Thursday, September 30, 2010

Best wishes and warm regards

When I wake up in the morning, I stumble to the bathroom sink, brush my teeth, and look at myself in the mirror. Usually I see something like this:
As I'm admiring my amazing bedhead and my general beauty in the morning, one question comes to mind: "WHY am I still single?" I mean, I really have no idea why no man would want to wake up next to THIS every morning. I really don't. Is it because I refuse to date men who start sentences off with "I ain't got no . . ."? Is it because I'm too judgmental when men sport mullets? Or is it because I'll never love a man the way I love the fajitas at Lupe Tortilla? I don't know the answer. But I'm tired of the status quo.

So I've joined the world of online dating.

So far, my experience has been an interesting one. I've had contact with one really nice and really normal guy and that has been super fun. But I've also been contacted by a few . . . ummmmmm . . . interesting guys. And by "interesting" I mean "Holy CRAP! People like this really exist??" For instance, one guy from California just emailed me the other day. And I think that we could be just PERFECT for each other. "Why do you think that, Catherine?" you ask. Well, see for yourselves:

Hi Pretty,

My name is Gary and I am 47 years old.

I beg to be counted among the crowds who behold your splendor because angels conspired to paint you a masterpiece. [Wow. I don't . . . I can't . . . is he . . . My armpits are sweating. They're ACTUALLY sweating after just one freakin' line.] You're so appealing that I think we could make a perfect and unique connection. [Weeeeeell . . . Let's agree to disagree on that one, bud.] I was caught by your lovely look and smiles that is so geniune, captivating and I guess from your heart too?. [Well, when you can't decide if you're making a statement or asking a question, the ever-popular question mark/period combination is always a good choice.] This definitely means that you must be a very special, nice, kind and unique person with such a combined beauty and radiant smile by the Grace of God. [Must . . . find . . . delete . . .] Most importantly, I am more concern about the beauty of the Heart and Soul than the outside beauty. Outside beauty will fade away with time, but the beauty of Heart and Soul will stay for forever.

I don't play planks or a flatter with stuffs of the nature, [wait - come again . . .?] I mean every word from the bottom of my heart. playing planks or flattering to me is like cheating. Best wishes and Warm Regards.

Since most people say they like to travel, [Wait - there's more? But didn't he just say "Best wishes and Warm Regards?" I'm so confused . . .] it would be nice to meet someone out of the neighborhood to visit another city. Most people just settle for someone because it is convenient, because they live close. That is pretty sad. If someone is willing to make a supreme effort to get to know you, maybe such person is worth getting to know too. Please don’t tell me our profiles don’t match on distance if that is the only reason why you are not interested. [Oh buddy . . . that is the LEAST of our problems, believe me . . .]

If you are interested in meeting a true gentleman, send me an email. Let me know even if you are not interested. [Okay . . . I'm not.] Keep Smiling and God Bless you always as you want to know more about me, we can chat via yahoo or msn IM, it is more convinient, secured and faster compared to this medium. On the messenger, instant answers can be given to any possible question. You can also send me your yahoo or msn email address, s o that I can add you to my yahoo IM.

I look forward to your response soon. [Weeeeeeeeell . . . define "soon" . . .]
Yours: Gary

Ahhhhhhh . . . now I see. Thaaaaaaaaat's why I'm still single.

Seriously?? Is this what I have to look forward to in this online world? This going to be a painful process.

I feel like someone is playing a plank on me . . .


Phyllis Eddings said...

I'm thinking English is not his first language. And what's worse, is he probably re-uses this on everyone he communicates with.

It's a scary world out there Catherine. I feel your pain.

Gotta say, I think you're looking pretty good though. Hip-hop abs and your anti-processed food approach are paying off. I can see it in your face.
:) Love you!

Gwendolyn said...

Wow, that guy needs a greencard. Stat! LOL!

Tania said...

Awesome! Wait until you get a guuy who wants you to send him a text picture of your feet - that actually happened to me!

I know it's frustrating, but keep at it - at least it's good practice and fodder for your blog.

I am happy to say it actually worked for me, but that BS about happening when you least expect it is ... well, BS!

Good luck and keep us posted!

The Leuenberger's said...

Yay!! The first chapter of your book. I've been waiting a long time for this. Can't wait to hear more updates in the online world---no doubt the stories will be HILARIOUS!!

Lisa said...

I just read this outloud to one of my co-workers and could barely get through it because I was laughing so much. Please remind me to tell you one day about the foreign man who hit on me (basically propositioned me) at Starbucks one day....