Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A disorienting discussion.

My mom recently had a pool put in her backyard for my nieces and nephew to enjoy. Even though she taught us all how to swim when we were kids, my mom can't swim and constantly worries about the kids drowning in her new pool. So when she was designing her pool, she decided that she didn't want it to be any deeper than 5 feet so that, in the event she needed to jump in and save all the kids, she could do so standing up. These are the kinds of things my mom spends time thinking about. And, since she loves anything morbid, this is a favorite conversation topic of hers.

This weekend, my mom, sisters, brother-in-law, and I had lunch with Jill and her mom at The Cheesecake factory. While we were eating, Jill told us about how one of our friends (Bryan Leuenberger) fell into his pool this weekend while he was trying to reach for something. The problem was that he fell in on the coldest morning we've had so far - the temperature was in the 20s - so it was a bad situation. He ran into the house but, because their pipes had burst during the freeze, he had no hot water to help warm him up so he just had to bundle up to try to get his body temperature back down. It was, as you can imagine, a pretty miserable experience and quite a scare. As we were talking about this, my mom piped in:

Mom: You know what would have happened to me if I had fallen into my pool like that?
Jill: What?
Mom: I would drown.
[chuckles all around waiting for the punchline . . .]
Me: No you wouldn't - your pool is like 3 feet deep.
Mom: But I don't know how to swim.
Me: Well, you wouldn't need to swim. You would just stand up.
Mom: No - I would be disoriented and I wouldn't know which way was up or down.
Me: Mom. Even if you fell in at the deep end, you'd be in only 5 feet of water. All you would have to do is stand up. You're like 5'8". You're not gonna get disoriented in 5 feet of water.
Mom: Yes, I would. Because I wouldn't want to open my eyes under water so I wouldn't know where up was.
Me: Well, then you'd deserve to die. And I would blog about it and call my post "Nora's Final Joke."
Erin: Mom, you're saying you'd get DISORIENTED in 3 feet of water?
Mom: You laugh but it happens to people all the time.
Erin: Ummmmm . . . no it doesn't.
Jill: It happens to people when they are out swimming the middle of the SEA at NIGHT and they are under water and can't tell which way is up and which way is down because there's no sun to help them.
Mom: No. It's not just in those kinds of cases. You're telling me people don't get disoriented if they fall into a pool?
Me: Not if they haven't been hit over the head with a crowbar immediately beforehand . . .
Mom: Well, it happened to John Kennedy.
Erin: Well, he got shot in the face. I'd be disoriented, too - "Am I up? Am I down? Where's the back of my head?"
Mom: No - I mean John, Jr.
Me: Oh my gosh. Seriously? He was flying at night and went into a spin so he couldn't see or feel if he was flying up or down. Again, no sun to guide him. And not in a 5 foot pool.
Mom: Look, I'm just saying that I'd fall in and I would just thrash around. And I wouldn't know what to do. And then I'd drown.
Tammy: No, you'd thrash around and your feet would hit the bottom and you'd stand up.
Me: Or you'd start swimming down and hit the cement floor in .4 seconds - you know, because it's FIIIIIIIVE FEEEEEET - and then you'd know that you needed to go in the opposite direction.
Jill: Or you'd just look to see where the sun was . . .
Mom: But I wouldn't open my eyes under water.
Me: If your life depended on it, you wouldn't open your eyes under water??
Mom: [looking at US like WE'RE all crazy] No way.
Me: Well, I think we should just go put a blind fold on you, spin you around 40 times and then throw you in and see how you do . . .
Mom: Look - if I fell in, it would be a shock to my system and my heaaaaaaaaaaaart would slow down and my braaaaaaaaaaaain would slow down and -

And then we were all shouting out our best slow brain one-liners and cracking each other up.

Tonight, my mom and I had dinner with a friend of ours named Vicki. My mom wanted me to tell Vicki the story about how Bryan Leuenberger had fallen into his pool this weekend. So, in true Nora fashion, she said "Tell Vicki what happened to Shaughnessy . . ."

This is what I deal with . . .


Phyllis Eddings said...

People float. That's all she needs to know. Until her lungs fill up with water, and all the air has left her body, she'll float.

Unknown said...

LOL! Loved Erin's comment about where's the back of my head? Gross, but funny.

Unknown said...

Hey! I liked you mixed metaphor for today about someone saying the Woodlands Mall was "up the wazoo" today. At least if someone got mad at her and decided to "rip her a new one" she could get some shopping done. It's a win win!

Pam said...

Good effort at changing the subject Nora. I'm laughing about that conversation all over again!!! Ohhhhh Dearsie!

Jill said...

Oops. I don't know why that posted as "Pam". I'm Jill and I posted where it says "Pam". Hmmm. Crazy interweb. Of course, my mom was there too so I guess the comment could still apply.

Kristen Tribe said...

I know I haven't seen you guys in a long time, but I can totally hear this whole conversation. Hilarious!

Unknown said...

I just keep picturing mom ramming her head over and over again onto the bottom of the pool hoping that something will give in and she can swim to safety. Oh momza....


Kristen Tribe said...

Hi, Erin! :)