Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How will I know?

As the day dawned on Valentine's Day this year, I found myself thinking -

Wait - who am I kidding? I haven't seen dawn in a LONG time. Let me try this again . . .

As my alarm went off for the 10th time on Valentine's Day this year, I found myself pondering three distinct and equally important thoughts:

1) You can never have too many pink or red shirts in your closet.
2) Candy-centric holidays make me proud to be an American.
3) Why does cupid have to use an arrow? It seems so needlessly violent.

After I spent a fair amount of time dwelling on these things, my attention turned predictably to the obvious topic of the day: LOVE.

As a single person, I get lots of advice on love from friends of mine who are married or who have otherwise found their Valentines. These friends want nothing more than to see me find someone special so they try to help by offering instructive guidance like "be yourself" or "love comes when you least expect it" or "try hiring an escort" . . . things like that. But the one piece of advice that I most often hear from my friends? "When you find the right person, you'll know."

I'll know.

Are you sure?

You see, "knowing" is the part that I think is the most stressful in this crazy search for love. How will I know? I mean, I don't want - Excuse me . . . I need to take a quick break here to sing the Whitney Houston song that just popped in my head. You can join me if you want to . . .

Okay - I'm back. As I was saying . . . How will I know? I don't want to marry just ANYONE, you know? I mean, I don't want to make the mistake of marrying a guy just because he's super hot with rock-hard abs, stands to inherit a vast fortune, and feeds the homeless on the weekends. Well . . . actually, yes I do. But other than THAT guy, I don't want to marry just ANYONE. So I decided to spend some time this Valentine's Day thinking of some things that would help me KNOW if I've found the right guy - you know, traits or personality characteristics to look for as I search for the love of my life. And after spending a good, long 10 minutes in deep thought, I came up with this list of 10 tell-tale signs of true love to help me know when I've found "the one" . . .

1) An Australian accent. This may sound a bit shallow but, let's be honest, I'd marry a total jerk if he punctuated his jerky comments to me with the word "mate." For instance . . . if a guy said to me "You're waste of space," I'd totally dump him. But if he said "You're a waste of space, mate" I'd swoon and giggle and start craving a Bloomin' Onion. I'm a sucker for that accent. And for fried onions.

2) A dual-allergy to cats and seafood. I'll tell you right now, if I ever meet a man with this combination of allergies, I'd declare him to be my soulmate and marry him on the spot. I honestly don't know that I could ever love a man enough to clean a litter box for him. Or be within 10 feet of him after he eats shrimp. So a life without cats and seafood would be delightful, thankyouverymuch.

3) Says the words "You know, I wish you'd put on a little more weight." I think the Heavens would part, a light would shine upon him, and the Hallelujah Chorus would rain down from on-high. I'd kiss him and then and there declare my undying love for him. And then I'd suggest a snack-run to Taco Bell to be followed by a Blizzard-run to Dairy Queen.

4) He's Mike Rowe. I love that man. Seriously.

5) Has never used the words "I" and "boo-hooed" together in any sentence. Do I really need to elaborate here?

6) Thinks it's sexy when a girl snorts when she laughs. I'm not sure this man actually exists but, if he does, I call dibs, okay?

7) Thinks it's sexy when a girl has no lips. Look - we can't all be Angelina Jolie, you know? Some of us are called upon to balance out the universe. But at least I haven't resorted to collagen - that's worth something, isn't it? I mean, they're 100% natural. They're just not 100% there . . .

8) His name is Gustavo and he mows my yard. Bestill mi beating corazon! I just hope I never have to choose between Gustavo and Mike Rowe . . .

9) Sends me a dozen Swiss Cake Rolls instead of a dozen roses. I seriously would not be able to adequately express my love for a man who did that. I would spend the rest of my life trying but I would fail miserably - I mean, there would just be no words to convey my feelings. In fact, I'm getting a little choked up just thinking about it . . .

10) Not frightened by a random chin hair. Look - I hate to admit it but I get the random chin hair now and again. It's not my most attractive quality but, hey - there it is. My friend Alana told me once that she'd read a quote by a lady named Janette Barber who said: "I refuse to think of them as chin hairs - I think of them as stray eyebrows." I like her way of thinking and have tried to adopt it but the fact of the matter is that they're NOT stray eyebrows - they're freakin' chin hairs. I try to stay a step ahead of them and pluck them when I see them but, at least once a month, I look in my review mirror and see one that a) I somehow missed and b) is so long that I could actually string some beads on it and wear it as an accessory. It's quite distressing. So distressing, in fact, that my best friend and I have actually made a pact that if either of us goes into a coma of some sort, the other one will make sure that no chin hairs go unplucked - these are the bonds of true friendship. So if I ever meet a man who can accidentally see a random chin hair on me and not be alarmed at the sight of it, I shall 1) run quickly to go pluck said random chin hair and 2) declare him to be the love of my life.


It's true that the search for love can be a bit scary and unnerving. But I think that, with the help of this list, my own search will be more focused and a little less daunting. I won't find myself worrying about whether I'm making the right choice. And that'll free me up to worry a little more about more important things . . .

Seriously - does cupid HAVE to use arrows?

7 comments:

Emma said...

HILARIOUS!! Loved it, Catch!!
Tammy

ellen said...

I want to get in on this random chin hair plucking pact.

Amberly and Michael Moody said...

I just love reading your stuff. You always crack me up, girl! (and I can relate to so much of what you say). I hope you're doing well...I think of you often. :)

Catherine said...

Yes, Ellen - we'll add you to the pact! We'll do the secret tweezer shake when I see you next . . .

Amberly - think of y'all a lot, too! Hope everything's going well. And thanks for reading!! :)

Anonymous said...

O....M....G. This was EPIC. I almost choked on my Russell Stover carmel (thanks mathis) when I got to the random chin hair part. Catherine...you out did yourself with this one! Absolutely freaking HILARIOUS!

Erin

Rachel said...

My mom and her sisters have a chin hair pact like that. :-)

Now, you should be thankful that you don't have to pluck chin hairs daily. Dark hair + fair skin = obvious problem.

I had a "lost" hair grow on my cheek near my ear. When I found it, I though it was an eyelash. I was horrified that it was attached to me. I was equally horrified to think how long it had been there to have grown that long! My husband swears he didn't see it. I have added that spot to my morning check.

Veronica said...

I don't genuinely LOL on many blogs that I read but the bloomin' onion and beaded chin hair accessory both KILLED me! I love your honesty and humor and am glad to know I'm not the only one suffering from random chin hairs. Except mine aren't so random any more. It's more of a constant in my life, now, unfortunately. Luckily I got my man back in the days when I was beardless and now he's stuck with me! hahaha P.S. I was send her by Jaci Hutter, who highly recommended your blog. :)