Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I need to get this off my chest . . .

When I was in high school, my mom had something funny happen to her. She was at our grocery store and was walking past a stocker on one of the aisles. He looked up, looked at her chest, gave her a thumbs up and said excitedly "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!" She was slightly horrified but mostly dumbfounded. See, my mom has never been - ummmmmmmmmmm, how should I say this . . . well endowed. In fact, she used to say that she couldn't get arrested going topless on a beach. So, understandably, this really threw her for a loop. She just walked past the kid and spent the next few minutes replaying the whole thing over in her mind and asking herself a series of questions. Did that teenager just look at her chest and do that?? What kind of sick kid would get that excited looking at a middle-aged woman's flat chest? Should she walk by him again before she left the store? Maybe swing her hips a little more this time? Just as she was feeling a little boost in her self-esteem, her chest swelling - yes, SWELLING - with pride, she realized that she was wearing a Chicago Bulls sweatshirt. Then it all made sense to her - he wasn't a sick kid, he was a Bulls fan. She slumped over and pushed her cart to the register, feeling defeated and, well, a little flat.

I actually had a similar experience today. I was out walking my dog and I saw a lady riding a bike toward me. She was going pretty slowly but, luckily, had her bike helmet on . . . you know, in case she lost control and slammed into a tree going 3 miles per hour. ANYWAY, as she was approaching me, she stared at my chest and gave me a spirited thumbs up while she smiled and nodded approvingly. I immediately felt a number of mixed and competing emotions. I felt proud of "the girls," then felt a bit violated, then flattered, then appalled that she was so bold AND that she was still giving me the thumbs up. This was, by far, the longest compliment my chest had ever received. I was just beginning to draft my thank-you-so-much-I'm-very-flattered-but-I'm-straight speech, when she passed me and said "Gig 'Em!" That's when I realized that I was wearing one of my Texas A&M shirts. My shoulders fell and I smiled back at her. I'm sure she wondered why her greeting had produced such a look of rejection on my face . . .

You know, if a college chooses the thumbs up as it's "thing", it should NOT allow its logo to be placed on anyone's chest.

But I'm not bitter or anything.


Emma said...

LOL! Think I'm gonna go buy some team spirit shirts :)

Alana said...

Ok, this blog-entry is the perfect opportunity to get THIS off my CHEST!!!
Yesterday, I was working in the garden--- Dustin came around the corner throwing fertilizer everywhere and asked me to move. Since I was cornered between some rather large bushes and the 3 ft. tall patio railing- I thought to myself... "Self, I can jump this rail"... So I DID!!

It wasn't my best moves or anything but for some reason it made me feel kinda like I still had some sort of "cool-ness" deep down inside.

ANYWAY, Dustin was just about finished and about that time, two guys came walking down the street heading closer to our house. Ok, OK, let me ClaRiFY... not exactly GUYS... rather-ummmmm, lets say 12 or 13 year olds.

For some reason I thought to myself, "Alana, hurdle jump over the rail, and show these BOYZ that MOMS can still be super-cool" (Mistake #1: assuming that they were even watching me... Mistake #2: assuming that hurdling a patio rail was even "cool"- better yet "super-cool")

I started going for the rail, and swiftly made my move (I am pretty sure "the eye of the tiger" was playing in my head)- So there I was "hurdling" over the railing. WELL, NOT exactly! In mid-air I realized that I was not gonna make it so I threw my hands on the rail to brace myself - because I was sadly landing in a way where one leg was on either side -- (lets just say I am relieved that I am not a man... cause if I was, I am pretty sure that would have sent my Beaver Nuggets to where the sun dont shine!)
Anywho, after THE "impact" (you know... On my Va-Jay-Jay, I quickly threw myself over the rail and back into the garden- landing on one foot (spraining my foot a wee-bit) -- body falling into a massive bush--- death grip on the massive bush so that I didn’t literally eat dirt.
Somehow I recovered and stood up as quickly as I could, Shovel in hand... Pretending that it was all part of the plan....

Things I learned:
#1: I am not "cool" anymore
#2: I cannot and should not try to "hurdle" EVER again!
#3: If they WERE watching- I am sure they thought I was suffering from some kind of EPISODE- my flailing arms, the crotch-bounce, my one foot landing-- seems pretty seizure-like to me
#4: If they were NOT watching, it proves that I am even more of an idiot than I thought.

AND the WORST part is…My foot was hurting so I hobbled AROUND the railing, up the steps, and sat down on our porch swing- Re-living the HORROR.
Dustin, who had not seen anything, came around the corner and noticed something was wrong with me.
Words started coming out of my mouth- Against My Will- And somehow I managed to tell him everything from my desire to “show-off” in front of 12 year olds- to- my pelvic bruise – to my bum foot.

My poor husband… He just stared at me with his eyebrows scrunched together and his mouth wide open.
I am pretty sure he was asking himself, “What the HELL is wrong with my wife”
It made for a really embarrassing day.

Unknown said...

Alana, when you referenced Beaver Nuggets I couldn't help but laugh out loud!

Tracy said...

Like mother like daughter!

Catherine said...

Alana, you inspired me to change the title of this entry! Thanks for that!! I couldn't think of anything with "chest" in it but getting something off your chest is PERFECT. :) And thanks for the hilarious mental image of you crashing and burning in front of those boys. In a few years, I think you might be a blog topic . . . "When I was a kid, my friend and I were walking past this lady's house . . ."

Unknown said...

I don't know who Alana is, but that was stinkin' hilarious! (So, too was Catherine's story!)

The Leuenberger's said...


Stephanie said...

she could have been thumbs up-ing both your shirt and your never know....