Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Nora: The Owner's Manual (Part Three)

So I wrote a while ago about how I've decided to rent my mom out for parties. I must say that the idea has been met with much enthusiasm from you all - several of you have already approached me about pricing and scheduling. I think my sisters and I will be able to retire off of this venture! But before I can rent her out, I have to finish compiling my list of instructions on what to expect and how to handle certain situations that might arise with my mom. So, to supplement the FIRST and SECOND parts of the Nora Owner's Manual, here are a few more instructions for you to keep in mind when you rent my mom:

Death and Diabetes
These are my mom's two favorite subjects and she will always bring the conversation around to one of these two topics. And she can do it seamlessly, regardless of the original topic . . . I have no idea how she does it. It's like her spiritual gift. Talking about bowling? No problem - she'll have a story about how someone was killed at the bowling alley near our house. Talking about ice cream? No problem - she'll tell you how it makes her blood sugar spike. Talking about how nice the weather is? She can turn that into a story about a murder suicide before you even know what hit you. And if you give her an opportunity to talk about someone who DIED from DIABETES, that's the ultimate achievement for her. By the time she leaves your party, you'll know about every tragic death that has occurred within a 100 mile radius of your home. But don't worry - you can always read the obituaries to cheer yourself up . . .

If you and my mom really hit it off, she might start to feel like you are like one of the family. In that case, you might get calls from her occasionally while she's out driving around. These usually involve some type of navigational question. For instance, my mom goes to Chick-Fil-A at least once a week. It's less than 5 miles from her house in a shopping center but, for some reason, she can never remember how to get there. This led to lots of calls like this:

Me: Hey, mamasita!
Mom: Hey, Catchy! I need your help.
Me: Okay - what's up?
Mom: Well, I'm trying to find Chick-Fil-A and I have no idea where it is in relation to where I am.
Me: Okay - well, where are you now?
Mom: I'm in the World Market parking lot.
Me: World Market?
Mom: Yeah.
Me: Okay. Get out of your car.
Mom: Get out of my car?
Me: Yep.
Mom: Okaaaaaay. [pause] Okay - I'm out.
Me: Are you facing World Market?
Mom: Yep.
Me: Okay - turn around.
Mom: Okaaaaaay . . .
Me: Do you see Chick-Fil-A?
Mom: Oh my goodness! There it is! It's right THERE!!
Me: Crazy how that happens, huh?
Mom: Well, it sure is!

After that I programmed the Chick-Fil-A into her navigation system . . .

You may also get phone calls about issues she's having with her car. She's actually really good about figuring that type of stuff out for herself but EVERY once in a while she can come up with a doozie for ya. So, if you're REALLY lucky and play your cards right, perhaps you can get a call like this, too:

Me: Hey, mom! Are you on your way to Dallas?
Mom: Yeah. But I'm so frustrated.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because my cruise control isn't working.
Me: It's not?? Are you sure? It was working the other day when I used your car.
Mom: Well, it's not now. I keep going up to 70 and then taking my foot off the pedal but then the car just slows down.
Me: Okaaaaaaay . . . this is awkward . . . ummmmm . . . did you turn the cruise control on?
Me: Well . . . yeah.
Mom: Oh. Well . . . I have no idea how to do THAT.
Me: Okay. Well, there's a button on your turn signal. Do you see that?
Mom: Yeah.
Me: Okay, turn it to "On."
Mom: Okaaaaaaay . . .
Me: Now go up to 70 mph.
Mom: Okay.
Me: And then there's a button that you can push that's at the very tip of your turn signal. Push that.
Mom: Okaaaaaaay . . .
Me: Now take your foot off the gas pedal.
Mom: Well, sure enough! It's working!
Me: Yay!
Mom: You fixed it!
Me: Well, not real-
Mom: Oh I'm so relieved! My leg was getting soooooooo tired.
Me: Really? How far are you?
Mom: I'm in Willis.
Me: [pause while I laugh hysterically] Mom - you've only been on the road 20 minutes! How on EARTH is your leg tired already?
Mom: [ignoring me] Now I wish there was some way I could get my car to steer itself. My arm is REALLY tired . . .
Me: Oh good Lord . . .

The good news, though, is we pay YOU to field this type of call . . .

I'm doing this for you, friends. Because I want you to get the most out of your Nora Rental experience. I want you to have all the information you need when she shows up on your doorstep for your big party.

Of course, I'm gonna need your address well in advance so that I can get it programmed into her navigation system for her. And also because she'll want to do some research on recent deaths in your neighborhood so that she can come prepared with some light conversation material.

It's just one of the many services we offer . . .


Phyllis Eddings said...

Hey, if she ever does find a car that will steer itself, please let me know. That drive to Dallas is a killer for the arms. I'm going to Denton to see Becca this weekend, and I'm going by way of Waco to pick up Sarah so SHE can drive the rest of the way!