Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Stupid scale.

My sisters and I are trying to lose weight so we've decided to enter into a friendly little competition to see who can lose 10 pounds first . . . you know, because we always have to turn everything into a competition. We've decided that we will meet at my mom's house on Thursdays to weigh and then hang out after that. Preferably at some place like Cheesecake Factory so that we can do our best to put our weight back on as quickly as possible.

Hold on - I need to put these Oreos down so I can type better . . .

Okay, I'm back. ANYWAY, I have been super motivated. I've been eating pretty well and have been Hip Hop Ab-ing my butt off so last week I knew that I had lost more than my sisters. I just knew it - they were going down. So I was SO excited to get over to my mom's so that I could weigh in and see just HOW much weight I'd lost. On my drive over, I was practicing some of the nice things that I would say to my sisters to encourage them and to not be disheartened about losing so badly to me that week. I had narrowed it down to "BAM, Beeyotches!! Take THAT!!" and "Taste that defeat ladies? It's calorie-free and courtesy of ME." I could NOT wait to get on that scale.

I got over to my mom's and went inside. Two of my nieces were helping my mom make Rice Krispie treats so they were busy in the kitchen while I ran to the scale to get the good news. I stepped on the scale and waited for the digital readout to make my night. Suddenly, the numbers popped up and I read them.

Excuse me . . . does that say that I GAINED a half a pound?? LIAR!!

Stupid scale.

There is no cuss word that could possibly capture what I felt at that moment. Or what I wanted to say. But, being the nice girl that I am, I kept a clean mouth and handled it very maturely by pouting into the kitchen and being a good role model for my nieces by saying things like "I'm so MAD. Hurry up and make those Rice Krispie cookies cuz I'm gonna just eat 'em ALL. Stupid Hip Hop Abs - why am I even DOING it? And my stomach's been GROWLING all week - how the HECK did I not lose anything. Ugh. I'm so MAD. I just wanna CRY."

That's when Savannah tried to comfort me. She was standing on paint can by the stove so that she could stir the butter and marshmallows in her pot - because it's safety first in the Palmore family - and we had this exchange:

Savannah: Why do you want to cry, Catchy?
Me: [in mature 34-year-old pouty kind of way] BeCUZ. I didn't lose ANY. WEIGHT.
Savannah: Well, that's okay, Catchy. Don't cry. You'll have LOTS of chances to lose weight before you die.
Avery: Yeah, but my mommy has already lost like 100,000 weight.
Me: Well, your mom is a filthy liar.

Okay - I didn't say that last line. But I wanted to.

And Savannah's words were strangely both encouraging and depressing all at the same time. But she does have a point - I'll have LOTS of chances to lose weight in my life.

But those Oreos, on the other hand, have an expiration date. So I better take care of THAT while I have the chance.


Unknown said...

What the Hell! Now why would you tell the world that Savannah was standing on a paint can at the stove!!!! Do you want people who already THINK I'm an idiot to KNOW I'm an idiot? Oh, wait a minute, that can is still there in the corner by the stove. Wow, now where did I leave that huge butcher knife I used to cut them into nice squares, hmmmmm, I better go check.

Emma said...

Way cute & funny!! Hadn't heard that exchange....very sage! Loved the closing paragraph

Phyllis Eddings said...

I love you. You're my hero.

Unknown said...

Cracking UP! BAM Beeyotches! Catchy, didn't you know if you are exercising you could also be putting on some muscle which DOES weigh more than fat!