Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Nothing.

I don't know what to write about tonight. I've been sitting around for hours trying to think of something and I just can't come up with a single topic worthy of exploration.

I thought that maybe I'd write about how I drive around thinking things like, of all the words in the English vocabulary, the one word I'd never want anyone to use to describe me is "husky." That's a horrible word. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Call me homely, call me annoying, call me an idiot and I might excuse myself to go have a good cry in the bathroom. But call me husky and I'll stuff you in my trunk and then go drive off a cliff. I know it's rash but that's a hateful word and must be met with swift consequences.

But I don't want to alarm people by threatening them with an untimely death in my trunk so I kept brainstorming. I considered writing about how I don't understand the expression "happy as a clam." My sister Tammy used it today and I realized that I don't really know what that means. I mean, are clams supposed to be happy? Has this been verified? Is this the best example of happiness in nature that we can come up with? What about "happy as butterflies?" They seem happy - always flitting about and whatnot. But a clam? It just lies there in a slimy heap. I don't get it.

And I could even write about how driving around thinking about the expression "happy as a clam" made me think about the expression "I'm gonna rip you a new one" and how that doesn't really make any sense to me, either. It seems an odd threat to make and one that would be hard to achieve. I mean "I'm gonna break your jaw" - that's easily accomplished. "I'm gonna re-arrange your face" - totally believable and easily done. But "ripping me a new one" seems like it might be harder to do - it would require some maneuvering, some fine motor skills, and, frankly, some unpleasant moments for the ripper. And, in the end (no pun intended), are you really punishing me or just making things more efficient for me? It's something to think about.

But I don't want to write about all the random thoughts I have while I'm driving around because that might scare people who might later see me on the road and wonder if I'm paying attention to what I'm doing or if I'm thinking about things like how I want to try to use the word "chillax" more. They might not understand that I can easily pay attention to the traffic around me while pondering whether I'm too old to pull off sentences like "Chillaaaaaaaaaax - it's aaaaaaaaalll goooooood." And if people will find that hard to understand, then I probably shouldn't write about it.

So I guess I just won't write about anything.

7 comments:

Nora said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nora said...

Boy, I've thought about the same things - especially "rip you a new one". Clearly ripping someone a new one is not a one angry person job. I mean let's face it. If you are going to rip me a new one you better bring some help. On the other hand, how do you defend against it. It's not like you can put your fists up like a boxer or start kicking out like the Karate Kid. The only thing you could effectively do is sit down - hard! Hmmm.....These are definitely things to ponder while driving - and sitting.

Anonymous said...

1) A clam is happy because all you see is the clam's big "smile" where the shells come together. Got it?
2) Ripping you a new one would "make things more efficient" for you?? I don't think so. Remember, the ripper isn't ripping yours BIGGER, thereby increasing effiency. He/She is ripping you a NEW one, thereby creating new turns, bends, confusion and friction loss.
(BTW, "thereby" is a very underused word)

Catherine said...

Ahhhhh - the happy smile . . . I get it now. I still think it's a stupid expression, though. :) And I agree - "thereby" is too underused . . . Let us both agree to use it more in 2010! :)

Erin said...

Catchy that was hilarious. Who knew writing about nothing could be so fun? Mom, your comment made me literally laugh out loud. So true, I mean...how DO you map out your defense strategy? Hope that it happens right after you finish eating Mexican food?

I also don't like the expression, "make no bones about it". Idontgetit. Oh and really shouldn't "quite a few", be "quite a many"? what? I'm just sayin....

Diana said...

This reminds me of the silly threats my mother used to use on me. She used to tell me she was going to knock my teeth down my throat. NOT that my mother is violent in any way. My friend Kim's mother used to tell her she was going to rip her arm off and beat her over the head with it. Really? If I become a parent I wonder what wonderful threats I will come up with in the heat of the moment. BTW, I never did have any of my teeth knocked out. Loved the Nothing blog Catch!

The Queen of my Domain said...

Another great one, Catch!! I love your musings!