Monday, October 11, 2010

Happy Columbus Day!!!

Thank goodness for Christopher Columbus, riiiiiiiiiight? I'm so glad that he discovered America so that I could one day be born here AND, as an added bonus, get a day off of work. I sure do love that guy! But, you know what? If I'm being totally honest with y'all, I'd have to admit that sometimes I get a little jealous that he gets all these accolades and has places named after him and has his own holiday and blah blah blah. I mean, it's not like he's the ONLY one who has discovered things. I've discovered a lot of cool things in my life but you don't see Catchy Day on your calendar, do you?

And I don't think that's fair.

Sure - it's true that I have not discovered a new country but that doesn't mean that my discoveries aren't equally important to mankind . . .

For instance, I recently had a midnight snack moment that changed my life. I was watching TV late at night and suddenly started craving something sweet and salty. I rummaged around in my pantry but all I could find was a bag of pretzels. I ate a few pretzels but they just weren't cutting it for me - I needed a sweet element. So I opened the freezer and saw a pint of Dulce de Leche ice cream that someone had brought over. I opened up the pint and decided to use a pretzel as my spoon. That's when the life-altering moment occurred for me - the Earth stopped spinning, a light shone upon me and the hallelujah chorus rang out in my kitchen. Dulce de Leche ice cream and pretzels together?? I bet Christopher Columbus never thought of THAT.

"Catherine, a mind-blowing snack creation does not compete with the discovery of the Americas," you say. Fine. But that's not the only discovery that I have made in my lifetime - I also discovered that if I hold my elbows out in JUST the right position in my car, I can get the A/C to blow right up the sleeves of my shirt so that my whole shirt billows out and cools me down on a hot day. That was a HUGE discovery, especially for someone who has to endure summers in Houston. And there are days in July when I'm driving down the highway with my elbows out and my shirt billowing around me that I think "I bet this is how Christopher Columbus felt when he spotted land."

But I think my biggest discovery was an alternative use for ponytail holders. I have short hair so I never need to use them for their actual intended purpose but that hasn't stopped me from using them. Oh no, my friends - I have found a new use for them: to help button your jeans when you've had too many pretzels and dulce de leche ice cream.

Don't judge me.

Seriously - it's a beautiful thing. Once you loop the ponytail holder into the buttonhole, you can get another good inch to an inch and a half in the waist of your jeans. And you'd be surprised how often this comes in handy. Jeans shrunk too much in the dryer? No prob - here's a ponytail holder. Post-Thanksgiving dinner belly bulge? Take your ponytail down and put that holder to good use, girl. It's the most amazing discovery of my lifetime. Granted, it's not the same as discovering a new unsettled land, but it could have helped the Indians eradicate the muffin top.

And, still - no holiday named after ME??

What a rip off.


Kelly H. said...

Girl, You need to try stand-up comedy!