Monday, February 28, 2011

And the nominations for Best Hosts are . . .

I watched the Oscars tonight with my mom and my sisters - that's been our tradition for a while now. We show up at my mom's with snacks, order pizza, and watch the show together. It's a lot of fun to watch the Oscars with my family because 1) we're all pretty vocal about stuff and 2) my mom and sisters are funny so they keep it entertaining.

Which is something that Anne Hathaway and James Franco did NOT do tonight . . .

Poor Anne and James - it was such an add pairing, don't you think? And Anne was trying her darndest to make it work while James, it appeared, was trying his darndest to stay high. There were some funny moments but there were also lots of awkward moments that definitely overshadowed anything good. From some of Anne Hathaway's comments, I gathered that they had been asked to host because they appealed to a younger demographic. And that's when I had what I think is the best idea EVER: My family should host the Oscars.

Now hear me out - this is a better idea than you might think. This is my proposal: put family's annual Oscars-watching party on stage. Put some mics on my mom and my sisters and I, put us on couches on-stage in our jeans and t-shirts, let us eat the snacks we brought with us, and listen to us comment and discuss as we watch the show. What would this format bring to the table? Well, it would give the viewers at home something to relate to. I mean, we don't all have sparkly gowns and rented jewelry that come with bodyguards. But we DO all have opinions and comments about the show, the fashion, and the speeches. I think it could be hilarious.

And if we'd done it this year, we'd have been able to share these priceless moments with you:

1. When Melissa Leo dropped the F-bomb the whole world could have seen my mom knitting her eyebrows, putting her hand over her heart, and asking loudly "what'd she say???" as my sisters and I tried to act like we hadn't CLEARLY read Melissa's lips. And then the viewing audience would be treated to my mom shaking her head for a good 10 minutes after that and saying things like "Well, I don't like HER anymore. I wish she hadn't won it now. What a tramp." for the next hour. Put a mic on my mom and you'd seriously reduce the amount of profanity on the stage throughout the evening . . .

2. When they played the old scores from some of the old movies, the viewers at home could have played along with my mom and sisters and I as we tried to guess which movies the songs came from. They could have yelled out "Gone With the Wind!" or "Star Wars!" or "ET!" right along with us. Of course, when my mom, who is historically bad at remembering movie names, yelled out "3rd Encounters of a Different Kind!" she'd have been on her own. But the viewing public needs to be treated to classic Nora moments like that, don't you think?

3. When James Franco made an inappropriate comment about movie titles being offensive and then named "Winter's Bone," "Rabbit Hole," and "How to Train Your Dragon," the camera could have cut to my family on-stage so that everyone could see my mom shaking her head and my sisters and I sitting perfectly straight with eyes forward and butts clenched, trying not to make eye contact with her.

4. Viewers could have heard first-hand my mom asking questions like "So . . . does it go Iron Man and THEN Iron Man 2?" I mean, how are you NOT supposed to answer that sarcastically?

5. Put mics on us and you definitely would have heard a standard Oscar-party tradition: trying to guess the winners before they're announced. I mean, how awesome would that be to hear some famous person saying "And the Oscar goes to . . ." only to be interrupted by my mom and sisters shouting out our guesses from stage left and trying to make sure that we blurt it out before the actual winner is announced?

6. Viewers at home could have seen my sisters and I curled in the fetal position during Kirk Douglas's appearance. And I daresay they would have all related to us in that moment . . .

7. My mom's mic would have picked up her saying "That's stupid." after ALMOST every speech that was given. Now maybe that would be a little harsh to broadcast in some cases. But, let's be honest, some of these people need to know that their speeches are stupid. Nothing like a dose of Nora to keep them grounded.

I know we need to iron out some of the details but I think it's a winner idea overall. I mean, I enjoy watching the Oscars but, let's be honest, it could use an infusion of reality, don't you think? A little reminder that there are actual people watching this at home in their jeans and t-shirts, eating pizza rolls, and fast-forwarding through boring acceptance speeches. I think having immediate feedback on-stage from normal people like us would be a good thing.

So I nominate my family for the job. And if the Academy likes this idea and calls me up to offer us the hosting gig, I promise I'll keep my acceptance speech short.

Otherwise my mom will think it's stupid.