Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A new level of awkward.

There was a time in my life - a beautiful, carefree time - when I thought that the most awkward thing I could ever do was work out to Hip Hop Abs. Oh to relive those days of blissful ignorance! But, alas, that time is no more. I have seen the truth and there is no turning back. For I have attempted Hip Hop Abs 2.

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

I'm actually still blushing from embarrassment and my workout ended 2 hours ago. But I can't help it - it was THAT bad. It started out okay - just a few jumping jacks and some hops. Nothing I can't handle because I'm super-ripped, of course. But then before I knew it we were doing the booty pop. You know, as in Beyonce's signature move.

The booty pop, y'all. THE FREAKIN' BOOTY POP.

I don't know if my booty was "popping" so much as it was apologizing. I could actually hear it giggling nervously and muttering things like "Oh my gosh - I'm sooooooooo sorry!" and "In all fairness, I'm really more into country music . . ." I'm pretty sure that I owe Beyonce some sort of monetary damages for what I did to that move. It was bad. My booty is just NOT meant to move that way . . .

So, as you can imagine, I was glad when the booty pop was over and we moved on to other moves. I convinced myself that I had seen the worst - that the rest of the workout would be a breeze. I mean, WHAT could Shaun T. throw at me that would be worse than the booty pop? Aaaaaaaand that's when we moved into the Double Dutch jump-roping section of the workout.

Okay - the joke's on me, Shaun T. Joke's on me . . .

In this part of the workout you do moves as if you were jumping double dutch. Sounds easy enough, right. I mean, there's no actual JUMP ROPE so it should be a breeze, right? Not so much. I mean, have you ever SEEN me try to jump double-dutch? It's You-Tube worthy, friends. And I'm here to tell you tonight that taking the jump rope out of the picture doesn't make it any better.

Just when I was about to give up, Shaun T. told us that we were going to be doing a move called the Washing Machine. "Finally!" I thought. "A move I'll be able to do! I know how to run a washing machine so this should be my shining moment! If only people were here to see how I dominate this move!" I was so excited. And then they started doing the Washing Machine . . . whiiiiiiiiiiile I stood motionless in my living room, staring at the TV with a confused expression, trying to figure how they were moving their hips that way without herniating their L-5s. Apparently there is a LOT of gyrating that takes place in your washing machine when you're not looking . . .

I thought about giving up after that but then I determined that I would see it through to the end. There was no way to make me feel more inadequate than I already did so what was the harm? That's when Shaun T. brought the tempo down for us to do the Ghetto Stomp.

Wow. I stand corrected. My inadequacy is limitless.

It was at that point that I threw my head back, shook my fist at the sky, and cursed my parents for not raising us in ghetto. How could they have been so selfish? But, unable to do anything about my childhood, I pushed on. I did my best to do the move but, in the end, I'm pretty sure I did a Master-planned Community Stomp. And I'm really not sure that's what Sean T. was shooting for . . .

And so begins the next phase of my workout regime. I'm really looking forward to finishing it so that I can move on to other programs with moves that are just a BIT less awkward for me. You know - something like Yoga Booty Ballet or Shakira's Belly Dance Workout.

Those sound promising . . .

4 comments:

ellen said...

Ahh, this brings back so many memories of my sad attempts to "drop it like it's hot" in my hip hop dance exercise class! I think that the next time I come to see you, we need to try these videos together and we can get a better work out laughing at each other than from the actual video!

Phyllis Eddings said...

Well, at least you attempted all this in the privacy of your own home. I hate using videos, because somehow I have trouble converting what is being done on the TV to my actual body. BUT, the problem with live classes, is the mirrors. Those d*mn mirrors that are meant to help you perfect your form, only solidify your humiliation—even if you manage to avoid comparing yourself to everyone around.

Anonymous said...

Laughing at your Master-planned Community Stomp comment! DS

Christi said...

haaaaa!!!! Now if only it were possible to really laugh your arse off, I'd do the workout called reading the catherine chronicles.