Monday, May 9, 2011

Kevin in a Bottle

I've told you about my mom's entertaining late-night phone calls to me when she was taking Ambien. I've also told you about my mom's late night Ambien-induced banana search in a hotel, whiiiiiiiiiiiiich ended her delightful run of Ambien usage. While she was taking Ambien, I was always the one she called in the middle of the night for her crazy chats and I didn't know it at the time, but Erin always secretly wished that my mom would call HER during one of her Ambien hazes. So when my mom quit taking Ambien, it hit Erin particularly hard.

Until the other night.

My mom has been really sick lately and has been taking her really strong prescription cough medicine. She's taken it a million times before and it just knocks her out into a blissful, cough-free sleep. But, for some reason, the other night it affected her in a way that it never has before. And Erin was the lucky recipient of her cough-syrup call . . .

[phone rings at 1:49 a.m.]
Erin: [flying out of bed to grab the phone]
Matt: [flying out of bed to see who died]
Erin: Mom? Is everything okay?
Mom: [in a sweet, childish voice] Hi, Erin. I was just calling to let you know that Kevin is now in charge of handing out the little pink pills. And he lets you have as many as you want - he's REEEEEEEEEAL sweet . . .
Erin: Wait . . . what?
Matt: [to Erin] Everything okay?
Erin: [giving the international sign for "she's crazy"]
Mom: [again in childish voice] Kevin's in charge of the pink pills now and I'm soooooooo glad because it's a big responsibility and it's reeeeeeeeally overwhelming.
Erin: [My mom is NOT tripping on acid. My mom is NOT tripping on acid.] Okaaaaaaay . . . does Kevin give YOU little pink pills?
Mom: Oh yes! He gives me as MANY as I want! He's REAL sweet!
Erin: Yeah, you mentioned that. Ummmm . . . did Kevin give you any pink pills TONIGHT?
Mom: [seriously] No - they're for nausea.
Erin: Oh, silly me . . .
[awkward silence]
Erin: [suddenly worried that my mom's out driving around while tripping on her cough medicine] Where are you now mom? Are you out somewhere?
Mom: [seriously] No, I'm in bed. [then like Erin's the crazy one . . .] I mean, it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning . . .

Erin finally got off the phone with my mom and found Matt in the garage smoking a cigarette, trying to calm his nerves. The next day, she called me to tell me all about Kevin and our mom's apparent hallucinations. I laughed and laughed, glad that the torch had been passed and that Erin was apparently the new recipient of our mom's late-night phone calls.

Until the next day . . .

[phone rings at 2:55 a.m.]
Me: [not startled - I'm a pro at this now . . .] Hello?
Mom: Catherine?
Me: Hi, Mom. Everything okay?
Mom: Yeah - I just wanted to tell you that Kevin does appear to be in the bottle.
Me: [Oh boy . . .] Oh really?
Mom: I was just laying here and all the Irish people were here and they were standing on my bed trying to talk to me about selling my cattle and I kept trying to tell them that I don't HAVE any cattle but they just kept trying to get me to SELL my cattle and I was getting so upset because I wanted to make them some tea but I didn't want to get out of bed because I didn't have my good pants on so I just kept LAYING there.
Me: Well, that doesn't sound very convenient.
Mom: No, it wasn't. But then Kevin came in and he told them that they all needed to get out of my room and let me get some sleep.
Me: That was nice of him.
Mom: Yeah, it was.
Me: That Kevin sounds like quite a guy.
Mom: He is. Anyway, I thought I'd tell you that he's in the bottle now.
Me: Okay. Well, I hope he's comfortable in there . . .

Erin and I both told our mom - and several hundred other people - about these phone calls so now my mom has sworn off her super-powerful cough syrup, as well as Ambien. And that's a big deal because her coughing keeps her awake at night when she's this sick. So she's a little worried about how much rest she'll get in the nights ahead. How will she fall asleep? Who knows. How will she stop coughing? No idea. But that's okay.

Kevin will know what to do.