Thursday, September 10, 2009

Yeah - I have NO idea what you're talking about . . .

I'm seriously one of the most sheltered people I know. I've known that all my life but it has become painfully obvious to me since I began working in my current job. For those of you who don't know, I prosecute sex offenders. This is not an easy job for someone who is a self-proclaimed prude. I have to say words I never thought I'd have to say, talk about body parts that I would prefer to leave unnamed, and ask questions about things I know NOTHING about.

I was re-reading a deposition that I took recently and, when I got to the section about drugs, I just put my head in my hands, laughed, and thought "what the heck am I doing in this job??"

Since my biggest vice in life has been Diet Dr. Pepper, I'm a little out of my league when talking about drugs with these guys. The problem is that I don't want these defendants to realize that I'm out of my comfort zone on this stuff. I don't know why I feel like that - I think it's more of a pride thing than a strategic thing. So I try to word my questions in a way that makes it seem like I'm a little more savvy than I am.

Except in this deposition.

Here is some of the drug section with my inner thoughts inserted . . .

Q: What drugs have you done?
A: In the world?
Q: Anywhere.
A. In the world just regular weed and water.

[Wait - what? Water is a drug? Act cool, Catherine. Act cool.]

Q: And what? [blinking my eyes too much]
A: Embalming fluid. They call it wet.
Q: Okay. So you dipped the marijuana in the embalming fluid?
A: Yes.

[What bored coroner came up with THAT idea??]

Q: Okay. So you did marijuana just plain by itself and then you did the --

[Did you just say "marijuana just plain by itself?" It isn't ice cream, Catherine.]

A: Mixed with angel dust, PCP.
Q: Okay. Wait. Back up.

[Be cool, Catherine. Be cool. Don't look so confused . . .]

A: It's -- it's -- it's water, but it's mixed with PCP which is angel -- angel dust.
Q: Okay.
A: It's laced together.
Q: All right. So you did -- okay. So you dipped marijuana in embalming fluid that's laced with PCP?
A: Yes, ma'am.
Q: Is angel dust and PCP -- are those the same thing, or are they two separate things?
A: Separate.

[Act like you knew that. Nod knowingly and make him think you were just testing him.]

Q: They're separate. Okay.
A: PCP is dust, it's called angel dust. But the embalming fluid ain't 100 percent embalming fluid. It's mixed with other chemicals.

[What did he say? I didn't hear anything after "ain't."]

Q: So it's embalming fluid mixed with PCP and angel dust, though?:
A: PCP and angel dust are the same.

[Wait - I'm so confused . . .]

Q: Oh, they are the same?
A: The same.

[Act like you knew that. Nod knowingly and act like you were testing him again . . .]

Q: Okay. So the embalming fluid is mixed with PCP and some other chemicals, and then you dip the joint in there?
A: I've never done it, but I've smoked it.
Q: Okay. Have you done PCP separately from that?
A: No. PCP is angel dust. That's what you put inside the weed and you roll it up. And you've got some chemical embalming fluid and you soak it up and it makes it more intense.
Q: And the joint -- is the joint different than a regular joint, you put PCP in it as well?
A: Yes, ma'am.
Q; But you don't normally have PCP in a joint?

[Yeah - just lost all street cred with that question. He's on to me now. He knows I spent high school singing New Kids on the Block songs and wearing bows in my hair.]

A: No, ma'am.

[Act like you knew that. Act cool. Sell it, Catherine. Sell it.]

Q: And the effect of the embalming fluid is just to make it more --
A: Intense.
Q: -- the high is more intense?
A: I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
Q. Okay. Why?
A: it could be dangerous.

[What was your first clue, buddy? The fact that it's dipped in something they put in DEAD PEOPLE??]

Q: Okay. And you also huffed gas?
A. Yes, ma'am.

[Did I just use "huffed gas" in a sentence and keep a straight face? I think I kinda pulled it off . . . ]

Q: What else did you do.
A: Gas or paint, paint thinner.
Q: Okay.
A: What is that y'all females use on y'alls fingernails?

[Finally!! Something I know!!! Ummmmm . . . quick, Catherine - throw something out there!]

Q: Fingernail polish?

[Why am I smiling so excitedly??]

A: No the --
Q: Fingernail polish remover?

[Wow - did I just interrupt him with another excited guess?]

A: Remover.

[Boooooooyah!! I OWN this game!! I mean deposition. Calm down, Catherine. Play it cool.]

Q: Okay.
A: Whiteout. Besides huffing paint that's it.
Q: So you huffed gas, paint, paint thinner, fingernail polish remover, and Whiteout?

[I said "huffed gas" again and kept a straight face! I'm getting so mature!!]

A: And that - - I can't remember what kind of glue it is, but it's got a -- a strong aroma to it. I can't think what kind of glue it is.
Q: Like Super Glue or rubber cement or --
A: It's like -- it's used when you're kids when you in --
Q: Like Elmer's Glue.
A: Yeah.
Q: Just the white glue?

[Were you in my second grade class? Sitting next to the boy who ate his erasers?]

A: White, but it's -- I don't know how to say it. I guess you might want to say it's Elmer's Glue.

[Ummmmmm . . . I DID say it was Elmer's Glue. Remember? I think you've huffed yourself out of one too many brain cells, my friend.]

Q: Is it like the white bottle with the orange pointy top and you stick it up your nose and huff it like that?

[Why is he looking at me like I'M the weirdo?? Besides, that's how the kid in my second grade class sniffed glue . . .]

A: Oh, not -- you don't put it in your nose and huff it. You huff it through the --

[Act like you know what he's talking about . . .]

Q: Through the -- okay. [Didn't work. He's still looking at you for the answer.] Through a --
A: Yeah.
Q: -- thing? Okay.

[Nice . . . well played, Catherine. Well, played.]

Huh. Interesting . . . all this talk about laced embalming fluid and huffing makes me want a Diet Dr. Pepper.

Should I be concerned?


Emma said...

OMG! I remember you telling that story, but that was even funnier.....probably the inner thoughts!! Funny!

Phyllis Eddings said...

I love how you have to keep getting clarification from him. He talks like all of that is common knowledge—like everyone knows about that stuff. (I think you and I are at the same level, except that I like a drink now and then). Maybe he DID think you knew a thing or two at the outset.

**Google confirmation word "basest"....appropriate, don't you think?

Melissa said...

dude, I'm not ever letting my kids use Elmer's glue unsupervised!! Elmers? Seriously? Dang.