Tuesday, May 25, 2010

An eye-opening bottle-opener experience.

So I had my friend Stephanie and her husband George over for dinner tonight to thank Stephanie for designing my beautiful backyard for me. My mom and sisters joined us, as well, and it was a great evening of fun and lots of laughing. I made Italian sausage lasagna and asparagus using all the herbs that Stephanie had planted for me in my yard. She loves red wine so I had bought a couple of bottles of one of her favorite kinds for her to enjoy with dinner. But unfortunately, and much to my dismay, I couldn't find my wine bottle opener when it came time to serve the wine. I searched every drawer in my kitchen and there was no sign of it. I was so frustrated.

So I decided to go borrow one from my neighbor but when I knocked on their door, there was no answer. Again . . . frustrated.

Then I walked over to my OTHER neighbor's house to see if they had one I could borrow. Again, there was no answer when I knocked on the door. My frustration was growing.

As I was standing at my 2nd neighbor's door, I saw yet a third neighbor who lives a few houses down and who I have only recently met. So I yelled down to her, asking if she had a wine bottle opener that I could borrow. She said she wasn't sure but she thought she might so I walked over to her and followed her into her kitchen. We stood in her kitchen for a few minutes while she practically emptied her drawers trying to help me out. While I was standing there, her husband yelled from another room: "What are you looking for?" She yelled back "Catherine from down the street is here and she's looking for a cork screw opener." There was a slight pause and then he yelled again: "What are you looking for?" She repeated her answer and then there was a short pause again. I guess he wasn't able to hear her because, the next thing I knew, he was coming around the corner and into the kitchen . . . completely naked.

HO . . . LY . . . CRAP.

I really didn't know what to do. So, inexplicably, my reaction was to stand up completely straight - you know, in that "I'm totally awkward and I don't know what to do so I'm just going to stand here with perfect posture" posture. I kept my eyes UP and AWAY and tried to not yell "That's NOT a cork screw, buddy!!" He certainly didn't react as quickly as one would expect a naked man to do when he realizes that some innocent bystander he barely knows is in his kitchen. He was carrying some plastic orange kitchen utensils with him (mental note - do not EVER eat dinner over there . . .) and he handed them to his wife. Then he moved back behind the wall he had come around and I tried to act like it was the most normal thing in the world to walk around naked with orange kitchen utensils. Meanwhile, his wife continued to look for a bottle opener while I resisted the temptation to shout "GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN, WOMAN - I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FREAKING BOTTLE OPENER!! I WANT TO GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE SO I CAN PUT MY HOUSE ON THE MARKET AND MOVE AWAY AND NEVER LOOK YOU PEOPLE IN THE EYE AGAIN!!!!"

I was able to eventually get out of there and get back to my house. I spent a few seconds in my front yard looking for a good stick with which to GOUGE MY FREAKING EYEBALLS OUT. But all I found was an image burned into my mind of a naked man carrying an orange spatula. This is what I have to live with now. Forever.

Freakin' wine bottle opener.


Unknown said...

HILARIOUS!!! But when you say he barely knew you, he really did BARELY know you!!

CL said...

Oh my goodness! How DO you find yourself in these situations?
I think I'd just give up on the drinking;-)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like they will probably swingers hoping for a better reaction. If my wife was bringing someone in the house and knew I might possibly be naked, she would be sure to notify me for the sake of the person coming over... OMG Catherine... To live in your shoes for just 1 day. Ha Ha.

Phyllis Eddings said...

ROTFLMAO. And all of my co-workers are too.

Emma said...

Only you, Catchy!! Only you! Great, wonderful evening, too. Thanks!

jessica wilson said...

OMG..i am crying i am laughing so hard..oh, girl. you need your own show!

Victorian Lady said...

Loved catching up! You had me in tears, once again!! The comcast one too! :)