Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Nora: The Owner's Manual (Part Two)

As I told y'all yesterday, I've decided to start renting my mom out for parties. It makes sense, really, because everyone loves my stories about my mom . . . so why not give them the opportunity to experience her in person? But I realized that Nora Renters (like yourself, perhaps?) would benefit from an Owner's Manual that would provide tips, explanations and, in some cases, apologies to assist them during their rental period. So bit by bit, I'm compiling all the information I need to give YOU all the information YOU need when you rent my mom.

For instance . . .


1. Beverages
If, during your rental period, you offer my mom a drink, there are a few things you should know.

a. She likes Diet Coke or Regular Pepsi. You'll need to know this because, if you all are sitting around chatting and you happen to stand up to do something like go to the bathroom, answer the door, or save a drowning child, she will doubtless say: "I'd love a Diet Coke while you're up . . ." And you need to know that she likes LOTS of ice in her Diet Cokes so make sure that you're not stingy in the ice department . . .

b. She loves hot chocolate and will definitely accept a mug of it if you offer her some. And you might decide on the spur of the moment that you will be super fun and go that extra mile by garnishing that hot chocolate with some marshmallows. Sort of like a little surprise for her. And that's a great idea. Except for one thing . . . she likes to rinse her marshmallows before putting them in the hot chocolate. Yep. That's what I said. She rinses her marshmallows . . . because she doesn't like marshmallow dust. Don't ask questions, people . . .

c. If you're having a barbecue and everyone's drinking ice-cold beers, you might find yourself offering my mom one. She's not really a drinker and she's REALLY not a beer drinker but there's something about ice-cold beer that she's attracted to. She thinks it looks good, even though she knows she doesn't like the taste. So if you offer her one, she'll probably say yes. But she'll want it to be in an ice-cold mug, for some reason, so hopefully you have one in your freezer for the occasion. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand she'll take one sip and then she'll be done . . . because she really does NOT like beer. But she'll talk a while about how it looks so niiiiiiiiice and coooooooooold.
Allow me to apologize for the wasted beer . . .


2. Road trips

Are you wanting a great conversationalist to accompany you on your trip? Do you want someone who will make you laugh with witty comments as you drive? Then you should DEFINITELY rent my mom for your next road trip! She will make the time fly because she is great at finding interesting and fun topics to talk about.

HOWEVER . . . are you trying to get somewhere quickly? Are you attempting to beat your last time of 3 hours and 2 minutes from Houston to Dallas? Then you should definitely NOT rent my mom for that road trip. And let me explain why . . .

First of all, she loves a "lark." What is a lark? Well, it's a little spontaneous excursion, if you will. So you will hear this many times on your trip: "What does that sign say? Old General Store, Next Exit? Let's go check it out! Come ooooooooooon . . . it'll be a lark!!" Larks are NOT good for breaking record travel times . . .

Second, she cannot use the restroom at just any old place. McDonald's? Absolutely not. Burger King? Are you kidding me? Gas station? Go slap your own face. Nope - on a road trip, my mom will only use the restroom at a hotel. So that means that you cannot combine your gas/lunch/restroom stop at that Chevron with the attached Taco Bell. Noooooooooooo. That would be too easy. Instead, you have to pull out of the Chevron and drive over to the Holiday Inn so that my mom can go in and use their restrooms. She feels that they're cleaner than any other option and she's got a good point. But it is a serious set-back in time. And, to make matters worse, she's worried that they won't let her use the restroom if she's not a guest there so she makes you go in to run interference by pretending to inquire about their hotel. I can't tell you the number of Holiday Inn, Comfort Suites, and Hampton brochures I've been given over the years. Take my word for it - she's not the road trip buddy for you if you're in a hurry.

And third, she thinks the trip from Houston to Dallas (which is 3 and half hours AT MOST) is too long and should maybe be broken up into a two-day trip. In fact, she and my dad drove to Dallas from Houston once and she convinced him to stop and spend the night in Ennis. For those of you who aren't familiar with that trip, Ennis is only about 40 miles outside of Dallas. THEY WERE ALMOST THERE. I'm so glad that I wasn't on that trip because I think it would have killed a part of my soul to have stopped. It's killing a bit of my soul even now, just writing about it . . .


3. Phone calls
If my mom calls you at any point during the day, she will likely butt-dial you at least 5 more times. So it's a good idea to invest in the unlimited minutes plan with your cell phone provider.


4. Movies
My mom loves movies and will always be up for catching one with you. But you should know that if there is a highly inappropriate line in the movie that you would rather die than repeat, my mom will not hear it. And then she'll turn to you and ask you what they just said. It's horrible. So be warned that you'll have lots of moments like this:

Actor in movie: And then I'm gonna take your blankety blank and shove it up your bleepity bleep so far that you'll have to blank to blank for the rest of your bleeping life.
Mom: [in a loud whisper] What did he say?
Me: [Oh, Lord, no! Just ignore her, Catherine. Pretend you can't hear her right now. It'll work.]
Mom: [poking my arm] Catherine . . . what did he say?
Me: [gulp] I don't know. I couldn't hear it.
Mom: He said something about shoving something up his blankety blank . . .
Me: [Oh God, please spare me] Oh he did? I didn't hear it.
Mom: Are you sure? What did he say he was going to have to do for the rest of his life?
Me: [Please - make it stop . . .] No idea. He was mumbling so I missed it.
Mom: Too bad. Seems like it might have been an important line.
Me: I know. Bummer, right?

Just play dumb, friends. It's the only solution.


Well, I hope this gives you an idea of what to expect when you spend a little time with my mom. I'll update this manual from time to time so that you have all the up-to-date information that you need.

And, in the meantime, I'll be working on my next project . . .

Nora: The Pocket Translator - The Everything-You-Need-Guide To Understand What the Heck She's Saying . . .

4 comments:

Nora said...

Anyway, does anyone want to go to a show in Dallas? I'll pay. We'll be able to spend the night AND use their bathroom. Such a deal!

Anonymous said...

I thought about the one sip(must be first sip) eccentricity during "part-one". I'm glad it made it in the manual, I feel it's important. orgoea

Janice Thompson said...

She sounds like a blast. My mom is new in town and could use a friend. Can we rent your mom for this purpose? Sort of a "friend-rental" deal?

jessica wilson said...

hilarious catherine! i love it!