Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My own personal Hell . . .

I just saw my worst nightmare - it's a show called "Dating in the Dark." Have you seen it?? It's my own personal Hell . . . it makes me uncomfortable and nervous . . . it makes me feel insecure for perfect strangers . . . it makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb . . . I LOVE IT. Allow me to tell you about it . . .

The show brings three men and three women together in a house but doesn't let the two sexes see each other; rather, the men stay together and the women stay together in separate parts of the house. The purpose of the show is to see if any of these men and women are compatible with one another before they ever see what each other looks like. It's a great idea. First, they all six meet together in the dark and start to learn each other's personalities. Then the show pairs them all up according to their level of compatibility. Once they are paired up, each couple goes back in the dark room to have a date. In the dark . . . the pitch black. We are watching the interactions with the help of night-vision cameras and we are treated to many awkward scenes. Want some examples? Ok . . .

The first couple comes into the room and the guy has a bowl of melted chocolate. His idea is for them to put their fingers in the chocolate and then put chocolate on some spot they want kissed. So the girl puts some chocolate on her neck and the guy goes in for the kiss. But they're in the dark, you see, so this is extremely awkward to watch. He bumps clumsily into her jaw, then her cheek, then her chin but doesn't find the chocolate. And she's COMPLETELY uncomfortable the whole time which makes ME uncomfortable, too. But I can't stop watching the horror. It's like I want to run from my tv and hug it all at the same time.

The second couple comes in and we see that the girl is carrying a football. She has decided that they are going to play football. Since it's completely dark in the room, they have to keep a hand on each other so that they know where they are. Understandably, this makes it difficult to play football so they end up doing this really awkward wrestling match, instead. I realize that this is a more terrible idea than the chocolate.

The third couple comes in and their date involves a "surfboard" which is really just a skateboard. The guy makes the girl get on it and then he takes the opportunity to feel around her waist to try to figure out if she's his "type" and, clueless, she just giggles away. That's when I start to hate that guy.

Then each guy prepares dinner for his girl and the girl prepares to give him a massage. I watched one of the guys trying to feed his girl in the dark and I found myself trying to direct him to her mouth. Rather than focusing on their chemistry, I'm more concerned about her getting jabbed in the nostril with the fork. This show is stressing me out. And then comes the massage part and I realize I've never known awkward before. I watch these guys lay down on their stomachs and then the girls straddle their backs and try to find the massage lotion. I mean, call me prude, but it would be awkward to massage some random guy on the second date anyway. But the thought of giving a massage to a guy I've never met in the pitch black kinda makes me want to throw up. I can hear myself now asking nervously "Oh wait - that's not your deltoid, is it?"

Yeah, no freakin' way.

After these dates, they get to see each other in the light. Each couple goes back into the room and a light shines upon the guy so that the girl can see what he looks like. Then the light goes off and another light shines upon the girl. So they don't get to see the other person's reaction - they just have to stand there in the spotlight smiling. If I was unsure before, this was the point that confirmed for me that I would be a HORRIBLE contestant on this show because I would totally start sobbing when the light was shining on me and I had no abililty to read his reaction. I mean, I was just sitting on my couch WATCHING it and I was feeling insecure. No way could I do that. I would rather go on Biggest Loser and wear spandex in front of all of America.

Then comes the worst part. If they liked what they saw, they can choose to go out onto a balcony to pursue the relationship or they can choose to walk out the front door of the house and leave the other person behind. I begin biting my nails. So the first girl (chocolate date) comes out on the balcony and waits to see if the guy is going to come out on the balcony, too. But she can also see the front door so she'll be able to see if he decides to ditch her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? My armpits are sweating profusely at this point and I'm quite sure I'm starting to hyperventilate. Luckily, the guy walks out and I release the death grip I have on my dog. The next girl (football date) comes out on the balcony and waits for her guy. She is a SUPER cute girl and has written him a card to thank him for letting her be herself. This seems strange to me but to each his own. I wasn't nervous about this one because these two were obviously attracted to each other. She's standing on the balcony waiting for him and then she sees him walk out the front door. He's ditching her. WHAT??? My chest starts itching and I realize I'm breaking out into hives. Poor thing pulls the card out from her back pocket and walks back inside. It was horrible. Then the last couple (surfboard/skateboard) meets out on the balcony and walk off happily ever after and that makes me feel worse for the poor girl who got rejected.

I swear I'll never watch this show again. And then I set my DVR to record it every week.

See, I don't want a guy to get to know me in the dark and then decide if he likes the way I look. That fills me with WAY too much anxiety and makes every one of my insecurities bubble to the surface. I want to start low and work up. If I were ever on a show where strangers had to get to know each other in unorthodox ways, this is what I'd want to do:

First date: Walking my dog on the bike path in the morning when I still have a little bedhead, my hair is dirty, and I have mascara under my eyes. If he can get past that and my morning voice, he gets a second date.

Second date: I meet him at a restaurant on a stormy night. I come in drenched - not the sexy wet look, though, but the "a car just drove threw a puddle and splashed it all over me" look - with my hair matted, mascara running down my face, and dirty water kicked up on the back of my legs. If he can see past that, I could fall in love with him.

Third date: Eating Mexican food. If he isn't intimidated by my unnatural love for fajitas, then he is the guy for me.

Then - and only then - will I massage his deltoids . . .


Emma said...

Hysterical! Your version or ideas for that show were the funniest!

Phyllis Eddings said...

A winner once again, Palmore. I flipped past this show, pausing briefly. I didn't know the premise and thought it was a blind Bachelor type show. I'm not sure which is worse.