if she were about to hand us our "sign" . . . "Those are UTTERMOST lamps. And, NO they don't have sales. And certainly not on UTTERMOST lamps." I excused myself just long enough to step back outside to make sure I had read the sign correctly. Yep, consignment. Uhhhhhhhh, isn't consignment just a euphemism for "used"? So why was this wench acting like such a snob? She was a cashier at a used furniture store for Heaven's sake, not an auctioneer at Sotheby's! She seemed so taken aback by the fact that we didn't know what an Uttermost lamp was that I thought for a minute there she was going to use that old line from Saturday Night Live: "Jane, you ignorant slut".

I don’t know, it could have been the Bed Bath and Beyond coupons sticking out of my purse that prompted her to quickly scan her surroundings and then condescendingly tell us that, if we had a computer, we could go home and print off a coupon from their website that would entitle us to a 20% discount off any item. Now I‘m no marketing genius, but whoever came up with that idea should have to stick her wet finger in the socket of the nearest Uttermost lamp!. So let me get this straight . . . You want two paying customers to leave your store, drive home to print out a coupon, then drive all the way back to your store where, in fact, they are already standing, in order to get 20% off? What the......??

Before leaving the store to drive home and print out a coupon, my friend wanted to make sure it would be good for the set of two lamps. Well, apparently this was the ultimate slap in the face. The woman put her hand up to the side of her head as though she were about to have an aneurysm and with undisguised disdain said "NOOO, you may only get one lamp with the coupon." Although she made me feel like I had finally split my decorating britches right there in front of God and everyone, I immediately put my shoulders back, stepped up somewhat defiantly, looked over my Versaces, and said "OK, then I will also print out a coupon so my friend could get BOTH for 20% off." She looked over her knockoffs in defeat and said "I guess we couldn't do much about THAT".

That's right, lady. You can't.

Who's the ignorant slut now?


Emma said...

LOL!! Mom, only you could turn an every day outing into something readable and hysterical! Loved the part about looking over your VERSACES!! Great job!

Erin said...

Good job Momza! I'm sort of partial to the ignorant slut part myself. :)

Anonymous said...

Whoa Whoa Whoa!!!! I did not know we were getting guest bloggers! But it was fabulous! Ms. Palmore (still cannot call you Nora, sorry) I think you might be on to something. Start your own blog and I might just have to put you on my favorites list, follow you daily and drop Catherine. Its kinda like the Dr. Phil/Oprah effect. She has made you famous but ultimately the people love you more. JK Cathrine :)

Unknown said...

L-O-V-E-D it! Thanks for stepping in Nora.

Christi said...

Ah! ANd NOW we know where Miss Catchy gets it from. Nice job Catchy's mom! :)

Jill said...

Oh Nora! That was hilarious! I want to go back with you sometime so you can look over your Versaces and I can look over my PRADAS!!! Thankyouverymuch! I love my Palmores (and my Pradas). : )

Anonymous said...

Go to Neiman Marcus sometime and ask one of the sales clerks to direct you to the tire section - that should get a Linda Blair "Exorcist" reaction!

Stephanie said...

Catherine...your mom said slut...freaking awesome!

Jessie Carlson said...

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Jessie said...


Sorry to bother - but please remove the link - or the entire comment from our response to your post.


It was with name Jessie Carlson.

We are trying to address Google issues with links and anchor text.

Thanks, Holly
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