Thursday, January 14, 2010


I had trial this week and, as is common during our trials, I had to talk about body parts and bodily functions that I don't usually discuss at all, much less in front of a courtroom of people. That is one of the more challenging aspects of my job but I manage to do it by reminding myself that I am a mature 34 year old woman and I can handle it.

But that's a lie.

I'm totally immature. Sure, I look down my nose at people who think farting or mooning is funny but that does not a mature person make. No - when it comes down to it, I am junior high student in the body of a grown-up. And I think you should know this about me. Allow me to give you specifics . . .

1. I have to try hard not to smile when people talk about Shi Tzus. Seriously, I could never own one because if people asked me "What kind of dog is that?" I would say "Shi Tzu" and then awkwardly stifle a laugh.

2. On that same note . . . When I first saw the words "shiitake mushroom" on a menu, I thought it said "shitcake mushroom." I wasn't sure what kind of mushroom that was, exactly, but I thought it seemed like they could come up with a better name than "shitcake." I mean, really ANYTHING would be better than that. I soon realized my mistake but, to this day, I giggle when I see them on a menu. And I can't eat them . . .

3. I could never live in Phuket, Thailand. Unless I could call it "Phreakit, Thailand." Otherwise, I would be too embarrassed to tell anyone where I lived. I'd end up having conversations like this:

Me: You should come visit me sometime!
Friend: Oh, I'd love to! Where exactly are you living these days?
Me: [Oh crap.] Ummmm . . . in Thailand.
Friend: Oh, really? Where in Thailand.
Me: Just in Thailand.
Friend: But like what city?
Me: [What if I just spell it for him?] Ummmm . . . P-H . . . You know it's not really a great place to visit.
Friend: Oh really? Where is it?
Me: [Wow. He's a relentless son of a . . .] I think I'm about to move - you should come visit me AFTER the move, instead.
Friend: Okay. But where are you now?
Me: Who are you? Columbo? Why do you keep pressing me to tell you where I live? This is creepy. When did you become such a stalker?

So, you see, living there would just make me lose friends. And what if they have a traditional song that goes: "Oh Phuket, Oh Phuket . . ."? I couldn't sing it. I'm not mature enough.

(and, yes - I know that's not how you really pronounce it but STILL . . .)

4. I love Cheetos and it breaks my heart when I eat them in public and can't suck all the cheese off my fingers. I mean, that's the best part. Wiping my cheesy Cheetos fingers on a napkin is straight up sacrilege. But I have to do it so that people won't think I'm white trash. Or 5.

5. The other day I was at a store and a midget was running the register. As he rang me up, I was sweaty and dry-mouthed because I was so afraid I'd say something like "Oh, I'll use my debit card because I'm a little short on change." or "Wow, that's a tall order to fill." I wouldn't do it intentionally, of course - it would just happen. Then I'd be tripping all over myself to try to not be awkward about it which would, no doubt, result in me blurting out something like: "Well, I gotta go! I'm a little short on time!" I'm giggling nervously now just THINKING about it. That's not mature.

6. When I'm drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper, I'll call one of my nieces or nephews over under the pretense of wanting to tell them a secret. And then, instead of telling them the promised secret, I burp in their ears. You know you're immature when an 8 year old gives you a disapproving look and says "Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatchy . . ."

7. When kids want me to color with them, I gladly do it. But when they lose interest after 5 minutes and run off to play, I stay there on the floor coloring away. Like for a good 45 minutes. Then I sign my artwork so that no one gives one of the kids credit for my perfect coloring job.

8. I know the right way to pull the tickets out of the Skee Ball machine so that you get WAY more tickets than you really won. And I do it every time. There's a real skill to it - you have to apply JUST the right amount of pressure in JUST the right spot and pull at JUST the right angle or you mess it up. I think at some point you're supposed to grow out of that behavior but I haven't. I do it and then run to tell my sisters "I got EIGHT extra tickets outta that machine!"

9. I buy electronics based on how pretty they are. My TV? Couldn't tell you any of the specs, just that it's pretty. My camera? No idea what features it has but it was the prettiest one in all of Best Buy. I'm really too old to do that. But I can't help it - they're so preeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty . . .

10. If someone falls or trips in front of me, I can't help but laugh. I want to be the concerned passerby who can aid them with a straight face but, try as I may to be that person, I just get reduced to giggles. One minute I'm a mature person having a conversation about the state of the economy and the next, I'm giggling uncontrollably. I'll try to stop but I'll just keep replaying the whole scene in my head and it will just get funnier and funnier until I'm hysterical with laughter and doing the pee pee dance.

So there you have it - my confession. I hope that you won't judge me too much now that you have these insights into my soul. And now that you know this about me, I have just one question for you . . .

Wanna go eat Cheetos and watch people fall at the ice rink with me????


Emma said...

Too funny!! I loved the Phuket....strictly because of the 'phreakit' comment!!! That cracked me up!

And I think the Cheetohs dilemma is a universal one!

Phyllis Eddings said...

I had to re-read the Phuket one, because I couldn't figure out what was so bad about "Poo-ket", which is, I understand, how it's pronounced. I thought it was just a furthering of the shi-tzu joke.

Then I read it shortening the "u" sound and figured out the problem.

Anonymous said...

I win that bet!

Anonymous said...

omg...number 7. still laughing at that. that is SOOOO ME. down to the signing it and everything!! they say you shouldn't do that when you are coloring with kids because it will make them less confident about theirs. but i'd rather pay for therapy later!!!

the phuket was hilarious too. I'm with tammy..the phreakit was HILARIOUS!!!! I agree...even though you know how to pronounce it, the spelling would always be there in the back of your mind!!!

Emma said...

My family is sooooo funny!! I love it!!!!