Tuesday, September 27, 2011

An impossible conversion.

It seems like the topic has come up a lot lately so I thought I would go ahead and make my feelings known on a very important topic. This is bound to upset a lot of people. I know that. But I must get this off my chest once and for all . . .

I.

HATE.

SEAFOOD.

It's disgusting. And that goes for all kinds of fish, too. I really don't know why anyone eats it. And what's most amazing to me is that people seem so shocked when they find out that I don't like it. I am CONSTANTLY having conversations like this:

Friend: Oh my gosh - I'm so excited! I'm making my fried catfish tonight!!
Me: Yuck. [making mature face that's a cross between "I just ate a lemon" and "I just smelled poop."]
Friend: [dumbfounded] You don't like catfish??
Me: I don't like ANY fish.
Friend: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat???
Me: [resuming lemon/poop face]
Friend: Are you serious??
Me: Yeah. It's disgusting.
Friend: Well, you at least like shrimp, right?
Me: [lemon/poop face]
Friend: [gasp] Wha . . . WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???
Me: Gross.
Friend: Well, that's because you've never had my catfish.
Me: Well -
Friend: If you had my fried catfish, you'd LOVE fish.
Me: Ummm, I -
Friend: No. I'm TELLING you - you'd LOVE it.
Me: It's just that -
Friend: Next time you come over, I'm making fried catfish.
Me: Oh, then I'll never come ove-
Friend: Seriously. It will change your life.
Me: [lemon/poop]

What my well-meaning friends don't understand is that I have a VERY strong gag reflex when it comes to fish and seafood. So whenever anyone actually HAS forced me to try their catfish/shrimp/clam chowder/crab cakes/salmon, it ALWAYS ends with a huge, noisy, involuntary, eye-watering gag.

And then we're both embarrassed.

I know that lots of people like it. I know that YOU probably do. I know that it's ALLEGEDLY good for you and contains lots of good vitamins and oils and blah blah blah. But you might as well stop trying to convert me because it will never work. I just can't do it. And I have no desire to. Why? Well, I'm glad you asked. Allow me to share my top 5 reasons why I'll never become a fish eater:

1. Most fish smells like urine. It's true. You fish eaters swear it smells divine. But if you're not a fish person and the guy at the table behind you orders the salmon, you feel like you're downwind from a urinal the moment his entree arrives. You sit there trying to eat your steak-made-from-cow like any good Texan would and all you can think of are urine-related topics like "I'm out of toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom" or "I need to let the dog out" or "I need to drink more water so my urine doesn't EVER smell like that guy's dinner." Beef and chicken don't have that effect on people - they smell delicious and savory and much less like human waste. So what if beef clogs your arteries - at least it smells good while it's killing you. That's really all you can ask for in a food.

2. You have to de-poop shrimp. Do I really need to expound on this one?? I mean, I'm only two points into my list and I've already covered two digestive processes - that's disgusting. The minute I have to clean cow poop out of a rib-eye, I'll become a vegetarian . . .

3. Some fish is served with the scales still on it. Seriously? How can anyone eat that?? If someone plopped a chicken breast down in front of me with the feathers still on one side or gave me a New York strip steak with the hide still attached, I would gag and call the FDA. I do NOT think the standards should be any different for fish.

4. There's too much "fresh death." I have to give my friend Ashley's cousin credit for this one. We were standing around talking about why seafood is disgusting (he's my kind of people) and he said that he has a "no fresh death" rule. He went on to explain that he doesn't want to have to point to a lobster in a tank and say "I'll have that one" and then have it fished out and cooked for him. He wants it to spend some time being dead and frozen before it makes it to his plate. So that's why he prefers beef. I think this is a sound and well-thought-out rule and I agree whole-heartedly. I don't want to have to look my food in the eye before I eat it. I don't want to wonder if it got to say its goodbyes to the other lobsters in the tank before it got dropped in a pot of boiling water and then turned into a lobster roll. I just want a piece of meat pulled out of a fridge, grilled, and brought to me with some mashed potatoes and gravy. It's WAY less traumatic.

5. Crawfish. I know it's technically not "fish" but, since most people who eat fish also eat crawfish, I tend to lump them together. I really don't get crawfish - they sit on your plate, looking up at you most disturbingly with their beady little eyes and they smell like a cross between a sewer and a marina. I don't understand how anyone ever thought they would make good food. I mean, who saw that thing crawl out of ground and thought "You know what?? I bet that little sucker would be DELICIOUS boiled in some hot water with corn." And then WHO took it to the next level and said "I bet it would taste AWESOME to suck all the guts out of that little guy's head." I'll tell ya who did that . . . a fish eater, that's who.

And that's why I can NEVER be one of you people . . .

Now I know some of you might not agree with me and that's okay. But can we at least agree to disagree and perhaps call a truce? Here's my proposition: you promise me that you won't try to convert me to your disgusting ways and, in return, I won't say things like "Oh - you have a little poop in your teeth" when you're enjoying a nice shrimp salad.

[lemon/poop]

Deal?

4 comments:

Robyn :) said...

I LOVE fish, but I get why you don't :) I have friends that do not like it and I would never think to convert them!! I hate pickled beets and creamed corn and would not appreciate people trying to get me to eat it, no matter how good they think they prepare it.

Jenny said...

Oh Catherine...you have got to try my salmon! Too die for! ;)

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! Oh my gosh...the poop in the rib-eye had me literally laughing out loud. and PREACH IT, girl. I was making the lemon/poop face before I even got to the lemon poop part and I realized I was doing it too!! HILARIOUS! So glad you are back!

Erin

Laurie Shows said...

I knew we were kindred spirits!! The ONLY redeeming quality about seafood/fish of ANY kind?!? Hushpuppies!!:)