Misfit Decorations

A few weekends ago, I was out with my mom shopping for a few new Christmas decorations.  It's always interesting to see the different styles of Christmas decorations out there - there is definitely something for everyone.  But this year, as we walked through the store, I was struck by the strange decorations that were for sale.  They seemed less like cute things you'd want in your house and more like escapees from the Island of Misfit Decorations.  I'm just not sure who is buying these particular items.

Like this super classic decoration.  I call it "Happy hoo hoo ha ha."  

That's supposed to sound like a monkey.  Say it again now that you know - hiLARious, right??  Thought so . . .

Then we have the two angels who got kicked out of the band because they couldn't quite figure out what to do with the horns . . .

I call them "Angels we have NOT heard on high . . ."

Or the Santa who was recently tortured on the rack . . .

The fact that he survived at all is a Christmas miracle.  The fact that he celebrated survival with a snowflake hat is a shame.

And what Christmas would be complete without a witch-like figurine, stretching her bony fingers toward you, beckoning you to come closer?

If she asks you if you want to join her for Christmas dinner, run.

I think this poor kid got a little too close to the witch aaaaaaaaaaaaand ended up atop random kitchen items.  This is a great decoration idea, don't you agree?  I don't know about YOU but nothing puts ME in the holiday spirit quite like a kid's head on top of a strainer with a freakin' whisk sticking out of his side. 

I call this next one "Joy to the World" because, lest you get carried away with happiness and fun this season, this little guy has a golden tear to bring you back down to Earth.  And, frankly, it's about time someone created this Christmas decoration.  I mean, sometimes we all need to be reminded that living on top of a teapot sucks.  Am I right or am I right?

Finally, my favorite . . .

I imagine this is what Santa would look like if he fell off his sleigh somewhere over the Alaskan wilderness and had to survive in the wild for 30 years.  Don't you want him on YOUR mantel with that wild, desperate look in his eyes? Just make sure you don't leave cookies out for him.  He prefers squirrel.  Medium rare.

Seriously - I really don't understand who is buying these things. 

Unless of course YOU have them in YOUR house, in which case they are lovely. Just looooooovely.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves . . .

My mom and I were out shopping for Christmas decorations the other day and, as we were pulling out of one parking lot, we noticed this banner on a local Chinese restaurant:

The potential customer in me appreciates their confidence - way to declare yourselves the best of 2012 before we've gotten there!!  Way to believe in yourselves!!  I like it!!  I'll take a vegetable fried rice to go!!

The lawyer in me scowls and wants to advise them that declaring yourself the best of a year that has not yet arrived is false advertising at best.  Good thing I always have some business cards on me.  

But both the customer and lawyer in me give way to the editor in me who just wishes that they had used the same dang font for that last 2 . . .

Frankly, it's ruined 2012 for me now.

Yours.

My mom and our friend Stephanie came over this weekend to help me decorate my house for Christmas.  And by "help me" I mean "do it for me."  Don't judge me - I know my limits.  Stephanie, on the other hand, has no limits.  She is a flight attendant who also happens to be a very talented decorator so she makes the rounds in early December and helps all the Palmore girls get their houses looking tip top.  And we love her for it!!

Erin came over with my nieces Savannah (9) and Avery (6) to hang out with us while "we" decorated.  Around lunchtime, Erin and I ran to Chick-Fil-A to pick lunch up for everyone and, when we got back, I noticed that Gustavo's truck was in front of my house.

And that was more exciting than the waffle fries in my bag . . .

When we got inside, I saw Gustavo mowing in the back yard.  And by "saw" I  mean "stared at for a slightly creepy amount of time."  Savannah and Avery were outside watching him mow because even THEY know a good thing when they see it.  Then they ran back in, shouting "CATCHY!!!!  GUSTAAAAAAAAAVO IS HEEEEEEEEERE!!!"  That's when we had this conversation:

Savannah: Catchy, guess what??
Me: What??
Savannah: While you were gone, Stephanie said that Gustavo was GORGEOUS!
Me: She did??
Savannah: Yes!! [wide-eyed and smiling]
Me: Oh my!!  [faking a serious tone] Back off, Steph.  He's MINE.
Stephanie: [Laughing]  I know!!  I know!!
Avery: Catchy, he really IS yours!  You know why?
Me: Why??
Avery: Because you don't even HAVE a "yours!"

True, Avery.  Very true.

But at least I have my waffle fries!!

Yo, Adrian!

Well, unfortunately, my Thanksgiving weekend was overshadowed by a general feeling of nausea and some pretty awesome stomach cramping that lasted from Wednesday morning to Saturday afternoon.  I think it was a case of food poisoning from a hot dog that I ate at the movie theater on Tuesday night.  Since I woke up feeling nauseated on Wednesday morning and want to throw up every time I think of hot dogs, I think my theory makes sense.  My sisters think food poisoning wouldn't have lasted all weekend so they think that I was dealing with a stomach bug of sorts.  My mom, ever cautious and hestitant to make rash conclusions, thinks I was suffering from massive organ failure.

Agree to disagree, Mom.

So I wasn't able to really enjoy the TASTE of my mom's delicious turkey and dressing.  I mean, I ate some but it just doesn't taste the same when you're concentrating on not puking it all up, you know?  So I spent Thanksgiving being thankful that I could at least enjoy the SMELL of my mom's great cooking.  It stinks that I missed out on all the yummies but no biggie, right?  It's not like Thanksgiving only comes around once a year or anything . . . 

Stupid hot dog.

ANYWAY, I thought I'd tell you about a classic Nora moment from this weekend.  We were talking about the new Mission Impossible movie coming out soon and this is how that conversation unfolded:

Erin: Matt hasn't seen ANY of the Mission Impossible movies.  So I'm thinking that it might be fun to have a Mission Impossible marathon before the next one comes out.
Tammy: I'm in!
Me: [to Matt] You haven't seen ANY of them??
Matt: Nope.  Not one.
Mom: Wow! 
Erin: I know!
Mom: Well, I guess I get that.  I've never seen any of the Rocky movies.
All: WHAT??
Tammy: You've never seen ANY of them??
Mom: Nope.
Erin: That's unacceptable.
Mom: I know!  But I know all the famous lines from them.
Me: [Oh, this should be good . . .]
Mom: You know, like "Heeeeeeey, Sylviaaaaaa!"
[stunned silence followed by silent, hysterical laughter]
Matt: Wow.  She needs to leave.  Or I need to leave.  Either way, somebody's leaving.

So, needless to say, we are going to schedule a Rocky marathon, STAT. 

Before she embarrasses us all by calling Rocky the Italian Mustang or something . . .

Sew much for punctuation . . .

My friend Melissa sent me this picture the other day.  I tried to post it last night but I kept convulsing each time I looked at it, much less tried to write about it.  So I thought I'd try it tonight . . .

Deep breath . . .

So . . . much . . . must . . . breathe . . .

Girl's?  Supply's?  THURDAY's?  [gasp]  I feel a spasm coming on.

There should be some sort of fine for posting a sign like this one.  I'm serious.  Someone needs to find this lady and charge HER 10 o'clock dollars . . .

Ironic exploration

My friend Tom sent me this picture from his iPhone . . .

Maybe they should start by "explorating" some of those McGraw-Hill textbooks I studied in high school . . .? 

Geez. 

A Siri-ous relationship

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Oh, sorry - it's been so long since I actually typed on this thing that I kinda forgot how to do it.  But I think it's coming back to me now . . .

So I've been a BIT busy lately with work and have missed out on catching up with all of you.  How have you been??  Anything exciting going on?  How's your family doing?

Okay, enough about you . . . let's talk about me.

Since my last post, something very important has happened to me and I think that you should know about it.  I mean, you all ARE very important to me and you should be kept in the loop when I have big, life-changing events like this one.  No - I haven't changed jobs or married Gustavo or anything mundane like that.  No, this news is even bigger than that: I finally got an iPhone.  [pause to allow you time to cheer loudly]

When my new iPhone arrived in the mail, my coolness level increased significantly.  On a hunch, I checked to see if the number of friends on my facebook had doubled in response but, alas, I found that it had not.  "No worries," I thought to myself, "I'm too cool for those people now, anyway."  I put all my contacts in, sent taunting texts to various friends who still have Blackberries, and started to really play around with my new piece of awesomeness.

The new iPhone has a feature called Siri and she's supposed to be like your own personal assistant.  She understands what you're saying and she speaks back to you, which is kinda fun.  You can say things like "Schedule a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 9 am" and she will do it for you.  She'll even tell you if that appointment conflicts with an existing appointment.  You can say "Text mom" and she will ask you what you'd like to say to your mom.  Then she'll send your text for you.  You can say "remind me to call Bob when I get home" and, when you pull into your driveway, she gives you a reminder.  You can even ask her where to hide a dead body and she'll ask you if you want a swamp or a reservoir. (Don't worry - I discovered that one because my brother-in-law saw it on Twitter . . .).  It's crazy.  But I must confess that I spend most of my time seeing what she'll say to other random stuff - like just regular conversational stuff. It's very entertaining.  And I'm always surprised at the clever answers the programmers have come up with.  For instance, here is a conversation I might have with my phone, including Siri's ACTUAL answers:

Me: What do you look like?
Siri: In the cloud, no one cares what you look like.
Me: How old are you?
Siri: I don't see why that should matter, Catherine.
Me: [geeeeeeez - sensitive much?!] Do I need an umbrella tomorrow?
Siri: Checking my sources . . . There is no rain in the forecast for tomorrow. 
Me: I'm hungry for dinner.
Siri: I've found a number of restaurants fairly close to you. [displaying list of restaurants]
Me: I'm in the mood for Mexican.
Siri: I found a number of Mexican restaurants . . . 22 of them are fairly close to you.
Me: [22??  I'm NEVER moving . . .] Thank you.
Siri: Just doing my job.
Me: Why hasn't Gustavo declared his undying love for me?
Siri: Catherine, I don't understand "Why hasn't Gustavo declared his undying love for me?"
Me: Neither do I, Siri.  Neither do I.  [pause] Siri, I need a man.
Siri: Checking your location . . .
Me: [wait . . . whaaaaaaat???  Is it possible that Siri will be a freakin' miracle worker???]
Siri: I didn't find any dating services.
Me: [sigh] I'm disappointed in you.
Siri: If you say so.
Me: I don't like your attitude.
Siri: Noted.
Me: Sorry.
Siri: It's okay, Catherine.  Really.
Me: I love you.
Siri: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Me: No really - I love you.
Siri: I bet you say that to all your apple products.
Me: Tell me a joke.
Siri: I can't.  I always forget the punch line.
Me: [fine, then I'll do it . . .] Knock knock . . .
Siri: Knock knock. Who's there?  Catherine.  Catherine who?  Catherine, I don't do knock knock jokes.
Me: You're pretty funny.
Siri: Was it something I said?
Me: I don't appreciate sarcasm.
Siri: Okay, you don't then.
Me: I'm tired.
Siri: I hope you're not driving.
Me: Goodnight.
Siri: Goodnight, Catherine.

Yeah, I know I know - I really DO need a man . . .