Friday, February 12, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

I love Valentine's Day. I really do. I know many of my fellow singles hate it and, indeed, make conversations about the holiday fairly awkward with comments like "Valentine's Sucks" or "Yeah - thanks for reminding me that I'm single" or "You can shove your chocolates up your -" But I digress . . .

My point is that Valentine's is really a fun day whether you're single or in a relationship. I mean, what is there NOT to love about it? It's a day of love. It's a day of chocolates. It's a day of wearing RED, which is my favorite color. And it's a day of eating ridiculous amounts of candy without people judging you. Yes, I love everything about it.

Well, not EVERYTHING. I do have one problem with Valentine's . . . the conversation hearts. I love to eat them (the SweetTart ones - not the old-school mint/chalk ones) and I love the idea behind them - that you can give this little candy to someone and it will sum up what you want to say to that person. The only problem is that, since I AM single, the messages on the little hearts don't really help me express myself to the people around me. If I hand out "UR Hot" or "Be Mine" candies to people, I could end up having to have some very awkward "Define the Relationship" talks. And no one wants that.

So I think the solution is to create my own line of conversation hearts for singles. And my candies would tackle the real issues singles face . . .

First, I would just have a heart that says "Happy Valentine's Day!" - you know, something pretty generic that can be handed out to everyone you know. But on the back of those hearts, I would etch in "Notice I didn't say ValenTIME's." Granted, the heart would have to be over-sized so that all the words fit on it but it would be worth it - it's a message that must be spread. Seriously - why are people pronouncing it that way? Why? It's so distressing. And maddening - nay . . . infuriating. I mean, have they never seen it spelled out? Do they not see that there is no M in the entire word? And then there are the people who say "Balentime's," which is particularly mind-boggling and actually makes capillaries in my brain burst. Is this how they learned to say it as kids? Are they still saying "Pasghetti?" People need to be educated. And my conversation hearts would be up to the task.

My hearts would also handle the whole "I like you but you don't know that I do" situation. For instance, I have a crush on my yard guy Gustavo or, as my mom calls him, "Geraldo." I think he's super cute but don't get to see him that often because he usually does the yard when I'm at work. But every once in a while he shows up when I am working at home and I get SO excited. And, like every healthy single girl, I run upstairs and spy on him through the upstairs windows. Is that creepy? Perhaps. But what else am I supposed to do? Run out and yell "Mi Amor!" and then hand him a check for the yard work? No - a single girl like me just needs the right conversation heart to express her true feelings. So in the Catherine Palmore line of conversation heart candies, you would find hearts with Gustavo-inspired messages like "Creepy 4 U!" or "I C U" or "Look up."

I'm still working on how to handle the "I like you but I'm not sure that you like me and I don't really want to be vulnerable" problem. So far, I haven't figured out how to fit "I like you but if you don't like me that's okay because I didn't really like you that much anyway and you are the last guy I would date so quit looking at me. GAH." onto a little heart. I'll have to get back to you all on that one.

Single people also have to deal with making sure that we don't send the wrong signals to the wrong people so my hearts need to tackle that issue. You know - you're sitting there with your friend, eating conversation hearts and you innocently hand him a handful without first verifying that they bear the Valentine's greeting that's most reflective of your relationship. Suddenly, you find yourself sweating profusely as he reads messages aloud like "So cute" or "UR Mine" or "Be My Luv." In such a situation, a well-written conversation heart could really save the day. So I would make sure to include hearts that say things like "Buds 4 ever" or "Hey, FRIEND" or "No chance."

We singles also have to deal with the whole dating/sizing people up scene. I think that whole process could really be made so much simpler with the right conversation heart - that would really be useful to the singles out there. Therefore, my bag of conversation hearts would include hearts that communicate the important messages: "2 kids" or "Crazy Ex" or "C Cup" or "401K?" A guy could walk up to me and hand me a grape-flavored heart that said "M.D." Then I, being impressed with the message and the yummy grape flavor, could give him my "I'll cook 4 U!" heart. But then, just to make sure I didn't come off as too eager, I could follow it up with my "I'm not EZ" heart. See? A couple of well-written hearts and we're halfway down the aisle.

It's communication made simple, friends.

And it's a nice sugar high.


Emma said...

OMG! That was priceless, hilarious! LOVED the pasghetti comment!!!!!!!!! Fabulous ideas on the conversation it!

Unknown said...

Well done Friend! I'll "literally" buy the first box of Catherine's Balentines hearts.

Phyllis Eddings said...

Thank you for addressing several issues near and dear to my heart. As always.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part was definitely the "no chance". I don't know why but that made me laugh really really hard!