Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Seriously - why are you standing there?

This weekend I went to the movies with my mom, my sisters, my best friend, and one of my dear friends, Kelly. After we found our seats, I ran to the restroom. As I approached the ladies' room, I could see that the line was out the door. That was unfortunate for me because I had downed a LOT of water at dinner and was in pretty bad shape. I contemplated bullying my way to the front of the line but some of the ladies in front of me were too big for me to take so I just waited patiently.

There are a lot of things to think about when you're standing in line in a public restroom but my mind always goes to one particular thing: which stall will I get. Sometimes I entertain myself by trying to predict it and, if I'm right, I smile awkwardly as I pass the girl who just left the winning stall. But most often, as I stand there, I'm hoping and praying that I don't get the first stall.

I HATE the first stall. You do, too. Maybe you don't spend ridiculous amounts of time thinking about it. And maybe you don't find your heart racing when you think about it. But you hate it, too. It usually has a HUGE gap between the wall and the door frame that leaves you very vulnerable to passersby. But that's not the worst part. When there's a long line, people inevitably end up standing RIGHT IN FRONT of the first stall. And they're leaning back against the wall which means that they are FACING your stall. And that means that you have an audience while you're trying to do your business. And if it's a kid standing there - FORGET it.

Why do people stand there? I'm getting mad just thinking about it. I mean, if you're standing there facing me, then my attention necessarily has to be on you. I have to make sure that you're not looking into my stall and I have to concentrate on keeping a very stern look on my face in case we make eye contact. I come up with snappish things to say if we do. Like "can I help you?" or "are you at least going to buy me dinner?" or "would you like me to pose for a picture?" Then I think it might not be a good idea to invite photography at such a moment so I scratch that one. Under the circumstances, I really want to be able to hurry up and get on my way but with all the perverts staring into my stall, I'm really too preoccupied to get things done quickly. It really wears me out.

So this weekend as I stood there, waiting for my turn, I had my eye on that first stall and on the girl standing there facing it. I began to sweat and prepare myself to turn to the lady behind me and say "You look like you have to go more than I do so go ahead and take that stall." But, after all that worrying, the first stall opens up for the girl in front of me and I'm safe. I end up getting a stall toward the end, out of the way of the encroaching line. I breathe a sigh of relief, use the restroom, and head back to the theater.

But I'm normal, right??


Emma said...

That could be a Seinfeld episode!! Funny!!

Anonymous said...

The blog is very funny ( as usual) but i can't help but be sad for poor Kelly, " BEST FRIEND ( yeah!!) oh, and one of my many 'dear' friends ( waa waaaaa)" Is there anything Kelly can do to get promoted to "best" friend status?? Is there a list of physical traits, bad habits or annoying mannerisms that Kelly can work on to achieve "best friend?"
Hang in there Kelly. I think you are best friend material!

Catherine said...

Anonymous . . . whoever you are, that was stinkin' hilarious.

Anonymous said...

IIIII was thinking the very SAME thing!!! "dear", hmmmm, doesn't sound good, maybe pathetic, old, lonely...more descriptive than "dear". Thanks for feeling my pain Anonymous. KELLY !