Monday, November 16, 2009

Deal Breakers

My roommate Melissa and I were just chatting tonight about being single. She was saying how she'd been listening to a radio talk show on her way home and that they were discussing singledom. Apparently the ladies on the show were saying that your best chance to find a mate is when you're in your 20s and that, after that, the odds of finding someone go down.

That made us feel all warm and fuzzy inside . . .

So Melissa and I, after a healthy dose of trash-talking about the talk-show ladies and their mothers, decided that we are going to be better about getting out there on the dating scene. You know, rather than sitting home on the weekend talking about radio talk shows about being single . . .

To help us in our quest for the future Mr. Catherine and Mr. Melissa, we decided we needed to identify our deal breakers. You know - to help us weed out the MANY suitors who will no doubt be beating down our door. This is the list we have so far - we'd love to know your thoughts and/or additions . . .

1. If you have a sticker on your car that depicts Calvin peeing on ANYTHING, we would prefer if you'd ask someone else out. I don't care what he's peeing on, either. The Chevy symbol, the University of Texas logo, or even Osama Bin Laden - it's a deal breaker.

2. In that same vein, if you have . . . ummmmmm . . . how do I say this . . . ummmmmm . . . "Buccee's Balls" (aka "TruckNutz") hanging from the tow hitch of your truck, you're out. And if one of my nieces or nephews ever points yours out to me and asks "Catchy, what is THAT?", you're dead.

3. If you own a Hooter's t-shirt . . . seriously?

4. If a middle-aged guy invites you on a date and then brings his mom and middle-aged sister along and THEN explains that they are also his roommates, that's probably a deal breaker. It might seemed far-fetched, but it DID happen to Melissa. Hmmmmmm . . . I wonder why she's staring off into space muttering "Never again. Never again."

5. If you have more than 5 pictures of yourself striking the "rocker" pose on facebook, we think you might get annoying. You know the pose I'm talking about - eyes squinted, tongue out Gene-Simmons style, and hands in the "Rock On" sign that I can never seem to get quite right and end up flashing the "Hang Loose" sign or the "Hook 'em Horns" sign or saying "I love you" in sign language. So maybe that's really why it's a deal breaker - we don't that embarrassing moment of miscommunication where we think that you've just declared your undying love for us in sign language. With your tongue out . . .

6. If you use "supposably" or "expecially" in a sentence, you won't want to go out with me anyway because I'll spend most of the evening banging my head into the corner of the table to make the pain stop. And that will just get annoying to you.

7. If you use "we was" in a sentence, I can't handle it. I can't even TRY to handle it. I will simply call you up and say nicely "Well, we WAS gonna go on a date, but now we's NOT."

8. If you don't get my family's sense of humor, then I will need to check for a pulse because I'll be convinced that you are a lobotomized zombie who has somehow infiltrated our ranks. Once I have verified that you are actually alive and just sadly devoid of humor, I'll ask you to leave. So that my family and I can talk bad about you.

9. If you prefer chin-ups over fajitas, you'll never speak my love language. So we might as well just end it now.

10. If you cry harder than we do in sad movies, we think we'll just keep looking. You know, for a GUY . . .

So that's what we have so far. I think we're being reasonable, though, don't you?? I mean, it's not too picky to have SOME standards, is it? I don't think so. But you never know - God could teach me to not be so picky and have me fall in love with a wonderful man who has a sticker of Calvin peeing on a grammar book.

No - God wouldn't do that to me . . .

Would He?

9 comments:

Nora said...

What about someone who wears black dress socks with sandals? There's a deal breaker!

ellen said...

I am laughing hysterically at #4. Poor Melissa!!!

Erin said...

HILARIOUS! oh and don't forget there are men out there who shoot snot rockets in public. SICK. ew, and I went on a first/last date once and he only got one large popcorn and one large coke to split (gross). So I was eating some of the popcorn and then i happened to look over at him and he was licking the butter off his fingers before he dug back in. GUH-ROSS. can't have one of THOSE guys either!

The Queen of my Domain said...

Hysterical!! Great! Loved it!!

Ashley Bookhout said...

You also don't want to date a guy who: is in his thirties, lives at home with his parents and his two daughters, has a breathalyzer in his truck, and a felony!!! Yeah... don't ask just take my word for it. But In my defense I thought I was being a good person by looking past all that. Thank GOD I put "Deal Breakers" into play!!!

Ms. E said...

Wow! We have the same list! LOL I especially hate the truck nuts. I always assume the guy had to go out and buy some, since he has none of his own. :-)

Anonymous said...

That's just nuts...

The Leuenberger's said...

Perfect...I'm sure Mr. Perfect has his list of "standards" too. His might be that you can't love fajitas more than him....so that could be a tough one.

Tracy said...

I expecially loved number 6. :)