Well, today is my birthday - that glorious day when I get to be the center of attention. The day when people can break into song on my behalf and it's not awkward. And the day when I can eat as much cake and ice cream as I want without being judged.
I freakin' LOVE my birthday.
BUT . . . I have to confess something to you today: this year I feel like I might be on the verge of a mid-life crisis because I'm 35 years old and had hoped to accomplish so much more by this point in my life. I mean, there are MAJOR goals that I haven't reached . . . and important dreams that haven't been realized. And it's kind of depressing.
"Aren't you being a little hard on yourself, Catherine?" you ask. I don't think so. I've wasted my time when I could have been well on the way to checking some of these things off of my life's "to-do" list. But I'll let y'all judge for yourselves. Just take a look at all the things that I have yet to accomplish . . .
1. Be the recipient of a comment such as: "You look a little thin - are you sure you're eating enough?"
Sure, this may seem a little shallow but it's a dream of mine so don't knock it. And I'm not picky - I'll even take something similar, like "Man, you barely ate ANYthing tonight" or "Is that your hip bone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" You know - something along those lines.
2. Being asked to tour with the Hip Hop Abs group as a back-up dancer.
Look, I've been doing Hip Hop Abs for a while now and I think it's time I got recognized for all my hard work. No, I don't have any rhythm. No, I don't have any soul. But you've not seen the "Flava Jam" or the "Oblique Slammer" until you've seen me do them. Aaaaaaand, frankly, you won't see me do them because I keep the blinds closed and the lights off so that I don't embarrass myself. So maybe this goal is a bit premature . . .
3. Getting Mike Rowe to marry me using any means necessary . . . including, but not limited to, a pregnancy scare.
Don't judge me. I love that man.
4. Getting in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Thickest layer of Cheetos cheese on fingers." I've tried, people. I really have. But the problem is that the cheese is just so darn GOOD. I try to resist it but I just can't do it - I have to lick it off, essentially licking my chances at a world record away. But it is SO worth it . . .
5. Getting a wedding ring that's so big I have to take it off every three hours to give my hand muscles a break.
Again, you make think this is shallow. I think it is a worthy ambition. But, frankly, at this point I'd take a ring pop . . .
6. Use the phrase "Fo shizzle, yo" in a conversation without anybody thinking it's funny.
Stop laughing. Yep - I think I need to start coming to grips with the fact that I may never accomplish this one.
7. Have the Permullet admitted to the Hair Hall of Fame.
Seriously - why hasn't this been done yet? It's a travesty. And the worst part is that I'm SURE it would be a total SHOE-IN. I mean, just LOOK at it:
It's amazing. And it needs to be recognized on a national level, friends.
8. Be mistaken for a butt model.
I sometimes fantasize about having this conversation with someone:
Stranger: Excuse me . . . did you model in the March 2005 Abercrombie catalog?
Me: No, I didn't.
Stranger: Were you in the 2008 "Ifs Ands and BUTTS" Calendar?
Me: Nope - sure wasn't.
Stranger: Well, you are a dead ringer for whoever did. Your butt is amazing.
Me: Wow! Thanks!
Stranger: It's so firm.
Me: Wow - that went from flattering to awkward REALLY fast . . .
Stranger: Can I touch it?
Me: Ummmm . . .
And, friends, I'm not too proud to admit that I'm not really sure what my response would be in that situation . . .
9. Get a Little Debbie snack cake named after me.
This would be the greatest dream EVER. And I even have a name picked out for mine: Catchy Cakes. Seriously - how perfect is that?? I think they'd be some sort of cross between Oatmeal Creme Pies and Swiss Cake Rolls. Well, actually, that might be totally disgusting . . . but the NAME is super presh and that's all that matters. And the best part is that I'm SURE that if Deb named a cake after me we would TOTALLY be BFFs and she'd give me a lifetime supply of Swiss Cake Rolls. And then my life would be complete.
10. All kidding aside, I do have one goal that I really DO want to accomplish: Rid the world of abuse . . . of the word "literally."
Seriously. I can't take it anymore. My friend just emailed me tonight to tell me that this lady told him that she'd been in a wreck and it LITERALLY killed her. This is the kind of abuse that I want to eradicate. I want to run for office with that as my platform, asking for harsh prison sentences for people who say things like "I was so mad I was LITERALLY spitting fire." Do I have your vote?
So now you see why I'm a little down this year and why I feel like I've let myself down. These are HUGE goals to leave unrealized . . . I can't believe that I have failed so miserably. It's so depressing. I'd really like to have a mid-life crisis over it all but I can't afford a Corvette and I have no pool boy to have an affair with. BUT there's always Gustavo . . .
Hmmmm - I think I'm gonna like my mid-life crisis!!