Thursday, April 30, 2009

No Swine Flu for me, thankyouverymuch.

So this whole Swine Flu thing has got me thinking. Not about whether I should wear a surgical mask or lock myself inside until this whole thing blows over, but about how horrifying it would be for me to die of something called the "Swine Flu." I mean, I'd never live it down. Well, I'd be dead - but you know what I mean. Really, I'd take a slow death from flesh-eating bacteria over a disease so closely related to SWINE, for goodness sake. Please GOD let me lose 50 pounds before I succumb to such a disease!!

But that's not the only manner of death that would be horrifying for me in my current state. Here is my current list of deaths I cannot stand for until I lose weight:

1. Mad Cow Disease.
2. Choking on a ham sandwich.
3. A freak Halloween accident involving suffocating in a sumo wrestler costume.
4. An ice cream headache that triggers an aneurysm.
5. Harpooned on a beach by a man with a wooden leg.
6. A stomach rupture after Thanksgiving dinner.
7. Complications from Elephantitis.
8. Heart attack during a work-out video, especially Sweatin' to the Oldies or anything else by Richard Simmons. I don't want "Fill Me Up Buttercup" to be the last thing I hear, either.
9. Getting lodged in a tight space and, irony of ironies, starving to death.
10. Naked in any manner. For instance, dropping dead in the shower . . . the thought of someone having to find me in such a position when I can't suck in my stomach gives me sweaty armpits and is making my heart race a bit.

So I really hope this Swine Flu thing blows over because it's stressing me out. But, on the bright side, maybe it will motivate me to work out and watch what I eat just to be on the safe side. After all, life is short and fleeting but an embarrassing death will live forever.

Well, have to go. Just remembered those Girl Scout cookies in the freezer . . .

15 comments:

Alana said...

Thanks so much for giving me laughter- I have wondered when you would start your own blog- because, frankly, this is PERFECT for you!!! xoxoxo-

Pam said...

I knew I was awake at 3 a.m. for a reason...now I know! Thanks for the good Catchy laugh!

Ms. E said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms. E said...

I wish I could just edit my comment after it's posted. It's too early. And you might want to adjust your time settings. Looks like we're on Pacific Time, because it's 5:36 where I am, not 3:36.

So, I can totally relate to your fears.

Lis said...

You made me laugh! Thank you!! I'm now terrified of being harpooned by a man with a wooden leg.... :)

steph said...

ROFL!!!!

Lincee said...

It's ABOUT TIME you started a blog Catch! I loved it. Ironically, many of our fears are similar. It's good to know there are others out there like me.

Hayley said...

You're too funny Catherine!

One thing though. If you're dying of starvation because you're stuck in a "too-tight" spot, wouldn't you lose enough weight to get out? Just a little something to ponder while you're feeling veclemt.

Tamara Phillips said...

Oh, Catherine that had me giggling! I feel most concerned about the ham sandwich..we all gotta be careful! Glad you're bloggin now!

Starshine said...

Awesome! Catchy is blogging!

"After all, life is short and fleeting but an embarrassing death will live forever."

That reminded me of Isaiah 40:8: "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."

You're so biblical!

xo

Alana said...

I am waiting for your next entry............... still waiting...................hurry up!!!! :)

CHRISTI said...

LAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Alana said...

still waiting- lol!! i really could use a laugh- so hurry up ;)

The Queen of my Domain said...

Catch!! This is your venue, baby! Not everyone can translate her humor into writing, but you CAN! Thanks for sharing.....can't wait for more. :)

Erin said...

LMAO! oh, catchy...you do work, I tell ya. I was cracking up while I was reading this. I'm so glad you started blogging. You are totally gonna be famous!

I thought of a way I wouldn't wanna die....laughing while eating a powdered donut. It'll getcha every time. Seriously...chemical pneumonia from powdered sugar? Bring on the flesh eating bacteria...