No Swine Flu for me, thankyouverymuch.

So this whole Swine Flu thing has got me thinking. Not about whether I should wear a surgical mask or lock myself inside until this whole thing blows over, but about how horrifying it would be for me to die of something called the "Swine Flu." I mean, I'd never live it down. Well, I'd be dead - but you know what I mean. Really, I'd take a slow death from flesh-eating bacteria over a disease so closely related to SWINE, for goodness sake. Please GOD let me lose 50 pounds before I succumb to such a disease!!

But that's not the only manner of death that would be horrifying for me in my current state. Here is my current list of deaths I cannot stand for until I lose weight:

1. Mad Cow Disease.
2. Choking on a ham sandwich.
3. A freak Halloween accident involving suffocating in a sumo wrestler costume.
4. An ice cream headache that triggers an aneurysm.
5. Harpooned on a beach by a man with a wooden leg.
6. A stomach rupture after Thanksgiving dinner.
7. Complications from Elephantitis.
8. Heart attack during a work-out video, especially Sweatin' to the Oldies or anything else by Richard Simmons. I don't want "Fill Me Up Buttercup" to be the last thing I hear, either.
9. Getting lodged in a tight space and, irony of ironies, starving to death.
10. Naked in any manner. For instance, dropping dead in the shower . . . the thought of someone having to find me in such a position when I can't suck in my stomach gives me sweaty armpits and is making my heart race a bit.

So I really hope this Swine Flu thing blows over because it's stressing me out. But, on the bright side, maybe it will motivate me to work out and watch what I eat just to be on the safe side. After all, life is short and fleeting but an embarrassing death will live forever.

Well, have to go. Just remembered those Girl Scout cookies in the freezer . . .