Ben cuts to the chase.

I found out last week that my seven-year-old nephew, Ben, has been learning about animals in his home-school lessons. How did I find that out, you ask? Because my sister told me about this conversation that she had with him:

Ben: [pensively] Mommy, when will Catchy marry?
Tammy: Well, when God brings the right person into her life, I guess.
Ben: Oh. [mulling that over] Well, don't you think that she should go ahead and mate?
Tammy: [chokes on Dr. Pepper]

Man . . . forget online dating - I'm putting Ben in charge of things for a while!

More random thoughts by Avery.

At the beginning of Spring Break, my sisters and I decided to meet at my mom's one evening to watch a DVD. I was planning to have cereal for dinner (don't be jealous) but needed a banana to put in it so I called my sister Erin to ask if she would bring a banana to my mom's. I was worried that she would forget, so I sent her a text a while later asking her to have my eight-year-old niece Savannah get me the banana because I knew that Savannah wouldn't forget. I call Savannah "Nana Nut" so my SUPER clever text said "Can you have Nana Nut bring me a nana??"

[pause for you to discuss my cleverness]

ANYWAY, apparently Savannah thought that my text was hilarious (well, naturally . . .) and, while Erin and the kids were on their way to my mom's, Savannah started this conversation:

Savannah: I have a good name for nicknames.
Erin: What do you mean?
Savannah: Well, people can make lots of nicknames out of my name. Like Catchy calls me Nana Nut . . . and GaGa calls me Nana . . . and Emma calls me Vanna . . . and some kids at school call me Sav . . .
Erin: Yeah - you're right!
Avery (5 years old): Yeah, and my name is good, too. Catchy calls me Avesy, Tammy calls me Aves, people call me Avey . . .
Erin: That's true!
Savannah: [bringing the conversation back to her . . .] I like the name "Sav." I think you could just name a little girl "Sav." I think that would be pretty.
Erin: [picking up the hint] Do you want us to call you Sav more often? Would you like that?
Savannah: Yeah.
Avery: Yeah - and I think you should call me "Abby."
[confused silence]
Savannah: Okaaaaaaaaaaay. Ummmmm . . . that has nothing to do with your name . . .
Avery: Yes, it does. It starts with an A and ends with a Y.

Makes sense to me. I think . . .

And she's serious about it. In fact, later that week they were at a Which Wich (sandwich shop where you fill out an order form and then they call your name when your order is ready) and, when Avery filled out her order form and handed it Erin, she discovered just HOW serious Avery is about this whole Abby thing . . .


But I'm not sure what's more upsetting - the fact that she wants to change her name or the fact that she chose juice over a soda.

I have clearly failed her as an aunt . . .

Murdering the dead - a first degree syntax crime.

My sister Tammy sent me this picture that she took off of her television the other day. It's a good example of how important sentence structure is . . .


So two things went terribly wrong here: 1) she got convicted for "murdering her husband shortly after his death" (a crime, incidentally, that is punished by lethal injection after you're executed) and 2) she got convicted when she got sentenced instead of getting sentenced when she got convicted. This is either a poorly worded sentence or a case out of Louisiana.

In either case, someone have her call me - I know a good lawyer . . .

Save the urinal!

I've told y'all before about how I use a tracker service for my blog that tells me, among other things, how many people look at my website each day, what cities they're located in, and what search terms people are using to land on my blog. I sometimes like to entertain myself by looking at the different search terms that people have used - yes, I'm easily entertained. Now most of the time, people use pretty predictable terms like "catherine chronicles" or some variation of that, but SOMETIMES I get treated to a little dose of crazy.

For instance . . .

1) "to see a horse in human flesh, descending on a hammock through the air": Now, I wrote about dream interpretations once and talked about an interpretation I had seen for a horse in human flesh descending on a hammock. So I get why that search term landed someone on my website - that's not the disturbing part. What concerns me is that someone out there obviously just had a dream about a freakin' horse in human flesh, descending on a hammock through the air. Seriously, people - this is unsettling.

2) "clip art dropping man in toilet": Wow - who knew that the Mafia used clip art? Interesting. Veeeeeeeeery interesting . . .

3) "my dog ate a swiss cake roll will it kill her": Nooooooooo, silly! Swiss Cake Rolls can't kill anything but skinny people. If your dog is acting a little unusual, don't worry - it's just experiencing sheer bliss.

4) "evil elves" and "reindeer lickers": Someone out there has a very different understanding of what happens in the North Pole than I do . . .

5) "meaning of jumping on Ding Dong bandwagon": I've never heard of jumping on a Ding Dong bandwagon but I'm here to tell ya, folks - if ever there was a bandwagon for me jump on, that would be it.

6) "worst idea ever catherine chronicles": Shutyerface.

7) "who me clip art": If this is not a toddler running a google search then I think this person needs to focus on some good grammar clip art right now and THEN worry about discovering who he or she is . . .

8) "rolled my ankle on a curb": Okay, well . . . thanks for letting me know. Hope it's better . . . ?

9) "pooped doorless stall restrooms" and "pooping no door on stall": Wow. This is something people search the internet about?

10) "picture urinal conservation sign": Interesting. I wasn't aware that there was a urinal conservation effort. Who knew?


So those are the latest in the crazy searches that somehow led people to my page. But, hey - I'm not judging . . . I don't care how they get here, just as long as they get here!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do a little searching about that Ding Dong bandwagon . . .

Irrespons able editing . . .

One of my friends sent me this picture of a sign at a dry cleaners in Conroe:


But they ARE respons able for the twitching in my right eye . . .

We ARE talking about my A/C, aren't we??

While we were out driving this weekend, I saw a business with a name that was NOT well thought-out . . .


I'm glad this guy has embraced his last name but, frankly, I'm not sure it's an appropriate choice for a business name. And, come to think of it, I'm not sure the twin peaks on the sign are exactly appropriate, either . . .

Finger-lickin' good.

My 8-year-old niece, Savannah, just recently started playing in a softball league. She was struggling at first with her batting but she has been working really hard and has improved so much. In fact, the other day at her game, she actually had a home run! It was a BIG deal. In fact, my sister Erin was cheering so enthusiastically that she ALMOST dropped her nachos . . . and we Palmores take our nachos VERY seriously.

ANYWAY, to celebrate her big night, Erin and Matt took her out for a celebratory dinner. Someone suggested that they go to Chili's but Savannah quickly quashed that idea . . . until she remembered how much she loves their ribs. So Chili's it was.

Pretty soon, Savannah was covered in barbecue sauce and eating ribs with gusto. About a rib-and-a-half into her feast, she stopped eating, looked up, and had this conversation:

Savannah: [rib mid-air, barbecue sauce from ear to ear] So . . . are these like a human's ribs?
Erin and Matt: [stunned silence]
Savannah: [eating the ribs with gusto again, unconcerned about the answer to her question]
Erin: [laughing] Are they a HUMAN'S ribs?
Savannah: [chowing down] Yeah.
Erin: [laughing harder] No, honey. They're from a pig.
Savannah: [rib in mouth] Oh. They're good.
Erin: Would that have bothered you? If it was a human's rib?
Savannah: [shrugging her shoulders and licking her fingers] They're gooooood . . .
Matt: Wow.

So we now know THAT disturbing fact about Savannah. But, as funny as that story is, let's be honest - we're all gonna be a little uneasy the next time she says she's hungry and there's no food around.

Fortunately, I think I'm safe - MY ribs haven't been visible to the naked eye for years . . .