This I shall resolve . . .

I don't really do New Year's resolutions anymore because I ran out of creative ideas. I mean, I did all the usual ones that EVERYONE does: lose a ton of weight, stop drinking Cokes, eat better, stalk Mike Rowe and have his babies . . . blah blah blah. You know, the normal ones. But that gets boring after a while so I stopped doing that and started, instead, to name the year in a way that would create a goal for me work on for the next 12 months. For example: "The Year of Home Improvement" or "The Year of Self Improvement" or "The Year of Marital Status Improvement" . . . you get the idea. But now I'm tired of that method, too.

So I think this year, I'm going to make my New Year's resolution a political one - something that has the potential to really impact future generations and leave an indelible mark on the country: I'm going to fight tirelessly to have the 3rd Amendment to the United States Constitution repealed. Don't remember what the 3rd Amendment is? Let me refresh your memory:

"No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner prescribed by law."

If you can look past the comma splices (I know it's difficult) and look to the substance of this poorly thought-out law, I know you'll find yourself asking the same question I asked myself:

Who's bright idea was it to keep soldiers out of my house?

If the government wants to force me to house soldiers, I think it should be able to. I mean, who am I to say "No, Mr. Soldier with your bulging biceps and your training in hand-to-hand combat which I find strangely attractive, you cannot sleep in my house with me. You cannot be here in the evenings so I can just HAPPEN to make candlelight dinners that we can both enjoy. And I don't care how perfectly that camo brings out the green in your eyes, you cannot lounge on the couch with me while we watch movies so that I fall asleep on your ridiculously muscular arm."?? Who am I to place those kinds of limitations on our soldiers? It's madness. And it's an affront to the people of this nation.

Mark my words, friends - 2010 will mark the fall of the 3rd Amendment and its resulting injustices.

Look, it's either that or E-Harmony. Soooooooo . . .

DOWN WITH THE 3RD AMENDMENT!!!

Happy New Year's, friends!!