Thursday, January 21, 2010

You. Me. Outside. Now.

I'm not a violent person, I promise. I really have a long fuse - it takes a long time for me to get mad about stuff. Spill red wine on my carpet? No problem - that doesn't bother me a bit. Back into my car? That okay! That's why we have insurance. Break something valuable of mine on accident? No worries - quit beating yourself up about it.

I really don't get my feathers ruffled that easily.

But there are some people who make me want to beat them up. Make me want to lose my ever-loving mind and pummel their faces in. They evoke the most irrational responses from me and I don't know why. But I DO know that it's not my fault - it's theirs.

I'm sure you find them as maddening as I do . . .

1. People who get on the highway going 30 mph. Seriously? Is this a joke? Are you trying to get me killed by that 18-wheeler that's driving up my butt right now? Why are you getting on the highway at all?? You are clearly not up to the challenge. Stay on the service road, friend. Or get ready for a beat-down.

2. The person who invented the water faucet that requires you to push the knob down every 10 seconds to keep the water flowing. This is the WORST product design EVER. Who approved the patent for that thing?? You can't wash your hands without getting soap and water all over the place and it really ticks me off. I'd like to meet the inventor in a dark alley and have a word.

3. The person who made the decision to replace paper towel dispensers with the hand dryers in the bathroom at my movie theater. They are USELESS. When my hands are still dripping after 10 minutes, I give up and wipe my hands on my jeans. When I leave the bathroom with wet hand prints on my pants, I take it personally. And want to hunt somebody down.

4. People who park so close to me that I can't open my door when I get back to my car. I've actually had to crawl over into the driver's seat from the passenger's side because of someone like that. Unbelievable. I think I should be allowed to run my front bumper along the side of their car as I'm backing out. I think it's only fair. If that were the law, there would be a lot more people thinking twice before leaving a bad park job.

5. People who don't say thank you when you hold the door open for them. Man that really gets me mad. And sometimes it's whole families that stroll through without so much as a smile or even EYE CONTACT. Rational people might just find themselves a little put out by the lack of gratitude. Or perhaps they might say quietly, but sarcastically, "You're welcome." Not me. I want to follow them, yelling "Excuse me - I wasn't aware that I was made your servant. When I woke this morning, I wasn't aware that I had been indentured overnight. My apologies. Please, can I open your car door for you? Or get you something to drink? Perhaps pick your cleaning up for you? You stupid son of a . . ."

But I digress . . .

Clearly I have some issues to work through here. But I know you agree with me. Sure maybe you're not as irrational about it. Maybe you aren't driven to the point of homicidal insanity by it. Maybe you don't have violent gut reactions that should possibly be reported to the authorities. But you agree that these people are a maddening bunch. Right? Oh - before you answer, I should tell you about my sixth group . . .

6. People who don't agree with me on this.

I'm sorry . . . were you about to say something?


Emma said...

Preach it, sistah!!! I can't even put them in order of importance.....they are all equally IRRITATING!!! :)

Jill said...

I agree! I agree! Please don't hurt me.

Anonymous said...

Well Catherine, Maybe the person going 30 miles an hour is running out of gas and can't go any faster. The reason that faucet was invented was to save on water. Let's not be wasteful. And you weren't really opening that door so they would say thank you did you? What are your real motives for opening doors for people? Just don't do it anymore and teach the world a lesson. Give you 10 dollars if you can figure out who this is.......muhaha

Phyllis Eddings said...

I totally agree with you. And Anonymous misses the point. Motives aren't the problem.

I hate the way people aren't as friendly around here as they used to be. I was born and raised in the South, and people say hi to each other. That's what they're supposed to do. It makes ME mad when I'm all friendly and people either ignore me, or worse, look at me as if I've offended them. And it appears to be younger people who do this more and more, as if we've neglected to pass on an important part of our culture.

Jill said...

I think Anonymous was being silly?