Thursday, February 4, 2010

Put down the spatula and no one gets hurt.

As many of you know, I deal with sex offenders in my job. We have to take their depositions before we go to trial and, in a deposition, we ask lots of questions and get all kinds of strange answers. Recently, I went to a deposition that had lots of little golden moments that I thought I might share with you all, along with the things that were going through my head at the time. Enjoy!

Brotherly love:
Q. Have you ever had sex with your sister?
A. [Purses lips, narrows eyes, and stares up at the ceiling as if trying to think REALLY hard . . .] No. I don't think so.

You know - if ever there was a question that you should be able to readily answer with an emphatic "NO", THAT would be it.

Okay. Now it's personal:
Q. Have you ever sold drugs?
A. Yes.
Q. Who did you sell drugs to?
A. Just some of my friends.
Q. How old were those friends?
A. 20, 23, 30s - old. Elderly.

Ummmmmm . . . did he just say 30s was "elderly?" Okay, let me at him. No, seriously - I'm gonna punch his face in.

HIGHly confusing:
Q. [About how he knew he'd be able to refrain from drug usage once released from prison]
A. Because I have no desire to get high. I mean, don't get me wrong - with all this stress in here, I want to get to high.

Wait . . . what? [Looking around for help understanding.] What was . . . did you under- . . . huh?

Come again?
A. I was on the outskirts of the down side. Know what I'm sayin'?

No . . . actually . . . I . . . I . . . have NO idea what you're saying . . .

Multi-purpose utensil:
Q. [About a fight he had had at one of his jobs.]
A. He slapped me with a spatula.

I'm sorry. Did he just say "slapped me with a spatula?" Wow. That is the ULTIMATE b---h slap. Please, please, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE tell us you got back at him with a retaliatory whisking . . .

I know I've said it a million times but . . . I LOVE MY JOB!!

And I have a new respect for my spatula . . .


Emma said...

Omg! Love the sister one & your b---h slap comment!!! Cracking up!!! And whatever the outskirts thing was....I'm totally using it!!

Unknown said...

This made me laugh so hard I was wheezing! My favorite was the suggestion of retaliatory whisking!!!