Monday, September 24, 2012

From you. To me.

Happy birthday, my friends!!

Oh, wait - it's MY birthday, not yours.  Silly me. 

I know that you are wondering today what my birthday can do for you.  But to that question, I would respond: ask not what my birthday can do for you.  Ask what YOU can do for my birthday.

Seriously.  Ask that question.

[pause to listen for your voices]

What can you do for my birthday?  I'm so glad you asked. 

I've been thinking about it for a while and I've had some different ideas.  At first I thought I could ask for you all to each give me the name and number of your favorite cute, tall, funny, single guy who is looking for a brunette to share his trust fund.  But that's fraught with potential problems - what if he's funnier than me?  I couldn't handle that.  Then I thought about asking you all to each give me a hug.  But then I just started laughing hysterically, slapped my knee and said "good one!"  Then it dawned on me.  There is one thing that I want that y'all could help me with - something that I could accomplish with some sort of concerted effort on the part of my friends: For once in my life, I want to contract some sort of illness whose primary symptom is "unexplained loss of weight." 

Is that too much to ask? 

Whenever I get sick, it's a sinus infection.  Do you know what the symptoms of a sinus infection are?  Debilitating headaches and green snot.  A LOT of green snot.  It's SUPER attractive.  And when it's all over, and I've blown through my box of Kleenex and a box of Tylenol Sinus, I have gained 5 pounds.  And my nose is twice its normal size.  Is that fair?

My sinus infections usually turn into bronchitis.  Primary symptom of bronchitis?  All-consuming, body-racking coughs.  And I'm talking about the kind of coughs that make you cross your legs so that you don't lose control of your bladder.  It's not glamorous.

And usually a good bout of bronchitis will have me coughing so hard that I get muscle spasms in my back.  So then I spend a week walking like an 80-year old woman who just had hip replacement surgery.  And I'm not gonna snag my own cute, tall, mildy-funny, single guy walking around like that.

Sooooo . . . I figure that you all could help me catch the RIGHT illness. Something that will help me lose 30 pounds in the coming year.  You can come over to my house and sneeze on me.  Have me drink after you.  I'll even come to your house if you would prefer that.  Although, this is technically your birthday gift for me so that would be sort of a jerk move on your part.  But whatever.  As long as I can go to my doctor and say something like "I just canNOT stop losing weight, doctor!" or "I'm concerned, doctor - I'm just wasting away." or "Don't these jeans look AMAZING on me?"

So do your part, friends.  Give me your germs. 

Or you can just give me a hug.



Hahahahahahaha.  Man, I crack myself up. 

Have your cute, tall, "funny" single guy beat THAT.


Phyllis Eddings said...

Wellllll, are you up for a tapeworm? No weight loss is worth that. Did you see that episode of house where the pulled it out of the girl? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!