Tuesday, May 26, 2009


When I first started blogging, I thought "This will be easy. Crazy stuff happens to me or a member of my family all the time - I'll have something funny to write about everyday." This has not proven to be true. As soon as I started blogging, my life got boring. What the heck?? This has made my life, well . . . boring, but it has also made blogging a little stressful!! I mean, what do I write about when nothing "blog-worthy" has happened to me?? I guess there is only one solution: when I have a blah day, I'll just bring you along for the ride. So here is my day summed up for ya . . .

I have back-to-back trials in a couple of weeks so I spent my holiday reading depositions in one of my cases. Sometimes I accomplish more if I have background noise so I'll turn on the television. Today was a Law and Order marathon on USA so I turned it on and watched several episodes of Law and Order SVU - you know, the Special Victims Unit. So basically, I spent my holiday reading about pervs and watching them on TV. I'm not sure that's how Memorial Day was meant to be celebrated.

Then I went to meet my family for dinner. We decided to meet at this new place called Which Wich. It's a sandwich restaurant that has attempted to take the tired idea of a sandwich shop and put a new twist on it. So when you walk in, there is a big menu with 10 categories of sandwiches and little brown paper bags that correspond with each category. You pick which sandwich you want, select the corresponding paper bag, and then check off the extras you want which are printed on the little bag. You turn the bag in and, in a few minutes, your sandwich is ready. I stood in front of the menu, trying to decide which wich I wanted (ahhhhhhhhhhh, I get the name . . .) and noticed two things that troubled me. First, there was a "Spam Classic" sandwich on the menu. This was mildly interesting and slightly troubling but I thought "to each his own." Then I selected the bag for my sandwich and started checking the particulars for my chicken parmesan. I got to the cheese section and noticed that "Cheez Whiz" was listed as a cheese. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Now, I'm not a snob - I love Cheez Whiz as much as the next gal. On a Ritz cracker. At home. When I was eight. I've never seen it listed on a menu. This troubled me and, although my sandwich was good, I'm just not sure how I feel about a place that could feasibly serve a Spam and Cheez Whiz sandwich. Can I get an Amen?

We sat outside and ate our sandwiches. My sister Tammy went inside to check on her kids' milkshakes. I started eating my dinner and chatting with my family. After a while, I started thinking it was strange that Tammy hadn't come back out yet. I ACTUALLY began wondering if she had been abducted and was being held hostage in a back room somewhere. I made a mental note that Law and Order marathons might not be the best thing for me.

On my way back home, I was trying to change lanes and the guy in the next lane sped up to foil my efforts. This got me thinking about the kind of personality one must have to go to that kind trouble. I mean, is he in his car shouting "NO CUTS!!" or "THIS IS MY LANE!!"? Did he just lose an argument with his wife so he is attempting to re-assert control somewhere? Does he think I'll get in his lane and slow down to 5 mph and make him late to wherever he's going? I have no idea. But I know that in those situations, it is incumbent upon me to be the more mature person. So I move over two lanes, speed up, and get in front of him from the other side. This made me WAY too happy and that started me thinking about my OWN personality . . .

When I got home, I had a couple of NCIS episodes that I had recorded so I decided to watch them. Have you watched this show? When I first started watching it, I thought it was a little cheesy but it's grown on me. So I watched a few episodes of that, too. On one of the episodes, the director of NCIS was kidnapped and held hostage. Her captor had her handcuffed with her hands behind her back and he made her kneel down. A few minutes later, he pointed the gun at her from across the room and made her stand back up. Rather than being focused on what a scary predicament she was in, I focused on how hard that would be to do. I pictured myself in her position. I'd be kneeling there with my hands cuffed behind me, he'd point the gun at me and tell me to stand up, and then the circus would begin. First, I would bring one knee forward with my foot planted firmly and attempt to stand but, without my hands, I would likely lose my balance and fall backwards with my hands trapped beneath me. Then I would have to try to flop around until I could roll myself over onto my stomach and get off my hands. I would lay there for a second, catching my breath and trying to figure out how to get up off my stomach without my hands. I would somehow work my knees up underneath me so that my butt would be in the air and my face would be smashed into the floor. From that position, I'd have to really do some core work to get my upper body back up off the floor. I'd count to three and grunt as I tried it and then I'd curse myself for not being more faithful with my Hip Hob Abs. I'd think to myself "Shaun T. could do this with no problem." Somehow I'd manage to get back up on my knees, completely out of breath and with my back to my captor who would no doubt be dumbfounded by what he just witnessed. I'd put one knee forward and try to stand again. I would most likely be shot at that point.

And now I'm sitting here in my living room thinking about what a great idea it would be to create an ab workout video that utilizes this whole "hands cuffed behind your back" thing. It would be unique and unquestionably an amazing workout. Unfortunately, though, it's late and I have to get to bed. But seriously, someone ought to run with that idea . . .


Emma said...

Okay, that was funny!...like stream of consciousness, blog style. The part about driving, and cutting in is soooo true....totally me! BUT totally cracking up over the whole trying to stand up with your hands behind your back!!!

Alana said...

amen tammy!!

catchy- you always make me laugh- even when you think you are writing about your boring day!!

NOW, get after that book!!! I have already taken the liberty to come up with some cool titles (of course, this was only made possible by using your material):

"Chocking on a Ham Sandwich",
"Tilt, Tuck, and Flip Flop",
"The Local Boy who Suffered from Elephentitis of the Bicep",
"Lots of Beer and Bacon",
"Primal Yell",
"She was Throwed Off",
"Killing Sergeant Somebody with Happy Acres and Starburst",
"No Flash PhErtography",
"The Toilet at my office is a Feeble Flusher",
"Tommow's Special",
"It could have been the Sprinkler",
"What's a Homeboy",
"Could it be Ginger",
"HEB Buddy Bucks from Santa",
"But I'm too Shycastic",
"He was Slurping Drool for a Week",
"Spam and Cheez Whiz: A Tale of Hand Cuffs"

Phyllis Eddings said...

For someone with "nothing to say", you sure posted a long blog, and an entertaining one at that. Don't worry that your'e not having an interesting enough day. CLEARLY you have no problem being entertaining. XOXO

Unknown said...

The first thing that made me laugh, but not the last, was when you said "Can I get an Amen". Early morning laughs are the best!

Catherine said...

Alana, you're cracking me up with your title suggestions! I think I like Shycastic . . . that could be a good title!! :)

Tracy said...

Somehow, you can make even the mundane sound pretty darn exciting!

Love you, Catchy! Let's get together soon!

Unknown said...

I just deleted my comment and now I am ticked! To sum it up:
You crack me up to! I can't wait to read your blog everyday so I don't care what you write about!
I watched those shows yesterday as background noise too. Sometimes as "foreground noise" ???!! not sure what that is or if I like that word.....
ahem.....My brother and his family LOVE WhichWich in San Antonio. I wasn't impressed with the one in Magnolia but now that I know they serve Cheese Wiz I might just have to give them another try.....

BTW: Did Tammy ever come back?

Jo Ann said...

I had such a great mental picture of you in the hostage predicament! I am laughing at my desk while I eat lunch. So really, I don't feel like I missed out on the gossip at lunch at all!

steph said...

your life is sooooo NOT boring ... (wait, I am judging it based on mine, though ... j/k). love the free style in this one :)

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious!!

I love the way you write!!

You should totally write a book!!