Friday, December 24, 2010

Nora: The Owner's Manual (Holiday Addendum)

Yay!!!!! It's Christmas Eve!! This is my favorite day of the year, by far. Why? Because I get to open all my presents tonight, silly! Oh - and because I get to hang out with my family and treasure the time that I get to spend with them blah blah blah . . .

But Christmas Eve is not only special because I get to open presents. No - there's another reason that it's so special: IT'S MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY!!! So, in honor of her and her special day, I thought I would update my owner's manual with special holiday tips and advice that you can use if you happen to rent my mom for one of your holiday parties. I hope that some of this helps you to get to most out of your Nora experience during the holiday season . . .


Christmas Dinner . . .
If you invite my mom over to your Christmas dinner, there are a couple of things you should know. First of all, she doesn't believe in eating your Christmas dinner in shorts and flip flops. If you come downstairs wearing such attire, she will handle it directly and not at all passive aggressively by putting her hand over her heart, knitting her eyebrows, and asking you "Is THAT what you're wearing to the TABLE?" So just save yourself the trouble and make sure you show up to the table wearing something a little more presentable - jeans and a nice shirt will be just fine . . .

If you ask her to contribute something to your meal (there will be an extra charge for that, of course . . .), you should also know that she is never happy with whatever she has cooked. We have turkey and dressing every Thanksgiving and Christmas and it's the best stuff you'll EVER eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah - I'm sure yours is great, too. But my mom's is the BEST. It's actually a recipe that my dad's mom used to make but I've only ever had my mom's version so it's hers in my book. Anyway, every year my mom spends about 10 minutes of our Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner critiquing her turkey and dressing. One year she was convinced that the celery was too crunchy - we didn't agree but she wouldn't listen to us. So the next year, she decided to steam the celery before she put it in the dressing so that it wouldn't be so crunchy. She was so proud of herself for thinking of that idea and she kept talking about how she hoped it helped. That's when my sisters and I decided to play a trick on her: we each got a piece of raw celery in our hands just before we sat down for dinner and we planned to all crunch down on our raw celery at the same time so it would make a big crunch sound. Then we were going to all look at my mom and say that the celery seemed a little crunchy still. It was hilarious . . . in our heads.

So we sat down at the table and got ready for what would surely be the most hilarious holiday prank EVER. We each got our serving of turkey and dressing, discreetly popped our raw celery in our mouths, and crunched down at the same time. My mom heard the big "CRUNCH" and snapped her head up and looked at us with an "Oh no!" face. We were all staring back at her with big eyes and hands over our mouths and were JUST about to really sell it with little comments like "I don't think the steaming worked" or "No, I don't think the celery is too crunchy at all, Mom." But we never got to do that because my mom burst into tears. ACTUAL tears. Who knew celery was such an emotionally-charged vegetable?

We all felt HORRIBLE and tripped all over ourselves trying to show her our raw celery so that she'd see it was just a joke - a terrible, terrible joke. She finally re-gained her composure . . . but she did NOT tell us how hilarious we were. So the moral of this story is: if you invite my mom over for dinner, be prepared for her to offer an exhaustive critique of everything she didn't do right with her recipe and remember that celery is no laughing matter . . .


Christmas Eve . . .
We open our Christmas presents on Christmas Eve in my family so, if you happen to stop by for a visit after about 6ish on Christmas Eve, you'll find us knee deep in gift wrap. Of course, you'd be welcome to stay and hang out with us - in fact, we'd insist on it. Unfortunately, there wouldn't be any gifts under the tree for you . . . uuuuuuuuunless you had mentioned to my mom that you might stop by. In that case, my mom will have at least 4 or 5 gifts for you to open. They might be something as random as a funny little stocking-stuffer that she saw or a Sam's-size box of your favorite candy bars. So do me a favor and tell her you're going to stop by, even if you're not. And tell her that you really love Swiss Cake Rolls . . .


Cheese popcorn . . .

In the event you decide to invite my mom to one of your holiday parties, you should know that she gets cheese popcorn for Christmas every year . . . and she eats the heck out of it. "Why does this affect my Christmas party, Catherine?" you ask. Well, I'll tell you: for about 2 weeks after Christmas, her fingers and fingernails are stained orange from the the "cheese" on the popcorn. And it doesnt' come off - I'm pretty sure even bleach would have to admit defeat. It's SUPER classy. So if you wanted to, say, introduce her to your boss at your party, you might want to rent a sand blaster or buy her a pair of gloves for the evening. Or you may want to have an explanation prepared, like "This is Nora. She was recently diagnosed with jaundice in the fingers on her right hand - it's a very rare condition." Something like that. Or you can just wait and invite her to your Valentine's party - they should be a normal flesh-color again by that time . . .


Christmas Presents . . .
If you and my mom decide you are going to exchange gifts, you should know that she is a very generous gift-giver. Every Christmas, past and present, the presents are piled so high that they violate a handful of OSHA regulations. It's so awesome. She always says she's going to cut back but she never does . . . and that's even MORE awesome. When we were kids, it seemed like EVERY year she'd strike fear in our hearts by saying something like "This Christmas is going to be different - it's going to be a smaller Christmas. We don't need so many presents - it's ridiculous." But every year, despite her threats, the pile of presents was bigger than the last year. Try as she may to stick to her guns, she just couldn't help herself - she and my dad loved spoiling their girls too much. And we did NOT have a problem with that.

But, on the other hand, if you and my mom decide that you will NOT exchange Christmas presents, you should know that my mom will, in fact, NOT buy you a present. So if you find yourself thinking "I better get something for Nora because she will probably go ahead and get something for me, that silly girl," you should know that you are quite wrong. There were MANY years that my mom and dad said that they were not going to get each other presents so that they could make our Christmas bigger or buy something for the house - something like that. And every year, my mom stuck to the deal and my dad didn't. So my mom would open presents from my dad, laughing and saying "Oh my gosh!! Charlie! We said we weren't going to get each other anything!!" She always acted so surprised that he didn't stick to the agreement, which never made much sense to me. And he didn't just buy her a few little things, either. I remember one year he made her close her eyes and wheeled in a treadmill - a freakin' TREADMILL - and, when she opened her eyes, she laughed and exclaimed "CHARLIE!! We said we weren't getting each other anything this year!" We kids always saw through it - it was the quite the racket she had going. So just be aware of that. I'd hate for you to sit there awkwardly awaiting a return gift, only to be disappointed. You're welcome.


Christmas decorating . . .
Everyone needs help with putting up their Christmas decorations, right? Well, I am now offering a special "Christmas decorating" rental rate so that you can rent my mom to help you get everything up and lit. But you should know that she is pretty particular about a few things, especially the lights on the Christmas tree. When we were kids, she used to have us put the lights on the tree while she stood back saying things like "No, it needs to glow from the inside out" or "It's not glowing from the inside, Catherine." I used to want to start throwing ornaments at her face but I restrained myself because she's my mom and that sort of thing is apparently frowned upon. But it was so annoying! I vowed that when I had my own Christmas tree, I was NOT going to be so high-maintenance about the stinkin' lights - I mean, who really cares about that? Aaaaaaaaaaaand now I find myself standing back telling my roommates "It's not glowing from the inside - we need more lights over there." But they're not my kids so I really do have to dodge the ornaments that they throw at my face . . .


Christmas wrapping . . .
You should also know that my mom doesn't look kindly on bad wrapping jobs. If you don't know how to wrap but you did your best, she will love it. But if, like me, you make the mistake of showing up one year with a few presents sans bows, she will look at them and ask you non-passive-aggressive questions like "Did you run out of bows?" or "Oh - do you need to borrow some bows?" But if you look at her presents, you'll understand her condescension - she always decorates each present with a pretty bow that she made herself or some other little special decoration that she comes up with. She's really creative with that kind of stuff and likes to make Christmas special in that way. I like to make Christmas special with peel-and-stick bows and I think that it kills a part of her soul each year when I do that. I mean, she'll accept my little pre-made, stick-on bows but she definitely looks down on them. I think she'd be happier if I showed up with a tattoo on my forehead than if I show up with my peel-and-sticks. But if you find yourself in this situation with my mom and you see her staring judgmentally at your store-bought bows disapprovingly, just do what I do and stare judgmentally back at her orange popcorn fingers. And then you'll be even . . .


Well, I hope this helps you to know how to best utilize your Nora rental period this holiday season. Make your reservations soon - we're booking up fast!

I hope you all have a VERY merry Christmas!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!

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