Friday, January 8, 2010

This is a man's job.

Tonight I discovered Reason #456 why I need to get married: covering pipes in freezing temperatures.

Look, I'm an independent woman - I am. I think women can do anything they want to. I can move my own furniture, kill my own bugs, and even replace a broken toilet handle. [pause for ooooooooos and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahs]. And you should see me with a drill . . . it's a pretty red one. But that's not important. What's important is that there are some things that I do not WANT to do. I CAN do them. I just don't WANT to.

Like traipse outside in the freezing weather to cover my pipes.

I mean, it's COLD out there, people! It's LITERALLY freezing (please note the correct usage of the word "literally" . . .). You have to understand that I grew up with a dad who would go start my mom's car on cold mornings so that she wouldn't have to get into a cold car. If she had to get out in the cold, he didn't want her to have to freeze her butt off in the process. And he did that for me, too, when I lived at home. So, as you can imagine, I certainly didn't grow up having to do outdoor chores in this weather. And I did NOT want to have to start doing them today.

But I did. I went out there to take care of my pipes even though I had absolutely NO idea what I was doing. None. Zero. (see above paragraph). And I discovered that I'm embarrassingly bad at it. Let me show you.

Here is my neighbor's pipe:
Nice and pretty. It's like he had a designer design a pipe cover for him. Or maybe he picked one up from the Martha Stewart line at Home Depot? Either way - it's snazzy. Classy. And looks like it was a cinch to put on.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then here's mine:
Stop laughing.

Look - it was dark. I was cold. I could barely see. I could tell I'd done a bad job but, believe me, I was as shocked as you are when my camera's flash showed me the extent of what I'd done.

As I stood out there in the cold tonight looking at my handiwork, I had to swallow my pride and admit something to myself . . . I have a little white trash in me. I was fairly horrified by this epiphany. I don't know why it took me by surprise, given my past:

But it did.

So covering pipes is another reason for needing a man in the house. Not the kind of man I don't KNOW is in the house until he jumps out of my closet - that's not the kind of man I'm talking about (although, beggars can't be choosers, right? Wink wink, nudge nudge . . .). No, I need the kind of man who knows things like "We can just get a Martha Stewart pipe cover." That would be so helpful.

But that's just reason #456. What are the other reasons, you ask?

Well #345 is "Getting the butts of broken light bulbs out of the light socket." That terrifies me. #198 is "Catching lizards that find their way into my house." I'm not touching anything that can make its skin change colors. #86 is "Going up in the attic." Sometimes I hear squirrels up in my attic so I don't ever go up there. There's no way I'm going head first into a place where a wild animal might fly at me in full-on attack mode.

And #275 is "Opening difficult packages." Not sure what I mean by that? Okay - let me explain. Tonight I wanted to open up a fancy schmancy HD SD card that my mom got me for my new camera. It looks like this:

There is no opening in the package for you to get the card out: no perforated section in the back that allows you to pop the card out, no opening on the sides where you can pull the front and back apart, not even a "tear here" like my ketchup packages give me. So I just started to try to rip into it:
No luck. But I didn't give up. I kept trying, telling myself with a patient tone: "It'll come apart if I just keep at it." But it didn't. That's when I got angry and the ripping, shredding, and cussing under my breath started:

Still no luck. So then I got the scissors and, with a crazed look in my eye, attacked the packaging until I finally (and not EASILY) got the dang card out.

So see? I need a man in the house.

Well, I'm off to bed (which, incidentally, is the #1 reason I need a man in the house . . .) and am hoping that I can sleep through the night without being awakened by the sounds of my pipes bursting or my neighbor laughing at my wrap job when he leaves for work.

Wish me luck!


Unknown said...

OMG! Been there - done that with opening packages! As I was scrolling down watching you trying everything to get that package open I was thinking that you were actually very patient. I think long before you finally got it open I would have gotten a hammer, a saw, a stick of dynamite!! I wouldn't even have cared what was in the package at that point!!!!! Yikes!

Phyllis Eddings said...

You are my hero Catherine! While my pipe might look a tad prettier, yours is probably more effective. All I did was wrap a towel around it. No Taping, no tying it down. The towels are probably lying on the ground under the faucet after all that wind!

Fortunately, I do have daughters who aren't squeamish about lizards, and I've killed my share of backyard copperheads. Oh, and that's another use for having cats. They keep the bug population down. LOL

Jill said...

I, like your mom, hate a cold tushy in my car in freezing temps. That is exactly why I paid for the upgrade in my car that allows me to start it with a remote from the coziness of my home. It starts the heater AND warms the seats. Totally spoiled. Totally worth it.

Emma said...

Hysterical! Loved #1 reason....and the picture of your pipe wrapping was priceless!

Leslie said...

you can buy foam covers at Lowes or HD that just pop over your pipes.
For the broken bulbs, unplug the lamp, cut a potato in half, shove it on the broken bulb and twist. There is also an opener you can buy at WalMart to open those difficult packages. :)

Jill said...

I don't know Leslie, but I'm loving her. Potato? Seriously?

And how did I miss commenting on that awesome picture of you? I'm still cracking up!

Leslie said...

yep it's true!

And just to let you know, after I posted this comment, the one pipe that we forgot about in our backyard, broke. Awesome.